a life less learned

space shift

2007-08-21T12:12:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone .. this space has been much loved .. in case you ended up here .. please redirect your efforts to the space I more frequently visit and write at ..

Now I have got two blogs running (hopefully) .. may be not be vry vry regular ..

Writing: http://me-myself-and-irony.blogspot.com/

which ealier happened to be .. http://me-australia.blogspot.com/ .. I made a few changes now and hopefully would continue writing here .. atleast for a while

Pictures: http://a-canvas-of-my-own.blogspot.com/

a photoblog which I long started but nevr persisted. I have developed a niche for collecting digital photographs lately .. somthing and nething that finds my eyes interest ... so if you wish to have my perspective on a picture that I adore .. u are more than welcome to visit that space .

Cheers
Anuj

REdirect

2007-05-19T21:55:00.000-07:00

hey people, soie for not writting since long here. But I have been writing at some other place.
So redirect your efforts of visiting this page to :

http://me-australia.blogspot.com/

Wozztralia !!

cya then.

cheers !!
Anuj

hellow

2007-04-10T10:33:00.000-07:00

It's been long since I have been here and done this 'writing myself out'. It pains to see this thing almost dying down because of me. Whenever (rarely though) I happen to visit my own page, it feels particularly odd to see the random dates that I have been posting on and the days elapsed between them. That very time I feel starting it all over again, from scratch, afresh, giving this a new life with new thoughts and more general opinions than the personal (pretty much stupid) poems, which I dont even feel writing these days.

So, whats been happening lately .. if anybody aks me this question, I just answer subtly and pretty much lazily, 'Well .. Nothing' and I realise that this can literally piss off people at times, specially the one who dreadly wish hear some or the other things from me, without caring for it being crap or totally senseless. And just like most of the guys I am so weird. We guys are not much in to this 'Sweet Talk' business. I care about nothing and no one, which I feel is bad, but it just happens on its own, somehow. I am not an intentional mood spoiler, but it just that at times I wish to be alone and all by myself (though it pisses me off more).

What have I been upto lately .. seriously .. nothing. Isn't this so weird, that this word 'nothing' which literally means 'nothing' makes quite a sense in my life. May be the things are too obvious to be told or written down. But as humans are pretty social, and they crave for all this 'sharing your things with others' thing, they expect from me that I should be more talkative then the mere Hmmm's, what, ya, and ohk's. Well I am a bit talkative.

I dont know where did all this came from. All the text above seems so stupifying. I am so confused, mused and ..... rite now. So, cya thn.

Adios !!

dark side

2007-02-18T07:56:00.000-08:00

Move away YOU, no better than a pile of shit
I know you want to take me over
tear me up all apart, turn me to you
And you know, I would let it do

you scream inside me, a pain pretended
you cry rains within, to flood away my emotions
you ruin thyself, to prepare me for this filth
I wouldn't know you well, but you do exist

By the way, Who are you ..
MY darker side, isnt it?
I love that bright light up above
But you will pull me in to dark ..
M all black already ..

you raped me already of my own self
take every bit of me, I will stand this ground
I cant fight you nemore
You are the 'Bloddy' part of Me !!

down and under

2007-02-07T07:10:00.000-08:00

How do u feel, when it breaks you down ?
when you realised, how much you have to pay to be true
when the distant dream is left alone, unrealised
when you only shrug your shoulders, saying, 'Its bound to be'

Can't you feel the sadness in my words, the dull conversations
In a room full of ballons, there's no child to play
the toys are alone all by themselves, the train awaiting
and no one comes, nd they shrug their shoulders, 'we are alone'

How do you stop your heart from bleeding, the shouts getting louder within
something pulling inside, few riding outwards, its hard to breathe
How do you lay alone here, uncovered, along this trash
ruptured emotions killing you inside, fearing the undone

I will sing you a lullaby, my words unsaid
I will live in unison with the dark within, holding it tight
the dark is all I have, the dark is all I adore
I will shrug my shoulders yet again, 'Oh yeah! I am fine' ..

PS: jus for a change .. this pic .. dnt mind plz

2007-02-02T07:41:00.000-08:00

you will never know what I wanted
Cause I wont let you ever know
you figure out the dummy desires
Cause I will pose them to be

you will consider me to be rude
Cause I will be the guy who ignores
Friends would say that I am lucky
Cause I will hide the sores

I will never be forgotten .. Is it?
I will fade away for the better
Cause darkness would engross my being
Cause, to you I would be unseen

I would be lost in some memoirs
like songs you heard in past
I would pass away in smoke
like ash, I would fall down nd break ..

Free !!

2007-01-25T14:30:00.000-08:00

I walk around aimlessly
overshadowded by my own mysery
I seem to be quite and settled
The mirror reflects, what you are not

The guy inside is restless
Finding questions to answers unheld
shouting prayers to wishes unheard
Trapped in detrimental rights and pleasurable wrongs

Only if the Head would witness a BIG BANG
and all would be scattered in directions unknown
Let different thoughts build their own mansion
Thus might end the war of making a choice ..

And I would be free as ever
one Soul !!

CUT

2007-01-20T14:56:00.000-08:00

hi everyone,

Sry, I have been a little wayward these dayss .. because of no reasons at all but a lot of strings attached. I have been changing over time nd may not for the good. Done a lot of things .. especially not being myself nd being what I really never wanted to be. Getting in to things which I never confirmed of. But newyz .. its like whats done is done .. nd let it be the way it is.

Since few days I have been browsing MYSPACE (hhtp://www.myspace.com ) .. nd yesterday I came across the profile of a girl who's like very sad nd all .. nd in the awe of pain she cuts herself. And there are a hell lot of people who do that. And then I found this song CUT by PLUMB.

Would you ever wonder bringing a knife next to your nerves .. nd the idea of leaving scars on your own body .. nd for wat .. just to bleed urself to some more pain. There's so much pain in this world .. so much .. and little love nd yet we run after it, just to find it. How Ironic !!

But I guess at one or the other point in life we (atleast I) feel like leaving this sinful place, but then at times this place seems so beautiful that you wish the moments could stop. Is it possible that we could live a perfect life .. a life of no guilt or shame. The questions .. Why am I doing this? Why did I do that? Am I this guy that I am pretending to be? Am this bad? Is this me? Is this the way I used to be? Shoud I quit? .. really haunt me at times .. but then you have to deal with your own deeds.

Well I donno why did I came here to cribb .. writing pointlessly .. not frustrated but ya a lot of thoughts .. and its like I wish there's was a way I could undo the done and start off afresh. Only if it was possible.

Well there are certain good things happening as well .. my life's not hell (though it might sound like), but presently I have been quite happy with the way things have turned out. But whatever hapiness there is .. life sucks big time .. lolz.

Well time to end the pointless self accussing words .. I will never be the same again ;)

Anuj .

CUT ~ Plumb

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

A fragile flame aged
Is misery
And when our hearts meet
I know you see

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut

I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut
Pain
I am not alone
I am not alone

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

But I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I found it when
I was cut

PS :: rOck oN \o/

with me would you cry

2006-11-10T14:50:00.000-08:00

My head is heavy, bubbles of smoke tossing high
on a pile of confiscated soul I lie, turning high
would you dare come near, or would you just sigh
I bet you are confiscated too,in a different sky you fly

would you dare come near, or would you sigh
would you assemble ME, with me would you cry ..

tumble, stumble, trapped in my own grievances
running around, trying to recapitulate the missed chances
this is where I used to reside, ME was my mansion
the sand castles have drowned, now ME is a broken caption

would you dare come near, or would you sigh
would you assemble ME, with me would you cry ..

thrashed by mere ghusts of wind, no defence I apply
drowned in these bubbles, in this mist I sublime
caught in a mystery, the burden termed life
the battles have grown fierce, the battle is inside

would you dare come near, or would you sigh
would you assemble ME, with me would you cry ..

would you dare come near, or would you sigh
would you assemble ME, with me would you cry ..
would you leave ME in midst, with me would you lie ..

PS :: looking for a vocalist, guitarist & I'll learn d drums .. I bet its a future big hit .. rock on \m/

along the river I sat down and didnt wept..

2006-11-04T03:14:00.000-08:00

Your soul aint pure, neither is mine
lets pour some love, let love be the wine
walk alongside, lets talk about thoughts divine
dont shiver, dont resent, lets commit the crime

the river is wild, water rushing to touch your feet
dont be scared of the touch, its a mesmerising reach
this road millions have walked, with joy and pride
this road we have to walk now, a journey in disguise

along the river you sat, pouring down your emotions
its said, nething that falls here in, turns to a stone
I sat next to you, you hardly moved, unturned, tormented
I wanted to cry, but dry tears never spill .. do they ??

Find in the mist my face, embrace the unseen
long for me in hours of solitude, miss me keen
on the stairs wait for me, an appearance very lean
adore this rememberance, thats where we have been

lets sit alongside the river
and pour this bank with waters unknown ....

PS :: Life is not easy as it seems. A second leads to push urself away from people you would like to be with, at times you dont want the love you desired for most, at times you want to curb the bad so as to be called a good man ( jst for a moment ), at times you wish to run away from evrything thats trying to hold you ( though you love being held ).. at times you wish to be bad and mean to yourself .. and at those times you wish to loose yourself in a puff .. d smoke is all over ur face nd inside you .. thats when u realise how important it is to learn to be bad ... whats bad is not bad .. its a manifestation of your inner frustrations .. whts good is not good .. its a rehabilitation of your wrecked soul and ruptured emotions.
A man is made of emotions and pretty much drived by them, and wonder what would happen if the very existence of these emotions is desired to be denied, for peace. But does peace ever come .. may be the smoke relives d illusion of being in peace or of an eternal bliss .. but afterall your lost somwhere you never wanted to be .. ruining yourself to the core .. being an outlaw .. a desperado ..

the journey from hopeless romantics to romantics to simply stupid memoirs is great only if the smoke engrossed you forever .. bt it leaves you so quickly that you wonder, who the hell should you hold onto ..

life is a exxagerated oxymoron .. a bitter sweet symphony ..
hanging between desiring and denying ..

ohh .. PS is never meant to be so long .. hehe .. its called the ' PIssing SEction ' ..

home sweet home

2006-10-10T13:15:00.000-07:00

None remains the same ..

you will continue walking, even if its a rugged road tomorrow .. you just have to.
Things just happen to escape so fast that you just wonder .. was I too fast that I skipped it, or was I the one standing cool and calm and something went by wrooooom ..

Life is a 6 lane road at times .. and at times it's got some utterly frustrating speed breakers.

Had a much needed nice break at home this time, though it got a little boring till the end .. but invariably it was quite relaxing. Am I all charged up ?? .. doesnt feel like nething .. and wat for ? sadly so, theres hardly anything to do .. I mean a hell lot stands to be done and taken care of, but than am I not the laziest of guyz ..

Lately, just happen to put my hands on AYN RAND ( I mean not literally :D ) .. ATLAS SHRUGGED .. may be I might like it when its all finished, I wonder what makes people write such thick books man, dont they have customers in mind .. huh !! selfless-writing .. bullshit ...
But till now it hasnt turned out to be as interesting as my ears used to catch that AYN RAND air every now and then. Rather, it was a little depressing everytime I read that book. It is so materialistic ( not exactly realistic .. we dont alwayz run after money .. do we ?? .. ya had it been running after people .. sure .. all the time :D ) .. that OBJECTIVISM buzz word aint that appealing now. Is'nt it strange that if u like books from Paulo Coelho ( quite closely integrated in to life and certain emotions .. might not be that realistic though .. but some or the other time one does tend to have those feelings .. ) .. and than at the same time appreciating AYN RAND would sound a little absurd. Atleast, very weird.

Apart from reading, its been fun sticking myself to TV again .. MTV and other stuff .. lots of music and loads of eye candy stuff :D

Its yet again that I sense a feeling that I might get on track from my (ab)normal idiosyncracies, but hey did I heard a FROM TOMORROW .. IT MUST BE A BETTER DAY echo somewhere .. hehe .. usual isnt it ?

Had lot of stuff to write about, but evrything seems to have just passed me by .. wroooooooooom .. ( DAMN !! and you say to cut down my pace haan :O )

rock guyz .. jusss have fun !!

orange

2006-09-28T05:54:00.000-07:00

Drops fell down, steadily, like in rythm
On to the still grass, creating a mahem
I am rite underneath, getting drentched
Its a like a prayer heard, its like heaven

Hey gal, your my little orange
you took my hand, pulled me back to the grounds

Standing in the corner, engrossed with darnkness
you need no move, dont come in to light
I will reach out, I will enter darkness too
embrace you, wont it feel so rite ..

Hey gal, your my little orange
The one I savour, the one very adorable

( incomplete :D )

slept ... ( while writing )

2006-09-17T01:39:00.000-07:00

I lie down on d bed, nd I miss you
Try to find you, lost in my own memoirs
I stood up, look arnd, you are nowhere
I jst lie down again. *SIGH*, thts not fair

the clouds come along, nd roar aloud
the dream is broken, again, m lost in the crowd
But i feel, you will come running from the back
hold my hand, guide me, nd let me out of this crack

I wont speak a word, will jst go our way
to a place whr we'll talk, laugh nd play
the clouds wud roar again, you wont be scared
cause u already knw, theres someone who cares :D

jst savour these dreams, choose the pick-up lines
I'll mummble,stumble .. d stupid talks, d stupid crimes
you are sitting in d corner again, enjoying ur coffee
I wont drag now, wont pull, we'll jst enjoy our time

funny love ..

2006-09-13T06:46:00.000-07:00

Theres something there, a web round that corner
people used to live there .. now its former
No, wont let u go there, U'll get tangled
It wont be funny nemore, It wont be manageable

Let it be the Funny Love it is
atleast u smile, atleast ur free

Life is complicated, so are my words
so are these feelings, similar is this Love
lets just walk around, lemme make u laugh
the complications wont last, the times would surpass

Let this be the Funny Love we share
lets not complicate it, let us not care

Dont misread these words, dont disregard the feeling
the reason is ur laugh, it shudnt just disappear
escape these sturdy days, fly to te doors of heaven
I'll come bang there, shout out, kneal nd explain

Let this be the Funny Love ...
Let's just escape these tides of time nd sanity ..

Let it be the Funny Love we adore ..

how ironic ..

2006-09-11T14:25:00.000-07:00

She was quitely sitting in d corner
enjoying her coffee, happy go nature
Suddenly I drag her, pull her in to these situations
the coffee is spilled now, the cup is former

How Ironic it is
I am mumbbling, you are quiet
How stupid it is
I dont stop, you dont react

she just smiles, to reduce my pain
Its hard, hard to make u understand
I still walk alone, that same lane
Insane as this is , Insane as I am

How Ironic this is
I am strange, you are helpless
How stupid this is
I am still strange, ur still helpless

I've been hanging by the moment too long
Have been weak, just gotta be strong
releave you of the helplessness, pull u out
no more situations, no more shouts

How Ironic it seems
I should cut down, yet I will stay
However stupid it sounds
I wont run away, I wont change ....

feels so good ..

2006-09-10T03:10:00.000-07:00

Walking the same road again
It just feels so good this time
Its not for the change, neither for the name
Its all You, making me rhyme

I might be outstretching, like the usual
driving myself to pain, one i cant refrain
But it just feels so good this time
Its all you, making me commit d crime

your the dream, I would cherish
you a nightmare, who knws, I might perish
But it still feels so good rite now
Its all you, donno why, donno how

how can u be so calm, so composed
I am so berserk, very much disposed
But it feels so good, so close
Its all you, Me Jack .. my ROSE

This seems to be a dream
But it feels, M draggin u in
you not saying a word, no resistance
so much of patience, hearing all my crap

And this doesnt feel so good, m in distress
I feel i shudnt do this, I shouldnt press

speak out please, tell me the truth
I wont change, I wont run away
Cause this doesnt feel so good .. not so right
dont loose out please, understand its worth !!

Love ya .. newyz ..

all messed up ..

2006-08-26T06:24:00.000-07:00

sometimes life is just so messed up .. u dont really knw where should u start gathering the peices frm .. nd which one is to be picked first nd which one last. Which is worth a pick up nd which is obvious enough to be left alone, so that it cud be swayed away by the winds in to some corner of solace.

Have taken up a lot of initiatives, but the actions lack ( as alwayz ). Even my dad has made it a point, if u want to achieve something big .. u ought to be focused nd sincere in your actions ( not only in your thoughts ) cause its not thoughts rather the actions that produce result. But than all in vain.

Have been wandering here nd there, looking for new music, searching for donno wat .. contemplating donno abt wat ..

If the days are ohk, the nights become gloomy .. and if the nights r bright the dayz are cloudy ..

I have alwayz adored this line which i found in ALANA's blog ..

SOMEHOW I CAn't SEEM TO FIND THE QUITE INSIDE ME ..

you & me (incomplete)

2006-08-01T13:56:00.000-07:00

clasped in thy arms of lonliness
buckled with the emptiness within
frozen among the cold blue wind
waiting for you to pull me out ..

tangled up in this web of life
trapped in sudden twists nd turns therein
fighting those extinct tears
waiting for you to hush me up ..

wrecked, broken with ruthless blows
scattered like millions of pieces
striving to put together whats left within
longing to be pampered lots ...

Am I holding on to u too tight
Havent i been waiting for u since long
It seems u wont come, it seems u might
Me, jinxed by a confusion of my own ....

fine .. go far away ....

2006-07-24T15:47:00.000-07:00

Look here, dont you turn your face away
talk to me, please listen to me today
a storm came by, disrupted the bay
now its all filth, all dirt here that lay

the beach is lonely, waves running far
the boats are lost, struggling to find their way
the wind is unfamiliar, not a word the birds say
listen to me. hear me , make me happy & gay

you want to give me a break, i dont want one
you want me to lie down & relax, i dont need this hoax
why r u turning in to a wave, me in to the beach
pretending to be close, touching, still a turbulence abase

Gods hear thy pray, you hear mine
give me nothing, all i need is time
its neither kiddish nor stupid
answer me, question me, but hear me today ..

the house is now empty, so is the terrace
no ones watching the planes flying over
you r far far away, but u hear the engines bluster
dont look for the planes, but do hear them flying away

the night is still, its a black out, atleast hear me today ...

I am a little hazy, quite inappropriate
your the wave, the unbouded, uncontrolled
you are allowed to leave, ur allowed to break away
I will still be here, the sand, where once ur feet played with clay ..

!(Coming Back to life .. )

2006-07-23T11:30:00.000-07:00

Where were you when I was burned and broken

While the days slipped by from my window watching

Where were you when I was hurt and helpless

Because the things you say and the things you do surround
me

While you were hanging yourself on someone else's words

Dying to believe in what you heard

I was staring straight into the shining sun

Lost in thought and lost in time

While the seeds of lifeand the seeds of change were planted

Outside the rain fell dark and slow

While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pastime

I took a heavenly ride through our silence

I knew the moment had arrived

For killing the past and coming back to life

I took a heavenly ride through our silence

I knew the waiting had begun

And headed straight..into the shining sun

from novices to masters . ..

2006-07-18T11:29:00.000-07:00

I clearly remember I was in class 3 . Very small indeed. As innocent and as shy as a new born baby. And why wont I be, it was a new city, a new school, new people. I was in a city where I hardly knew people, I hardly had any friends, the streets were quite unknown, the air was new & so was its pollution. New were the moves that i needed to learn so as to survive. EVerything was new .. very very different.

So as I said I was as innocent as the morning dew [ :D ] .. it was exam time. I was done with all the regular subjects except for all the grade ones. It was ART the followong day. Dont know what occured to my mind, and i started drawing some scenery. I was fairly good at drawing, I mean not in terms of imagination, but ya if u give me some picture I could draw it pretty nicely, ya u can say I could copy ART well enough. I drew the scenery, showed it to mom & dad nd got some smile bringing appreciation. suddenly the devil starts it work, I grabbed the rubber and rubbed it all, with a light hand , the lines were still visible .. but it was still a white paper. I HAD DECIDED TO CHEAT ...

The following day the paper commenced, we were supposed to draw nething we wished for, what better could you expect from a 3 rd standard boy. I took out my drawing book, pretending I had all new pages in it. I started darkening the visible lines, I could have escaped easily ... but as they say .. the thief always leaves a mark .. donno out of terror of being caught or whatever i tried to hide what i was drawing, the teacher obviously caught attention of my tensed face . She suddenly came to my seat and asked me to show my book .. I WAS CAUGHT FOR SURE ...

After a minute I was standing right next to the blacboard facing the whole class. All embarrassed . From then on, I promised myself not to cheat. It was shame , you dont cheat in english,hindi, science .. not even in maths cause i was quite good at it , and ur defamed just because you tried copying some stupid art . All my time in the school till 10 th I hardly cheated . Making chits and all was far far away .

Now I am a big dude .. I am in college . rite ? I got all guts. Now we even cheat in maths, though everyone could have done it by themselves my aint answer matching necesaary, obviously it is . You are never sure as u grow old .. kids are more sure I guess . No professor scares us now, they are just a laugh away. We take precautions, we can rely completely on others for passing. WE ARE BIG TIME MUGGERS & A HUGE TIME COPY MASTERS ...

Its been a journey from a novice to a master ..

But still all the events in your lofe leave a mark .. so theres still a fear .. not the fear of being caught .. its the fear of being embarassed . We cheat , we copy .. it hardly matters ..

All that is important is not cheating on yourself & others .. life is more important .. we are here to learn .. to learn to live .. whtever comes our way .. rite !!

So, I aint a master .. m sure i wont be .. but wont even give up ..

a less learned life

2006-07-15T11:18:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer :: This ones going to be long .

Every single event of your life leaves you a lesson. Its all about mining the appropriate result out of all happenings, so as to apply it and try to imrpove ur life accordingly .. all we crave for is a better life evry single day . The sun has to be brighter but ya ( less HOt ) at the same time .

we get in to the fuss of putting events in to the good or bad category. Was this gud that i did .. was it bad that happened .. nd why did it even happen anyway, and is it only me whos gone through this .. why does this happen only with me .. damn .. blah blah blah nd what not .

Lets try lift ourselves above the categorisation of good and bad . Rather than cribbing lets just face the truth for the first time . Lets be ready to learn, not to avoid the situations that we crashed in to , rather to be prepared to handle them better. Lets not categorise cause nothing is good and nothing is bad . Its all perspective. Its all personal. And the point we will get over crying on good or bad may be we could realise the hidden message that was meant to be conveyed to us , though recognising and deciphering it was left to us .

The certain events that you go through in your life, admit it , they were meant to happen the way they did, supported by other events though. Now you decide not to do that again, so was it bad ? no it wasnt bad , it was wrong. In order to be better we tend not to do the wrong things .. cause sometimes you even ought to do some bad things in order to make way for some good things to happen . Complex and confusing as it may sound, but simply put, what you avoid doing is not actually bad , its wrong ( as per ur prespective only ) .. so lets not consider bad as bad .. nd lets avoid the wrong.

Learned philosophy 1 ::

Lets save our concern. Lets give importance and care only those that deserve. Its not meant to be wasted, dont hurry. Time is meant to be taken .

One craves to be admired. He's hungry for perfection cause no one in this world is perfect, and its a big deal even if he/she makes the closest to it. But arent we loosing our own identity in identifying our own self. Complicated again ( sry cant help it ). I mean stop starving, go have a great lunch. The feast will rejuvinate you. Simply, dont try too hard, forget perfection. Just take a deep breath and try to identify what exactly is this lump of flesh & fat walking lazily around the globe. Try wondering , Am i even walking , and if its not me than what exactly it is . Huh .. ofcoure ur walking man .. so what if the earth also spins on its axis , your ground is still stable. Identify your ground, put your feet, feel the weight ( not ur weight .. ofcourse your too heavy .. fatty ) feel the weight of your breath, feel the motion , feel the change in perception from eye to eye, feel the exhuberence inside , feel the confidence within .

Learned Philosophy 2 ::

Lets not try too hard, cause wars are not won by labour they are won by leaders .. the one with brains. Lets apply our brains ofcourse.

Learned Philosophy 3 ::

Lets apply our brains, lets think . But not from outside, think inside, feel inside. Just try loving urself, even if you are a pile of shit .. so what .. you still smell differently. Lets love ourselves .

We are crazy. And arent we proud of it. Or is this craziness a pretention. Damn . Why do we have to pretend anyway ?? I just hate that . Lets pretend to be non-pretending. Lets talk truth here. Ok fine we are crazy.

Learned philosophy 4 ::

We are crazy. wht ?? huh ?? ohk fine. Its only me . whatever .

THE BOY IS HAPPY AFTER LEARNING THAT LIFE HAS BUMPS .. THATS WHEN HE STARTS WALKING.

being passive

2006-06-25T09:06:00.000-07:00

being passive is like being screwed. And i have never understood why is it so that i have alwayz met more passive people in my life. and probably it all ends on expectations. They expect that i will make a move & I expect that they might make a move. And so under this passive deadlock, all comes to a standstill. Nothing moving, nothing happening.

This passivism has ultimately led me to a state of indecision. A state where evrything seems the same .. as if ur standing in the middle of something and evrything is at a similar distance to you. SO evrything seems fare .. whatever you choose hardly makes any difference . You dont want to continue on to certain relations but yet you dont want to let go. And such passivism kills the ability of thinking with a cool head. Everything seems quite unorganised, rather it is.

now only to kill this passivism I should walk or else I am stagnate. And to stagnate is to lag behind cause the world is moving fast. So may be i need some activation technique. ummm ...

wheres my schedule ?? :)

the urge of being a better man

2006-06-18T07:24:00.000-07:00

I know m a confused guy . Probably, as confused as confusing it can get . I wish to do all of it .. nd somehow end up doing nothing. And this confusion is killing me slowly. But soon I will be on the track .... lets hope so. There have alwayz been problems with me . Rather i have been a problematic guy all together.

Whatver i do in life , nd whatever i have been through in life were solely my decisions and I not supposed to regret them. But I do. I have this creepy habit of cribbing myself most of the times. Why am I not like this & that stuff !!

I went to a session today, conducted by IMS . THere was this guy .. the so called motivational speaker or the SOFT skills guy .. ohk fine .. he was gud .. bt he gets paid for tht , so he ought to be good. He was a man of extrovertism, some very cheap jokes but still knew how to catch peoples attention. And as is with such guyz he touched that very point which intrigues everyone . He wrote only two things on the board ::

WHO AM I ??
WHAT DO I WANT TO DO IN LIFE ??

And that was it .. rest was all crap . AS if he knew who he was, but ya since he has done quite a lot in his 35 yrs of life, so may be he was sure what he was supposed to do next. What if he was a youngster with a hell lot of worriers & pressure . I knw he might have been a youngster sometime .. bt thn was he d same individual as today . Did he knew the ans then.

Now, I dont exactly know WHO AM I ? the point i put this to myself, I get some very obscure answers like ..

' I am anuj panwar. Umm .. presently m a lil confused as to what to choose & wht to leave . I m walking down towards the AB rite now. I knw i have lots & lots of things to think about. But i just think & hardly react. I wish to do evry damn thing out there . Have tried to develop some varied interests lately .. bt thn i screw up most of the times .. as if i dont have time .. huh '

' I am anuj. umm .. may be this is a crap question . HOw can i figure out myself. Why is everybody more mature than me .. man they have got an insight .. i know i too have one .. but .. '

' I am anuj .. ohk . shut up now '

2 . WHAT DO I WANT TO DO IN LIFE ??

' ya sure . lots & lots of thigs. Its there in my thoughts bt the point i try to write down 1 thing i wish to do .. i donno .. nothing comes to my mind .. the state of being unsure is quite pathetic. Ya ya .. job, money, family & stuff r all there . But thats all normal stuff .... what exactly i want to do .. m not sure about . May be never thought of it seriously . And i am not even sure of the options that i have .. damn .. i suck at answwering such questions '

U see .. thts why questions like where do u see urselves 5 yrs down the line .. I hate them . I donno .. who knows abt tomorrow & ur talking about 5 yrs .. moreover to a lazy guy .. no way .

So u see, its all about these two questions. Umm .. probably they r some NP- hard problems .. ( haha .. forget it ) .

I wonder why i sometimes interfere in to peoples life. Trying to get too personal, thinking as if it is my job to see to it that the things r rite. And may be its just for some initial interest that i develop in certain individuals .. may be a normal attraction. But u knw its too bad to be personal. I shud think of leaving people by themselves .. cause seriously no one can help neone . My honey words my make someone feel good, but in the end its his/her life , he/she is supposed to handle it by themselves. Why do i worry ?? May be i dont .. its just that we are too scared to peep in to our own life, nd thus try to make others better off . ANd u say its a gud deed .. proabaly not. Treat yourself better .. nd you will be a better person tommorrow.

Sometimes I wish ( strongly ) to be a person of standards. I mean to have some of my own standards .. I do have some presently but havent really figured them out. But u knw theres a stage in life when you feel that almost everything is perfect .. you dont have anything to cribb on .. no regrets .. nothing.

Its this urge of being a better man .... every single day.

PS :: ohk . fine. Its yet another wierd post. so wht .

a lot like love

2006-06-10T05:56:00.000-07:00

PS :: Its nothing related to me. And this PS is meant for ppl who think that m obssessed with love .. which m prefectly sure m not , however confused i might be .

I recently witnessed some very interesting & kind of toughest questions regarding one of the most intriguing word .. feeling .. LOVE !! by rachna

Well, I thought of commenting & jst kept on writing .. so thght of pasting it as a post ( :D i hardly get things to write these dayzz .. my life is too obvious to be shared )

LOve .. aaah !! now who doesnt think abt it .. its such an intriguing word .. feeling ..

there is nothing like an IDEAL world today .. it has got personalised ..

Love is selfless, Zero ego & unconditional .. it is like that purest drop of water that the clouds let go .. bt as soon as it enters our atmosphere .. its polluted by the dirt & d smoke .. the filth inside

It falls down perfectly .. creates a ripple but that resonance is missing .. its not perfect .. cause d world is no more perfect .. nd i feel that LOVE is d most perfect feeling that one can ever have ..
it gives one immense pleasure whn u feel something beautiful for someone .. bt behind evry pleasure is hidden some lust .. pleasure is not pure .... its all individual ..

Love is not jst abt caring .. its about putting someone foremost .. ahead of evryone & evrything .. if u can feel the way u feel for ur parents for someone .. tht u can give nething & evrything jst to see that smile on someones face .. thn probably ur in love ...

Its about being at cloud 7 and maintaining the balance. Theres nothing like Perfect Love .. it is perfect in itself ..

But still to me its an intrigue .. its an illusion of being happy , rather getting prepared for yet another sad moment ( d one tht follows ) .

Its gud tht these dayz quite a lot of couples get married being in love .. well they might not be in love at tht point of time ( may be they hav an illusion .. bt thn they r ready to spend time wid one another .. thn its worth ofcourse ) .. thereby giving each other plenty of time to really fall in love ..

having said tht .. u nevr knw .. one might fall in love in a nick of time ..

Toughest problems are hardly solved with practice .. they require a strike .. its all a nick of time .. nd u never knw what theory Love follows .. it just makes it way in ..

DAmn !! donno .. its jst so confusing ..

Hapiness might be the start .. bt Pain is the only dead end that Love leads to !!

Its another Tequila Sunrise ..
Just another lonely boy in town ..

Oh, and its a hollow feelin when
It comes down to dealin Love

Take another shot of courage
Wonder why the right words never come
You just get numb
Its another tequila sunrise,this old world
Still looks the same,
Another frame, mm...

intricaciesof life

2006-06-08T03:39:00.000-07:00

The wish to stop time has never been stronger. I wish if i dont have to grow any older. Its not abt being scared of ur responsibilites or fearing the future .. its not abt running from the challenges of life nd nor it is about leaving the cosset world & facing the hard one out there .... its all abt individuality .. its all abt the person I am nd the person i am turning into as i grow.

I am sure none of us is as innocent & truthful as we used to be when we were kids ( talking abt innocent kids ofcourse :D ) .. not even to others nor to ourselves. And its not even about being what you were cause change is inevitable .. but is this change for the better or has the degradation started .. i mean 20 yrs i have been nurtured enough .. nd now m supposed to pay .. not strange though .. life is a not a bed of roses its a balance, though its alwayz hard to strike that balance thats why we stumble evry point of our life .. dont we ??

I cannot ask questions as I used to when i was young enough not to let my mind rule over my heart . I cannot ask someone ' Did you miss me' .. why ?? cause as i have grown so has my ego .. nd i can tell u its such a shit that u can hardly escape .. it wont evr let you know that its ruling you . We live in a society .. nd its but natural to get influenced .. nd its an egoistic society ..

Why should i be the one to initiate ??
Why should i say that ??
Why should i call first .. it wasnt my mistake ( though it was none's mistake .. it were the circumstances )
why should i express ....
why should i even speak out .. I will live with the pain ( nd i bet people really love it .. they will cry & yell .. bt at the end of the day .. they r the one who wished for it .. )

And as you move on you get more & more confused .. nd its none's fault .. ur the cause of our own confusion, cause you let this happen to yourselves .. and if its not true than why did man decided to get settled at a place rather than roaming around. The more you wander, the more you stray .. the more confusing it is . If i have been to 10 places & someone asks me 'Whts the most beautiful place in the world' .. wont i be confused !!

Shit !! now i got confused what to write further ..

But i must say that all these problems r simple & the solutions r simpler .. its all about accepting the solution.
If I dont accept the solution, neither i wish to deny it .... m bound to be hell confused as I am ..

I dont wish you near me .. neither i wanna let you go
I am still a confused man .. will i always be so ??
Life has never been lonlier .. its never been so testing
Will i start my walk .. or continue believing in resting !!

Ahh !! intricacies of life .. its such a pain in d ass .

PS :: :D :D

confused guy ..

2006-05-31T17:53:00.000-07:00

sometimes you wish to talk, you just wish someone to listen .. nt say a single word .. jst listen .. u have so much to say .. all thats inside you, nd at some rare day it wishes to come out ..

sometimes you just wish to listen, you dont want to talk, silence is ur peace .. rather you wish someone to speak out .. rather u wish someone to be a chatterbox , you knw ur there to take it all .... nd ur happy & content .. cause in ur silence u can feel others excitement .... in ur peace u can witness the hussle in others life ..

sometimes you wish to stare .. just stare .. say you spot a gal who seems to be ur kinda gal ( seems to be bcause u havent yet talked to her .. bt u knw na theres alwyz a voice which yells out .. shes it .. or may be she cud be it .. she cud be d one whos been playing hide & seek since long .. things might change whn u talk :D ) .... so u jst wish if time cud stop & u could catch that moment & cherish it for sometime .

sometimes you wish to be stared at .. you desperately wish to be d centre of attraction .. so that ppl can spot u .. i mean fuck ppl .. d one u specially want to can give u some attention .... i mean its no desperation .. u jst want it ..

sometimes in moments of solace u wish if somebody was there who could read whats written inside me & recite it out .. its so hard to understand oneself .. nd harder are to control ur self-centred acts ...

.. u wish somebody could see the tears that u never really shed .. those that were there sometime .. at the corner of ur eye .. nd thn it cud hold ur hand .. i mean u never asked for that .. bt u wanted it desperately & probably she realised that .. nd thn she wont say a word .. not a single word .. she wud jst stare deep in to ur eyes as if she cud negotiate wid those tears & turn them bck .. to be spilled later at an appropriate moment ..

sometimes i wish if i was as confident as a stone .. .. nothing cud stir me .. knowing the fact that things passing me by are eroding me slowly & steadily .. nd for sure i will fall down one day .. bt still i will be happy cause spmetime in my life i turned the flow .. it pushed me yet cudnt stir me .. cold & confident .

sometimes i wish if I can peacefully imagine beyond my own imagination .. doing whtevr I have wished to .. to be at peace .. floating with the flow .. swinging with the ghust ..

atleast a moment of stability in life .. a timeframe where in i can feel that things r going in the rite direction ..

well .. M a confused guy !!

PS :: well it didnt came out of d blue .. was jst browsin through d movie AMERICAN BEAUTY .. nd jst loved some sequences .. so .. thts why ..

the extremes .....

2006-05-20T10:27:00.000-07:00

been there .. done that ..

m sure all of u mst have heard this zillions of times .. nd if u havent .. u still have lotsa life left .. so dont worry.

now by being there & doing that .. wht does one intend to signify .. probably that some where in the sands of time he reached the extreme. ummm .. being at the extreme of something is like a rage .. its a sudden touch .. rather a touch & go . U try to be there for long .. u might vanish .. cause an extreme is an extreme .

but i insist there does not exist a single extreme .. rather there r two extremes. If u ever heard of a number line which m sure most of u did .. we hve +(infinity) & we hav -(infinity) .. the two extremes.

If today i claim calling myself an extreme biker .. than i shudnt only be talking abt reaching 110 kms/hr.. facing the thrust & the stir .. the motion & the shortening of distances ..... its not only that .. i must talk abt touching the ZERO .. trying to move at minimal speed .. yet not touch the ground .. see the lengthning of distances .. i need to feel the need of speed & the zeal of touching the zero .. nd may be than i might be able to strike perfect balance .. in whtver situation d road puts me in.

I guess its the same with love .. i mean one cannot say that hes been in love jst because he felt to be on cloud # 9 sometime .. bt if he got hurt badly falling frm it sometime & he still bears the scars .. may be thn he was/is in love ..

though life is not abt striking a balance .... rather we can hardly achieve one .. but its all abt being sure whether ur moving at a decent pace & that at some point in ur life u touched the extremes .... it takes a lot of toll though .. bt things dont come for free these dayzz . do they ??

newyz .. normalcy is out of question these dayz .. normal is out of fashion i guess .. people prefer 3/4 ths .. dont they ?? so u cannot be ur full self .. its a mixture of pretence, falsification & faking thy self .. damn .... i have seen almost evryone writing abt bearing a mask & all that stuff .. yet no one is able to remove it ..

its a confusing world .. isnt it ..

4 dayz ago someone used to love u .. aftr 2 dayz he cried that 'cannot live without him' .. nd today he doesnt evn care whether u r dead or alive .. thts d way seasons come & go .. ummm may be love is seasonal .. nd if u question why ?? Donno is an appropriate0 answer .

nd u wonder why do u give it a shit if its like that .. nd whn in d end ur lost why to evn walk that road .. but that sometimes u have to compromise with ur own standards ... thats how life is .. compromises, guilts, desires, mistakes, repetition of mistakes, temptations .. u cannot afford to stop & smile .. u jst have to walk else people will run u down .... its a ruthless world ..

SHOW NO MERCY .. CAUSE YOU WONT GET ANY !!
BUT WILL SHOW SOME COURTSEY .. CAUSE CHIVALRY IS MY MIDDLE NAME :)

fuck ...

2006-05-06T09:49:00.000-07:00

ahan !! dont knock on that door
there's this brat, i wont respond
I have played enough, a lot drenched
I m not tired, yet i need some rest

every endeavour went down the drain
I wonder if there exist a word 'gain'
I aint dissapointed, yet got nothin to inspire
so probably i need to stop, else might perspire

so lemme settle down, lemme take a breath
will be back soon, full throttle ..

I aint leaving the blog world .. not evn a break .. just a lil tired of my stupid acts of ruining my own life .. getting myself involved into things that I dont deserve or may be i cant handle. Just wanna take my time & settle down .. gather all that i have .. some new thoughts .. new plans & may be start over again .... it wont be easy .. bit ROME wasnt built in a day .. not even in a week ..

so guys lemme relax a lil bfr i get a heat stroke :O .

I wonder if i ever did a single thing right .... fuck .. did I ??
( aaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnn ... wondering .... aaaaaaannnnnn )

Ps :: just learning to be cool whn things dont go my way without kicking someones butt :D .

just like tht ..

2006-05-05T02:05:00.000-07:00

AAH !! just when someone thought the world was a nice place to dwell in .. he was robbed that very night. Now what can he do ?? he has nowhere to go .. no one to shout at .. no one to complain about .. nd in case if hes superstitious he will blame that very thought of considering the world a better place . but where else can he land up .... martians r considered to be more dangerous .. they dont rob .. they just kill u .. slowly ...

so with no where to go he will have to stay here only .. try building his world again .. probably work hard again though not with the same passion but just for the sake of being busy .. cause if martians wont kill you than boredom can surely lead you to death .... so he will have to continue .. living life at a snails pace .. than again someday when the sun is brighter .. the light is soothing , the day he feels happiness was his virtue nd the cloud no 9 existed only for his 3 day holiday package .. the thought will reappear again .. nd u call it coincidence, bad luck or whtevr he might be robbed again .

gosh !! life is such a bitch ( dog in my case ) ... it pisses off nething that seems standing .. straight & erect . its a vicious circle ..

but whatever way one may cribb .. world surely is a better place to learn ( i never said nething abt living :D ) .

thank god we have friends !!

PS :: if ne of u is robbed tomorrow , u can surely put up at my small place .... just climb that house of trust whn troubling waters tend to drown you ..

ought to be brave ...

2006-04-19T08:20:00.000-07:00

Is he brave ??
does he fear ??

what does one really intend to know from such questions ?

someone wants you to be brave .. you urself have those norms .. but what exactly do we mean by being brave !! does it mean wacking ppl around .. leaving them with bleading nose & broken ribs .... or is it protecting your loved ones, ur friends from all sorts of mishaps .. or is it going out of the boundaries just to help someone in need of help .... or is it .. living your own life fear-less-ly .. facing all kind of situations watevr way they may come & still standing erect .. not running away from your own guilts & mistakes .

and if one intends to be brave than one needs to define fear for himself ? cause fear does differ from individual to individual . for me fear might be fighting my own decisions .. and if this is my fear .. how the hell am i going to overcome .... probably its all about the ppl around ( which i already mentioned in the last post ) ....

so if I am scared of all of them out there .. how am i supposed to piss them off .
MAy be i am still to learn to yell out all the ' F ' words at the crowd .. & conclude it sayin " fuck you !! I dont give a damn .. " ... may be that might instil in me the feeling of teasing my own fear .. may be then i wont fear my own decisions .. may then they will be my decisions .. my very own decisions .

I aint gonna accept something just because u ( as in the crowd ) said it ... I aint gonna disbelieve just because you dont support my thoughts ... I aint gonna fuck around you just because you want me too .... its my life .. its my decision ... days of prematurity have been prolonged .. but now is the time to act my way . so probably this is a shout at my own self .. come on dude .. " BE A MAN " ...

come on dude .. " BE BRAVE " .. not because they ( as in the crowd ) would praise u .. they wud consider you a warrior ... but because someone wants you to be ..

probably i gotta encourage thyself quoting ::

Boy: The man you're fighting? He's the biggest man I've ever seen. I wouldn't want to fight him.

ACHILLES : THAT'S WHY NO ONE WILL REMEMBER YOUR NAME

the fear of tomorrow ..

2006-04-11T07:30:00.000-07:00

Its pretty normal to have certain odds against you .. but when the evens rebel what is one supposed to do .

There are two kinds of life ( may be more .. but for this peace of writing i can only comment on two of them ) ..

1. you live like a warrior .. the odds are never a big deal .. people of such kind know how to tackle a situation when the evens also go against .. they know how to handle rebellions .

2. you live like an adjustment .. u hardly managed to keep up with the odds .. you have always feared them .. nd if u could ever wonder the evens going for a rebel .. its the worst possible nightmare ..

but what if one is caged .. he wants to be a warrior .. he wants to break all that comes in his way .. freedom is his destination .... his actions are his own .. but then nothing arouns seems supportive .. hes weakened by the thoughts of despair ..

i mean he wants to move on .. but every damn way he thinks of is close to impossible .. and its not only the hindrances that he fears .... its the people ..

He knows whichever way he picks to move on .. 100 eyes are looking over .. an upright gaze .. theres no way to escape .... he knows he is not answerable to any of them .. he never cared a damn about any of them .. but arent they weakening him .. its a slow poison .... eats out the strength .. instils the fear .. drop by drop .. second by second ..

wht is one supposed to do .. ?

The decisions that he took yesterday seem to be mistakes today .... but some thing inside knows that its not a mistake .. its a feeling that the ouside world has always tried to induce in humans ... the nature , the other humans .. they have always tried to instil that fear of considering decisions as mistakes ....

you run on a rugged road .. round 1 .. round 2 .. round 3 .... its hard to breathe .. the feets r sore .. d road seems never ending .... the courage dropping down every second .... I might have made it today just because i kept yelling to myself .. U CAN DO IT .. U CAN MAKE IT FORSURE .. probably a yell overcame the fear ... but wud this help tomorrow as well .. wud i be able to yell at the same pitch .. wud i be so determined ..

Its all the tomorrow fear .. wud i be the same warrior tomorrow .. whos gonna be by my side ?? nd even if someone is .. am i really gonna ask for help ?

But then we are born to fight ... who said winning is an obligation !!

tear me apart .. come on .. jst do it ...

2006-04-07T10:34:00.000-07:00

dont you stop ohh .. ohh dear
its normal, just another tear
tear me apart, be ruthless
dont you spare me .. dont you ohh dear ...

clutch my sentiments hard , let them choke
come on .. go on .. ohh dear, its a mere joke
crush my feelings , go on .. press your boot hard
pull me from all sides, puhlzz .. tear me apart

kill my thoughts, push them in a carton
i am naive , set me to fire , let me ablaze
let the tears catch fire, let them escape (as steam)
catch my breath .. make it harder to breathe .. ohh baby

fill the room with smoke baby, let nothing be seen
throw me chained in d ocean ,quick , m pretty keen
Its been quite a time my baby , let all be killed
It wont ever be the same baby , we wont ever be skilled ....

tear me apart baby , leave me to bits ...
Gather me up , dont throw me in the BIN ...

PS :: dontya run ur mind towards the naughty side .. its nothing abt tht .... try to understand d real meaning .

once u said u care ..

2006-04-02T14:08:00.000-07:00

With my eyes closed
my heart searching for solace
I twist & turn on my bed
As if thats not my place

someone teasing me in dream
reaching close & than running far
helpless !! I could only scream
still no ones there to read that scar

I wonder why did i chose pain
When I knew all wud go in vain
Its just like a window pane
one can see through, yet its unknown !!

you lend me just a finger
standing on the edge , left unsure
should I hold ur hand & linger
Or should I let go & fall obscure ....

help me baby, am in dispair
help me baby , help me .. once u said u care .....

stumbled, hurt, jinxed ... tired ..

2006-03-30T12:00:00.000-08:00

once upon a time ....

a boy wandered all around
contemplating thoughts profound
His feet found no proper ground
running far from a melancholy sound

The tear fell in the hands of destiny
Not knowing when it would smile ....

than one fine day ....

Came a hand the tear had longed for
he knew the hand was there to touch the core
the feeling was untouched, it was all pure
He felt an awe , he hadnt dreamt for more

The hand came closer, ready to entice
The tear felt it all, he had to realise
It was the end
Either he had to run all the way down the cheek
Or It was to be wiped off , with no place to seek

Its no more than a fake dream
All turned out to be rotten cream
The tear knew it had nowhere to flee
Its none else, The tear is ME !!

PS :: THE MESSAGE IN D PICTURE READS ::::
Now the dwelling of god is with men, and he will live with them.They will be his people, and god himself will be with them and be their god. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away .

plzz dont be scared .

2006-03-26T22:15:00.000-08:00

Ahhh !! I have been having a great time since last few months. Jst because I have been roaming around a lot. No studies .. total fun. Sometimes on humourous dinners ( i mean lotsa laughter & eating ) wid friends .. and thn visiting places nearby. From temples in Mathura to TAj in agra. From waterfall in Sultangarh to NAtional Park in shivpuri . But than again after 10 hrs of fun, laughter & involvement .. u gotta get back to urselves .. to ur own self .. which ultimately sucks .. cause it asks u .. it says u hav had enough fun .. u dont deserve so gud so noe is the time to enter the cave of darkness . I guess life is a sine curve ( for those who hate sine .. it cud be cos as well ) .

Well a good thing about ORKUT is , now a lot of my school mates whom i wasnt in contact wid r joining the party. Jst few days back found one of my friends. SHe left the school in class 8 th , though i used to see her during my JEE preps but thn as i hav always been .. I hardly talked to her. ANd damn to my utter surprise .. this is wht she wrote ..

actually till class 8th u were very reservd nd truly speaking i was afraid of u. bt know i think u r changed.

for a moment it felt d same as the MONSTER's INC. monster wud hav felt .. scared tht lil cute kid wid no intensions for d same. :(
hahahaha ...... i mean damn dude. well no hard feelings though. SHes not to be blamed. Its all abt me , d way I have been :D .ITs a bit embarassing though :p .

Hey I am scary
THank god I never teased the mirror
THings around me are so gloomy
Phew, never tried to figure it out .

standing by the roadside
With familiar faces passing me by
I dont talk, my downside
Figure out, I am quite SHY

uff uff yesterday, hai hai today

2006-03-22T03:25:00.000-08:00

yesterday they were ram,shyam & ghanshyam .. today .. today they are Tom, Dick & Harry !!

CHange is such an inevitable thing. It is bound to happen, no resistance works. Rather even the resistance is some sort of change in itself. I am not what i used to be, i sure wont be what I am. And by change I do mean small little changes obviously .. tht occur to us almost daily.

Yesterday they used to say 'ramram bhaiya' .. today ... today they yell out 'hey dude .. sup ?'

Yelling out sometimes can really help you. Theres something inside thats poisonous, thats killing you slowly & steadily, something you have always avoided to let out. Its chained you since long. Its always at the back of your mind, banging there comntinously, 'bang .. bang .. bang .. lemme out of here .... ' . So chose a day, yell out you good for nothing pretending to be geek, a certified asshole .
( courtsey : anuj panwar :D ) .

Yesterday they used to push ( dhakka lagana ) a ' thukkar feat ' .. today .. today they they even pee in a BMW .. ( no they didnt win a lottery man )

Its only me, no one else. I shout, I yell out at others, blame others, both individuals & objects .. but is it really there fault . I m sure its not. It is me who is to be blamed . It is definitely me who lacked & u lacks & who wont ever be even a jst another normal guy. He wished to change, i mean as i said already tht change is continous & it happens on a regular basis , but it has its won sets of rules .. u cannot accelerate it beyong a level. Change is always supported by balance & control. So, m sry. I cannot help it. I will still have to yell out at u .. u good for nothing pretending to be shepherd, an appreciated jerk
( courtsey : yours truly again :p ) .

yesterday he used to look at SITA maiyas feet only ( some1 like laxman dude ).. today .. today they go to some pub i guess ( so wht .. bro might be in office .. his boss pissing him off .. but bhabhs need some quality time na .. its called outsourcing my friend :) )

Its quite general. We are dogs ( ladies u decide urselves .. no cmnts ) .. arent we ? I mean dont take it literally dude .. dont go on the breed part .. try to get the concept . SO we r all dogs .. some day we are underdogs and some day we are superdogs ( superman had a superdog .. i mean if u guys donno ). The day m a superdog .. I spare no one. I just let anyone dare ask me .. and he will see me as a player at blast .. in full form .. his worst nightmare . I mine I can advice him on anything or everything .. with d very small repository of my knowledge .. I m sure I can still fool him .. cause every dog has his day .. and today's day is for both of us .. I m a superdog & he is an underdog. I am a ardent speaker and he is a verocious listener . And the day I m an underdog .. U can bug me .

yesterday they used to ....... today ..... today they ......

seriously its all like that .. wht was yesterday aint today & whts today wasnt yesterday ( i guess its d same thing :p ) . so uff uff yesterday ... and hai hai ( rather maro maro ) today ...

have a nice day :)

turning times ( ooops i mean tides ) ..

2006-03-08T11:06:00.000-08:00

Just when you think the time is right !!

you write the letter, wait for the evening with desperation, excitement & confusion within. you arent prepared, but it has to happen one or the other day . you were bound to choose one day cause you didnt have any other option, you didnt had the control you just had the choice of date. And you chose this day. NO mathematics involved though.

So you chose this day. the evening is aprroaching, the setting sun enticing you . And you have that DO or DIE feeling ( actually you have to induce that feeling within, theres no other source of confidence .. fake confidence i must say ) . But than you see the clouds covering up the sun, creating an illusion. The weather seems fine. Rather its a perfect weather .

But the time you come out with the letter, and start a confused journey .. it starts pouring. you run, you hide .. you cover the letter with your body, you try to save it from getting drentched and loosing its fragrance. you wish the words are swept away by the raindrops, you wish them to flow to the destination where you wished them to be . yet, you save them from being washed away. But all in vain .

how long would you wait, the rains are never gonna stop. once ur caught in the rain, theres no way out. you dont have an option than giving up.

now its no more a letter, its just another peice of paper, u cannot help it. Its nothing new, u get used to this helplessness, its all about time.

its just another peice of paper, it deserves what all other peices of paper deserve in the rain. They are made in to a boat , some with perfect balance & some that wont travel all the way down the hill . But they have to face the water, the turbulence .

something that was a letter in the morning, is no more than a boat fighting against the tides, trying to move with the flow, trying to fight its luck , trying to manage down the hill. its no more than a struggle .

you never know ......
when a dream turns in to a struggle .. an uncontrolled struggle.

PS :: that letter aint a love letter. its something philosophical that i have tried (pathetically ) to write. I knw its diff to understand wht some1's trying to communicate .. or whts on others mind .. but cant help it . sometimes you write for yourselves. the title might be a hint .

(you + me) / us

2006-03-06T01:17:00.000-08:00

Lost in the memoirs of thy life
Turning pages in a slow motion
Deciphering the hidden codes
Trying to mine out the loops & the holes !!

Has it been an even function
Or am I overlooking its oddness
I wanted to converge
Will I reach the global minimum ??

you enjoyed being a complex ( you + i(me) )
I tried to be real ( 1.9999999999999999999999999999999999 )
No wonders we couldnt fit in
Shouldnt we create a better hilbert space ??

The apple might have fallen
But we never considered the pulling force
Their was no action
Hence was no reaction .... only procrastination !!

I guess we r waiting for artificial intelligence
Agents of love
our hearts will be read & learned
And may be that could prevent any other procrastination ....

AMEN .

Ps :: I have surely misplaced some concepts .. I apologise .

stories ....

2006-02-26T05:03:00.000-08:00

Few nice excerpts frm THE DEVIL & MISS PRYM (Paul Coelho).

1. fRieNds :

Once upon a time, a man, his horse and his dog were travelling along a road. As they passed by a huge tree, itwas struck by lightning, and they all died. But the man failed to notice that he was no longer of this world and so he continued walking along with his two animal companions. Sometimes the dead take a while to register their new situation ..

It was a long, uphill walk, the sun was beatingdown on them and they were all sweating and thirsty. At a bend in the road they saw a magnificient marble gateway that led into a gold-paved square, in the centre of which was a fountain over-flowing with crystal-clear water. The man went over to the guard at the entrance.

" Good morning"
"good morning" the guard replied.
"What is this lovely place?"
"It's heaven."
"well, I'm very glad to see it, because we're very thirsty"
" you're welcome to come in and drink all the water you want" And the guard indicated the fountain.
"My horse and dog are also thirsty" .

" I'm terribly sorry", said the guard, " but animals are not allowed here."

" The man was deeply disappionted for he really was very thirsty, but he was not prepared to drink alone, so he thanked the guard and went on his way. Exhausted after more trudging uphill, they reached an old gateway that opened on to a dirt road flanked by trees. A man, his hat pulled down over his face, was stretched out in the shade out in the shade of one of the trees, apparently asleep.

"good morning" said the traveller.
"The other man greeted him with a nod.
" there's a spring over there amongst those rocks", said the man idicating the spot. " you can drink all you want."

THe man, his horse and his dog.went to the spring and quenched their thirst.

The traveller returned to thank the man.
" come back whenevr you want" he was told.
" By the way, what's this place called? "
" Heaven"
" Heaven ? But the guard at the marble gateway told me that was heaven! "
" That was not heaven, that's hell . "
The traveller was puzzled.

" you shouldnt let others take your name in vain, you know! False information can lead to all kinds of cinfusion! "
" on the contrary, they do us a great favour, because the ones who stay there are those who have proved themselves capable of abandoning their favourite friends " .

SO frndz i will see u in heaven then.

2. THe ARt of living

A hunterguide used to teach his customers who had lot of money but little experience hunting the Art of living. He would take them to a piece of waste ground. There, he would place a beer can on top od a stone.

Then he would stand about fifty yards from the can and, with a single shot, send it flying.

" I m the best shot in the region", he would say. " And now you're going to learn how to become as good as me".

He replaced the can on the same stone, walked back to where he had stood before, tool a handkerchief out of his pocket and asked the newcomer to blindfold him. Then he aimed once more in the direction of the target and fired again.

" Did I hit it ? " he would ask, removing the blindfold.
" Of course not", the new arrival would say, pleased to see the proud guide humbled. " You missed it be a mile. I dont think there's anything ou can tech me" .

" I 've taught you the most important lesson in life" , the guide would reply. " Whenever you want to achieve something, keep your eyes open, concentrate and make sure you know exactly what it is you want. No one can hit their target with their eyes closed" .

Lets remove the cloth from our eyes ..

there she goes again ..

2006-02-21T01:52:00.000-08:00

The birds fly away to the southern sky searching a home

A bunch of paper flowers or a little boy left all alone

Can somebody hear me I'm screaming from so far away

Morning who will calm you now, the evening is eclipsed again

It was spring. The air was dry allaround, yet the room had a moist smell. His dark skin had a whitish dryness. It itched, and thus wasnt comfortimg. That aura was gone, long gone. His face didnt had that glow anymore. He looked like a child who had lost his most precious toy recently and wasnt quite happy without it. Running his hands through his cluttered hairs he yawned again, as if he had nothing to do since long. He wasnt the most free of guys, but he wasnt busy as well.

Whatever it was , it was all unlikely. Things wont be the same ever again. He had made a move & probably there was no turning back now. He had lost his own game. A game he used to master. A game everyone consider him champ of. But days arent the same throughout, and now his time had come. For the first time he had been made to look in to the mirror, right in to a loser's eyes.

It was the last day, no farewell nothing , but it was the last day . Something was ending, but the question was .. Is this the dead end ? There was no question of turning back, rather there was no road that could lead him back to where he was months ago. He had come a long way, yet it felt as if he had been standing at the same place , waiting for someone who could make him realise that the place wasnt the same , that he had moved & that he had moved rightly. But there was no one to tell him, everything was parting.

His feet were working, the bicycle was moving ahead, but where was he going ?? Did he really knew where he wanted to end up, nobody knew that. Neither him, nor his feet. And then came the moment. She appeared from the corner of the street. As beautiful as ever, as innocent as a kid. She continued her journey towards her home. They lived in the same building, flats facing one another. They had been close, they had played a lot but was that enough ??

He wished her mom a good evening. He knew it was the last time he did that. They would be leaving tomorrow, to a place which he might not visit ever in his lifetime. They might not be together anymore. And it made him feel lonely. He knew that it was bound to happen, but there are infinite things that are bound to happen , but do we really accept them just because they were supposed to happen ? After pondering over the memories for an hour, he finally managed reaching back home. The moment he opened the door, she came running to him. he picked her up, in his arms. She wasnt that heavy, and even if she was, the very pleasure of holding her made her weightless. And with all innocence she yelled ::

" Anuj bhaiya, hum to kal ja rahe hain. Aap bhi hamare saath chalo na"

ANuj :: " Bantu , I cannot come with you. Main to apne mom dad ke paas rahoonga"

BAntu :: " Haan to main bhi apne mom dad ke paas rahoongi " . " AAp muje miss to karoge na "

Anuj :: " are beta .. aapko kaise bhul sakte hain .. itne pyaare bachoon ko koi bhoolte thode hi hai . Par aap promise karo ki aap bilkul bhi shaitaniyan kam nhin karoge .. promise karo ki agli baar jab aap miloge to isse bhi jyada shaitan hoge "

And she bursts in to that killing laughter.

The next day she left him, wayed a big byeeee ... a few phone after that & now she exists only in her memories. And he wonders, why do they call kids cute if they can really make u feel sick !!

to d reader :: wht did u thought haan . heheheheheeheh .

PS :: Actually it wasnt a gal, rather it was a sweet sa boy named bantu ... jst 3 yrs of age .. and m happy that i spent some time of life watching a young kid make a fool of me & make everyone laugh with his wits & sweeeet poems. But the sex was changed jst for fun. Had nothing else to write.

v.d.

2006-02-14T09:52:00.000-08:00

tu bin bataye mujhe le chal kahin ....
jahan tu muskuraye .. meri manzil wahi ..

i will take you to heights that u hav alwayz feared ..

i will lend u my hand .. whn u need it .. & when u dont ..

will hold your hand .. whenevr m down .. whevr i need it ..

your dreams .. my dreams ... will be ... our dreams ..

u smile .. i smile ... eye 2 eye .. thoughts 2 thoughts ..

jahan hai teri baahein .. mera saahil wahin ..

on the edge .. i will be ur balance ..

we will count d stars ... [ in d day ]

will swirl u in my arms .. a joy ride ..

1-2, 3-4, 5-6 , 7-8 .. step with step .. hand in hand .. tap for tap .. move for move .. close & perfect ..

aaahhhhh ..

will u be my valentine ??

PS :: Happy Valentine's Day .

dont go ... plz ..

2006-02-11T05:03:00.000-08:00

Please ..

I wont Hurt you
I promise I wont play
I would be an object
Passive & all attractive !!

You wont get bored
All i need is time
All i want is love
All i can give is me !!

You dont have to confront
You dont have to drink my tears
All i want is some cosset
All i wish for is a hand to hold !!

Please ... please dont go ......

I wont buzz you with problems
I aint asking for solutions
All i want is a support
All I want is a belief ....

you have reasons to go .. plz .. find reasons to stay ...

I have procrastinated long ...
Wont hibernate any more
I cannot die for you
But surely I can bleed !!

plz ... plz dont go ..

Theres nothing more than you & me
Theres nothing more I want
Theres nothing more I can allow
Theres nothing more ...... just us ...

plz ... dont go away ...

Is my vision fading
Or is it you moving far
I cant see any more
I dont wish to ...

Theres nothing more ... nothing more ... nothing more than

darkness .....

plz ... plz ... be my lite .....
dont go ...

PS :: Jst wrote this poem as if i was a broken heart .. which m not presently ... but it made me understood who one cud feel .. and i guess it might be jst .00001 % of it ..

a road unknown

2006-02-07T09:56:00.000-08:00

Its all sweat .. legs weak .. and gettin weaker with every step ..a step taken to move forward . But it feels as if u are being dragged back. The road ahead seems infinite, unknown .. confusing .. and the journey is breathtaking. But arent most of them like that. If u aint tired in a journey .. than wheres the fun .. but how long .. how long can u stand on ur feet .. how long can u stay determined .. how long can u resist the resistance .. how long ? how long ?

And is it worth it . May be not now .. may be tomorrow u might know the worth .. but jst because on some tomorrow i would be relieved of this tiredness .. should i continue wasting my today . Or should i procrastinate as usual. But how long can u overlook .. how long ? how long ?

You make promises to yourselves .. It wont happen again for sure ... I wont do that .... I wont let that happen to me .. I aint considering tht shit worth .... I aint gonna long for thins outof my reach .... I aint gonna think .. Lets be passive .. Lets be active .. Jst shut up .. ohk !! . But as the normal phrase goes Promises r meant to be broken specially whn done to urselves .. cause its not harming someone else .. no ones at loss .. no one other than me .

See evn all this is a one day thought .. the night will pass .. soon .. pretty soon .. the sleep will do the healing .. The morning air would bring the freshness back .. but why ? why there has to be a cycle ... aint there a way out ?? It sucks to feel trapped ?? You can run .. but whts the point .. u will wnd up a similar place .. nay be a bit better .. may be a bit worse .. wont make a difference. How long can u be positive .. specially with so much negative around .. inside ..

Who Cares is the buzz word right !! But wht if u dont have the stregth to utter it out. What if everything seems stopping .. slow motions .. but u still cant see clearly .. time passes .. and ur back in form .. kicking on something or the other. Waiting for another tiredness .. and u think u wont worry .. u wont let the heat take a toll .. u wont give up .. u wont even think of giving up .. no compromises !! But this aint a solution either .

Its an endless journey ... the bitch ( Dog in my case ) called life !!

they say ... but !!

2006-02-03T10:50:00.000-08:00

They term me as talkative
But
The time I hear your voice
I become so numb !!

They say that I m confident
But
As i listen to ur thoughts
My castles collapse !!

They say I can lead my way
But
As I think about you
I become a sheep !!

They say that I m humorous
But
As I hear you giggling
The jokes turns out a tragedy !!

They say that I m thoughtful
But
As soon as I open my eyes
Its only you on my mind !!

They say that I have a vision
But
As soon as I close my eyes
You become my dream !!

They say that I m strong
But
As soon as I feel your will
I become sick weak !!

They say that I m friendly
But
As U lend me ur hand
I pretend to be too shy !!

They say that I can dare
But
As u invite me to the ground
I wish to step down !!

They say that I can express
But
As u ask me to utter words
" WORDS ... ITS ONLY WORDS ... WORDS ARE ALL I LACK "

They say that I m a hopeless romantic
But ....
But .....
I fear they r wrong
May be As u talk of love
I wont respond , I wont be poetic
But I will feel the same .. the same .... the unsaid !!

Unpoetic ::: Cause being romantic isnt expressing Love ... its about feeling it in the air .

PS :: Well i wrote it quite a time back. And it was there in some folder .. & today as i looked at it ... jst to pass my time .. i thought it was gud .. i mean i thght ........ and hey its jst a poem ... no quest plz .
Theres no love in d air .... its only boredom !!

aaaaaaa !!!! is this me ??

2006-01-31T11:47:00.000-08:00

After years of hibernation
I finally open my eyes again
The thoughts start running
On some infinite lane

Have things changed ?
As I ponder with a yawn
I know the world hasnt changed much
I sit at the same place where I slept

Physical movement was impossible
But have I moved on .. literally .. intellectually ?
Have I been to some other world in between ??
Indeed .. I procrastinated again !!

I didnt do what was to be done
I didnt undo what had been done !!

Everyone around became perfect
But did I even tried to learn ??
People may have called me a serpent
But did I even hissed ??

There have been moments of ecstacy
But wasnt I lonely ??
There were lots of friends
But werent there enemies ??

Have things changed ?
Or this change U feel , is it an illusion ??

PS :: this peice sounds quite incomplete to me .. but at times certain things look gud if they r left .... incomplete. And may be by doing so .. i got something to ponder upon .

735 mins. of entertainment

2006-01-25T12:16:00.000-08:00

Its been great. Awesome, happening, fun ... and what not. For me last 2 dayz were gr8. No I didnt went on some trip to honolulu .. neither i surfed on any tsunami wave .. I jst watched JOEY . 12hrs & 15 mins of complete entertainment.

Sometimes its worth wasting a lot of time. And the fun is that u tell yourself that ur going to waste it. But i guess it aint a waste. I jst gave myself the best medicine possible .. a 12 hr long dope .. which has already left its mark.

735 mins of entertainment, freedom, pain in my right ribs .. and shiny eyes.

JOEY ::

Plot summary : After his friends all go their separate ways, Joey Tribianni leaves New York for Hollywood to pursue his acting career full time. His slutty sister Gina buys him a nice apartment, and he finds a new roommate in his 20-year old nephew Michael (Gina had him when she was 16), who is literally a rocket scientist. Michael's book smarts and Joey's people smarts allow them to help each other out whenever they can, and make them nice companions.

Characters ::

Joey Tribbiani ::

Matt LeBlanc as Joey Tribbiani .I really loved this character. Evn whn he was in friends. The one u will call a cute dumb. A child in a man. But here his role was much much mature .. though the point of laugh was SEX only .. but this series has almost everything .. sensitivity, emotion, humour, sex jokes, dumbness, romance, friendship, brotherhood, love, seriousness, maturiy .. & ofcourse lots of laughter . Great acting by this dude. He seems to be a natural actor.

Alex Garrett ::

Andrea Anders as Alex Garrett . I m in love with this girl. She was amazing. I mean in all terms. Great .. awesome acting ... unending cuteness .. & what not. Now thts wht u call " MY KINDA GIRL ". Seriously , i mean if any of u cudnt figure out frm the last post .. and if ur at all interested t knw abt my kinda gal .. she is it. Smart, beautiful, composed ( not exactly though ), sexy, a little dumb ( jst a pinch ), very sensitive, lovely, innocent, cute , adorable, talented .. jst cant stop. So she's the best character to me.

Gina Tribbiani ::

Drea de Matteo as Gina Tribbiani . She is HOT . Its a character of a mother .. who jst got pregnant too early .. & has a son jst years younger than her. She's a true bitch ( cant help it she's projected that way only ) .. but above all this she's a great sister, mother. And she did full justification to her role.

Michael Tribbiani ::

Paulo Costanzo as Michael Tribbiani . He's a cute boy round the corner .. whos jst trying to move away from her mom .. jst to make his own identity. So he stays with JOEY his uncle. He's a smart guy .. a nerd .. & obviously a geek !! And the best part is .. he's a virgin till the 9 th episode of SEASON 2 . And which is why hes always made fun of.

Its been SEASON 1 - 24 episodes
SEASON 2 - 11 episodes ...

and m waiting for more .. the series is in an interesting phase. Alex likes JOEY a lot .. but as of all dramatic sequences havent been able to convey .. cause JOEY thinks her to be a buddy .. jst a great buddy .. but she loves him a lot .. would they meet ?? Would JOEY see it in her eyes ?? Would JOEY keep on sleeping with different women evry other night ?? Would Alex be happy being jst a buddy ?( I hope to see the gal smile though ) . I wish i were a producer !!

PS :: Apart frm 12 hrs .. u can also count the time it took me to search all the stuff & thn post it here. Do watch it ..

hone wala pyaar

2006-01-22T06:18:00.000-08:00

Firstly, sorry for not updating since long .. but I had nothing to write in particular. Things that happen in my life daily are too obvious to be put down here.
But finally & may be fortunately i got something to ponder upon.

I have been tagged again !! And not by one but by two of them. And thank god they both tagged me wid the same tag. So here's pradyot's & Extremely Insane's tag.

I am supposed to come up with 8 different points of my perfect lover. And its gonna be difficult .. nevr thought about it in particular. So its hard on me. And so wht i write here might not be perfectly what i desire .. cause these things cannot really be described .. u jst feel when things r right. As they say " Love nevr knock's a door .. it just enters .. uninvited " [ comeon u might not have heard of it .. but someone must have said it na ] .

Gender : female [ tht's a stupid thing though to mention .. aint it obvious .. wud i trouble my mind even a sec. to think what kinda guy i want to be with .. was this some kind of test to knw if ur straight or not .. but that was a rule .. so i m bound to write it .. newayz no grudges .. some times r better mentioned thn not ]

1. Innocent : she has to be. Innocence is the key to me .. and having said that by innocence i do not mean that she is an easily made fool . Innocence as in .. a childs innocence . CUTE .. bubbly ..

2. Intelligent : Its not that i want a 9 pointer gal .. actually 9 pointers arent intelligent .. they r nice at mugging though .. but she has to be intelligent in terms of reading my thoughts .. as i m least expressive .. am i not expecting too much ..

3. Music : She ought to love music .. preferably my types of music ( not very strongly though ).

4. Family : I m a family person. To be very practical .. if she cannot respect my parents .. sry i m not in . She should be a family person. hehe tabhi to age achi family banegi na :D

5. party sharty : I m a dancing & party freak .. though m rarely invited .. couldnt have that big a social circle .. and due to an obvious reason .. but if somehow fortunately we get to go to some party .. she has to be more excited than me . In short she shouldnt be boring.

6. Nature : It comes on no. 6 but matters a hell lot. She should be an individual whom i respect. And as they say RESPECT COMES NATURALLY .. so she ought to deserve it. She should be kind, lovely, caring, sweet, friendly. A kinda girl that even lights up the darkness .. ane se uske aye bahar types .. one who fills the atmosphere with hapiness & smile ( not talkin abt a joker yaar ) .

7. Looks : beautiful eyes .. umm the ones that speak a lot ( evryones eyes speak a lot .. but hers should be as talkative as girls themselves r ). no color preferences. nice & sweet smile ..the GOOGLY WOOGLY WOOKHS types .. preferably dimples . medium hairs . and obviously decent looks over all .. who wants aishwarya yaar ( yuuuuk !! cheee kiska naam le liya ... ) .

8. attitude : Jst a pinch of pepper & it makes food look gud. so attitude has to be there .. but jst a little .. jst a little. shud be Humorous .. & witty .

Finally done with it .. but i m not satisfied .. I m pretty sure that i have added some wrng things & missed out on lots. As i said these things cannot be written .. u will feel it when u get the right person .

ANd now as per rule gotta tag 8 ppl .. gaawd thts a huge no.

1. Rohit
2. Milo
3. Sneha
4. Chappat
5. Manjari
6. Luke
7. Rennie
8. Bubbles

The rules of the game:
1. The tagged victim has to come up with 8 different points of their perfect lover.
2. Need to mention the sex of the target.
3. Tag 8 victims to join this game & leave a comment on their comments saying they’ve been tagged.
4. If tagged the 2nd time, there’s no need to post again.

the samurai

2006-01-10T00:22:00.000-08:00

Most things start with a confusion ..

U walk in a city unknown .. with confusion in d mind .. theres fear of gettin lost .. but in such efforts u get to knw evn the lonliest of streets . and it is then tht u can say with great pride " I have been here .. " .

That is how life is. Its a city .. where everyone has been. Yet how many of them can say .. I KNOW THIS CITY .. I KNOW EACH & EVRY STONE OF ITS FOUNDATION .. I HAVE SEEN IT GROWING OLD & MATURE .... I HAVE BEEN A PART OF IT .. DO I KNOW IT ?? [ m not sure is d answer ] .

Thats how life is .. a city unknown. Its not that we dont have explorers capable enough to discover such a capricious place .. we do have such people .. but the city has its angels & deamons who protect it from being discovered. One might have an illusion that he knows the city well .. that between destinations within it, he can find n ways to reach from one destination to the other. He might succeed once, twice or may be even thrice .... but one day he will be lost in this maze. Wondering which way lead to where. And he will end up saying .. this city is haunted .. its been condemned.

Thats how we behave. If we r succesful .. if we get all that we expected & wanted .. if we r (so called) happy .. then one says : ' I LIVED ' .. not knowing tht its all momental .. and that one cannot really live its life to the max. One can only try but one cannot. And on the other hand if we r in pain .. filled with grief .. and arent gettin wht we really expect & demand .. then one says : ' If its life than whts hell ? '

The NATURE around us is assumed to be supportive .. something that helps in our own evolution . But does it really do is. The NATURE is the ruler . Rulers as they always r .. they might support u .. they might inspire u .. they might even help u .. they might nourish u .. but the day they know that ur growing taller than THE RULER .. ur cutt down . The game of power . NO one wants to loose it .. not even the ruler. SO it might seem that nature supports u cause what we really see is the beauty around us .. not those hidden thorns .. which r not actually thorns .. they r AROOWS OF POISON .. aimed right at our a** .. so that the day we try to stand against it .. they are shooted out . Making us all go down .. powerless .. back to the one to be nurtured. We arent suposed to be the nurturer. We r the one to be nurtured. SO its all the nature's ball game. The day it realises that ur too happy than ur supposed to be .. it sets up conditions such that u jst cant exceed the volumes of happiness .. and if u dare .. u r thrown in to the well of darkness .. with lonliness being your only companion.

Its not that one cant be happy .. one can be .. for days .. weeks .. or may be even years .. but he/she cannot be happy his/her whole life. So on an average if ones hapiness quotient is more than the pain quotient .. he/she is said to have lived a HAPPY LIFE .. & vice - versa. And to tell u the truth .. its not in ur hands . It might seem so .. but its not.

But then we r born warriors .. arent we ?? All our life we learn to fight. We learn to face abuses, we learn to face people when all the worlds against us , we learn to protect our values & rituals , we learn to lend a hand to the one in pain , we learn not to give pain , we learn to fight darkness [ for that one might even risk to enter in to it ] . So all our life we learn to fight. The armour may change , the strategies may differ , it might be against different enemies but the BATTLE FIELD remains the same. The battles field is LIFE .

And thts what i mean by saying : theres fear of gettin lost .. but in such efforts u get to knw evn the lonliest of streets.

We might not win the battle ever , no body might win it .. it might continue for centuries & for generations .. but that battle .. that defeat teaches us a lot. Not to get a better armour next time .. rather it teaches us .. how to be at peace even when the battle is on. And i guess that is what made individuals like GAUTAM BUDDHA, VIVEKANANAD & lots more, great. They were warriors who learned how to be at peace even fighting a war. And the struggle continues.

And the more we try .. the more we learn.

SO dont be afraid .. jst try to fight .. jst try to be at peace while fighting .. let ur breath out .. calm down .. take you time .. concentrate & FOCUS ..... there comes a sword .. block the attack .. gud .. concentrate & FOCUS ...

And if u survive .. u will say : " I have been here .. to this place .. to this city "

PS :: Its jst a thought .. only a thought. :D

f.r.i.e.n.d.s

2006-01-04T07:54:00.000-08:00

This one is with reference to the last post !! Well thers this friend of mine whos not into blogging world but is quite benevolent to read my posts & appreciate them when he really likes them. So he liked this about the last post ::

So in all its been a great year . A year where i have realised tht love aint about holding .. its abt lettin go & freedom , friendship aint about being close .. its about being there always .. lending a shoulder be it real or virtual .. showering a smile be it real or an E - Smile .... understandin the other & lettin him understand u ..

Since i dont have anything specific to right about so lemme elaborate a bit.

Wont talk abt love cause people think that i m obsessed with it, which i m not. And moreover even i dont feel like writing about it now .. so why to blame others.

Friendship ----

If i would have been as illitrate as sneha I would have called friendship a rainbow. Yups a rainbow. Its a mix of lots of colors. Red, blue, green, yelllow, orange .. almost all .

Disclaimer :: This ones gonna be hard .. quite hard on me .. i have decided to criticise now .

So friendship is a mix of lotsa colors. Almost every individual knows that friendship means " always being there " but has anyone ever tried to figure out what do we really mean by being there. Are the moments of being there only those moments when one feels BLUE or when ones partying . To me its just one part of it. I mean i have seen so many people yelling out all inside them even in front of strangers [ CHATTING ].. may be cause they know that they wont have to look in to their eyes while talking or may be they have this option of escaping that person in case it doesnt work ,jst bcause for him/her he/she doesnt exist phsically . I have done tht lotsa times [ may be not now .. times change ].

TO me being their is when one really want someone .. when one really wants someone whom they call " F.R.I.E.N.D ". The times when u want someone to trust u & when u can trust him/her. Trust is the crux here. Trust is the crux of friendship . When u can trust someone such that if u yell out things his eyes wont lie , he wont consider it as JST ANOTHER STORY AROUND , he wont make fun of u if its a serious one, he wont yell it out to others as these things r difficult to digest [ The problem of indigestion is not only with girls .. its with boys as well .. seriously ] . Its a risky initiative that one takes .. to trust someone .. the risk is .. Is it too early to trust .. or Is it even worth it .

See :: Friendship is like a play . A play of two characters [ considering two individuals only ]. And a play is successful only if each character plays his/her role to the best of his/her potential . Similarly , friendship is successful only if both individuals trust one another to the best of their ability of trusting.

Now one might say tht one has to jst play his/her part & leave rest to the other. But does it really work in the world of today . If u wish to convert some acquintance to a friendship based on trust .. and u have done evrything u cud possibly do & the other person is unaffected & doesnt respond .. how long will u stay ?? Wud u wait for eternity ?? Do we even have so much time !!

So according to me friendship is a relation which sways on the bridge called trust .. with river of pain running down .. a violent flow. And it swings well & stays there forever if the bridge is well constructed & decently maintained. Strong Winds of misinterpretations might try to turn it upside down .. but as i said if it the bridge is strong .. it doesnt require any other technology to maintain balance. IT will survive on its own. The thing is how strong this bridge cud be.

Disparaging ::

I have this group of 12 friendz (includin me ). great buddies. Share lots of stuff specially FOOD :D . It all started frm d begining .. people went out & joined .. and it was almost final till 2 nd sem . [ Being diplomatic i m supposed to say .. all the batch's my friend .. which is true as well .. but since i have been along with these 11 for max .. so i can dare to comnt only on them ].

" WE R ALWAYS THERE FOR ONE ANOTHER " .. r we ?? sure we r .. but one things lacking .. and its tht god damn trust .. [ HE here means THEY .. all other 11]

lemme elaborate .. see even trust is of 2 types [ may be more ] ..
1. U trust tht he/she wont stab on ur back. He/she wud be the one who will get u an extra sheet of assignment when u have bunked .. and hes ur proxy man. U trust tht he wont leave his examination seat jst to sit next to a better person. U trust tht he would be the one shouting at his peak when ur out there .. on the field .. in a baddy match . But thts quite materialistic & very much expected. The bare minimum .

2. Heres the important one. The one i mentioned in the play exmpl. I trust u .. u trust me. I yell out things .. u arent supposed to be secretive. I tell u some stupid stuff .. u arent supposed to pull my leg .. tht too jst because i pulled ur leg someday .. sometime .... friendship aint about taking a revenge.

[ I apologise for being a ruthless legpuller though .. but nevr intended to hurt neone .. but who knws wht hurts him & wht doesnt .. so i m sry ]

SO its the second one tht lacks.

Example ::

U guys remeber tht nite .. when the power went off . We were in dj's room .. all of us. Pulling one anothers leg .. having a hell lota time . Enjoying every bit of our friendship .. strengthening the bond . Donno but frm somewhere came this idea of telling stories about our past [ BACHPAN SE JAWANI TAK ] . And as a normal guy 2 guy talk is .. it was all about crushes & loves of ur life. As always in lime lite .. i was the choosen one .. the first one .. [ I M QUITE OPEN IN UTTERING THIGS OUT ] . I trusted u all .. each & evryone of u .. [ both kinds of trust ] .. i yelled it all . Told all tht was in here .. things tht even best of my friends outside college might not know . Then it was your turn . NO body spoke. I pin pointed .. took the names .. but none was ready . None spoke . U all maintained ur secrecy. If there was nothing [ which is imposssible ] no one didnt even said ' theres nothin worht telling ' .... rather it was ' ur a fool if u yelled it all .. u shud knw these games' . None has ever been ready. U might say u were shy .. lol .. so any of u have any idea how shy a guy i have been in my school life . It doesnt sound a big deal right ? .. jst another joke .. but only the GOAT knows the pain when its head goes off.
[ expml ends ]

And may be the trust didnt died that day . I m good at forgettin things .. but i do put them at the back of my head .. sweet or bitter memories.

And since then things havent been better. We all have been pals & for sure will be buddies all our lifes. Will recite stories of our friendship to our children & wives. Being a part of each others life .. but still somethings will lack . Well may be bcause they say " NO RELATION IS PERFECT " . or may be i m jst thinking too much .

And the trust factor is dying day by day .. we hug each other .. praise each other .. encourage & motivate each other .. support .. cuddle & cry together. But do we trust one another [ the 2 nd type ] ?? Do we ?? Do I ?? Do U ??

And may be this has lead to some kind of - limiting our trust to 1 or 2 . OR may be if i m not wrong it is me who have both kind of trust on 1 or 2 & i guess many dont even have tht on 1 or 2 . Most of u prefer to be secretive. But then frienship is also not a relation one is to be forced in to. Its ur life .. ur wish !!

Question ::

Is it [TRUST] really required ???? A billion dollar question . The answer is NO . WE have been great friends & will continue to be .. whtever happens under the sun . Evryday .. evrynite . But all we will miss is being called " THE BEST OF FIRNEDS EVER " .. do we care ?? Truly speaking .. I DO !!

SO buddies i know its gonna be hard but still lets infuse some more confidence in one another. Lets enter the sea of trust .. i know its exposed to lotsa storms .. but cant we face them together ??

HEY ..
But whtever happens we will sure be f.r.i.e.n.d.s

PS :: I aint no saint .. and i m not sayin that i m the best & most kind among us all. Rather i m d most ruthless leg pulller ever :D .. the most untrustworthy .. the least caring .. but i m a part of us . And tht does matter. I know i m up for some a** busting stuff . But u cant really figure out how hard the decision of writin this has been . But sometimes u need to dare .. for ur own sake . SO if i jst offended any of u .. MAAAF KAR DE BHAI ;) .. abe saale 2 ghante lag gaye likhte likhte

the sun goes down ... to rise !!

2005-12-29T08:29:00.000-08:00

Time passes & u dont know that it had . Its when u look back to turn the pages of life .. u realise that it was past. And if it was sad & insane .. u kind of laugh .. rather ur happy that u got through it .. but u knw tht they might turn up again.

This friday one more year passes. And everyone around the globe would celebrate [ may be me as well ] . Everyones ready to welcome the year ahead may be with sum grief, may be with love, may be with laughter, may be with ecstacy or may be a death. Who knows ?? But time stops for none !!

2005

1. Well its been a dramatic year for me. At college 4 th & 5 th sem ended as all other previous ones .. nothin new as per academics .. & who even cares . Enjoyed the fests that came, enjoyed the victory & the defeat. Well dont remeber much of the winters ... but i do remeber d summers.

2. May 2005 :: After the end of 4 th sem .. we have this thing called an NGO internship, developing softwares for NGO's & stuff. Went to delhi .. worked in an NGO named IFSHA . This organisation was run by a women .. a women who seemed to have a vision .... and was a great speaker & thinker. Then our website manager shubz as all used to call her was another great lady .. with a nice smile & dedication towards her work. So it was a nice experience to be seriously working for d first time. and lolz got my first salary & gave it all to mom & dad .. sp dont ask for a treat :D .

3. It was then that i started this bloggin thing. And i cannot tell u how good it has been .. it has not only been a place where i can yell out everything .. almost everything .. but its been a place where i managed to find lotsa sweet friends & the journey continues. I mean its really awsome to know these people .. and the way life makes its way .. with people around u .. where u catch up with some of them & celebrate it. Its a sweet feeling.

4. There was a state when i went totally insane .. and the only that i used to write was abt pain & all that creepy stuff. And even i didnt knew why i did that .. was there any pain truly .. or was i pretending to be painful jst to gain some attention .. dont knw it till now.

5. New friends made :: taru, manleen, megha , anand, bubbles, rennie & kavita is d new one . so lots of them . some nice dudes & dudettes.

So in all its been a great year . A year where i have realised tht love aint about holding .. its abt lettin go & freedom , friendship aint about being close .. its about being there always .. lending a shoulder be it real or virtual .. showering a smile be it real or an E - Smile .... understandin the other & lettin him understand u .. its also about writing stupid poems for your friends [ right taru ?? :D ] .

A year when i have relished a kids smile .. another year where i have had infinite crushes [ thts expected of me i guess ] ..... an year where ultimately i termed myself a hopeless romantic [ but the word hopeless aint the crux here ] .. an year after which i might turn out to be greatest dude ever .. an year which has been quite boring and yet full of fun .... an year full of friends .. an abnormal year .

So friends lets welcome the year ahead . lets see where we end up .

PS :: HAppy New Year to all . This night i m off to delhi .. to enjoy .. and may this year bring all hapiness in ur life. May god bless u this year as well :D .

Anuj .

TAgged again !!

2005-12-22T04:29:00.000-08:00

This ones by Anchal . Hav to write a 55 words rhyming story . Now this sounds a bit scary. Hav written some poems [ good or bad donno ] but this ones scary. Its not tht i wont love to do it .. its great but the scary part is d word limit .. if things doesnt work out u dont feel like writing but if its goin good & u feel gud abt wht ur writin then the word limit suks .

Hey anchal , dont blame me now .. i asked u in a comment .. no replies till now [ u see how busy a wella can get .. hehe ] so i m postin it finally breakin the 55 word rule & moreover i managed 2 of them [ when it comes to written crap .. all u can do is to comeup with more of it ;) ]. And why i say this .. cause i m scared of tht DHAMKI there .. GAAA WD !! :D

So here it is :

I . Ahh .. this damn world

They had walked hand in hand
Along the sea, on the sand ...
They were great, very adorable
Lovely & always there for one another ..

They surfed on the waves of passion
Made love .. compassion was there expression
Feelings were all they cared for
which day by day became intense more

They decided to marry & live happily ever after
To face the damn world together ..
But fate as usual was hard
Destiny hadnt allowed a marriage card ..
[ parents against ..
..
.......... listenin this they didnt faint ]

One usual day they went up the hill
Sang to each other JACK & JILL
Passionately kissed one another
Jumped together hand in hand
and lived happily ever after for eternity !!

II . Love - too heavy to sail [ titanic ]

On the deck he saw her
Wearing a coat of fur ..
She was as beautiful as the moon
As if she jst came out of the cocoon

He had never thought of such a strange meeting
He saved her from falling over the railing
still they were strangers
very much the strangers

But the moments swayed them close
And he was in love with ROSE
he showed her the world she always longed for
and it was then that she falled for him more

Even the huge ship couldnt bear such heavy love
and ran in to an iceberg below & above
It was due to sink & go down
As if the SEA wanted that big a crown

They went down together
Hand in hand .. promising to love forever
the lil boy saved her again .. a true lover
they were apart .. but she didnt forget him ever

Thats what love is .. settin the other free
And it is then that one says " YOU R NOT YOU .. YOU R ME "

Now comes d real thing . I m gonna tag five people now .... hahaha [ devil ]

1. DHRUV
2. MANLEEN
3. MEGHA
4. ILLETRATE SNEHA [ she is kiddin .. she knows a hell lot .. hehe ]
5. ROHIT TALWAR

SO get on d job buddy .. and nothin like .. i m not gonna do it .. come on be sporty :D .

i know that i dont know !!

2005-12-16T08:48:00.000-08:00

I so wanna run
Dont know where to
I so wanna hide
Dont know behind what

Somethings calling me
Dont know who it is
Somethings holding me
Dont know how is it managing

I talk to the moon
Cant tell u about what
I face the cool breeze
In the hope to freeze out

I feel hapiness inside
Dont know how i figured it out
I listen to a song continuously
Dont know how i tease my ears

I realise what is love
Dont know if i m sure
I keep thinking about someone
Dont know if it thinks of me

I wish to adore someone
Dont know if it wud adore me the same
I wish to hold someone close
Dont know it wud stay in my arms or run away

I know it ends up in pain
Dont know why I wish for it then
I know pain has its own limits
Dont know what pleasure this pain has

I stand aside
A child .. an angel looks at me in hope
Dont know why i m perplexed
Dont know why i cant extend my hand
Dont know why i m afraid
May be i m engrosed with the feeling of being blessed
Dont know what waits for me
Dont know for what i wait till eternity

I know i m confused
Dont know if i m the solution
Dont know if i m the problem
Dont know .... just dont ..

All i know is that I will be a hopeless romantic
Nothings gonna change
Dont know if its bad or good
Whatever it is .. It is ME !!

PS :: sorry for d last dukhi post

who cares !! huh !!

2005-12-08T05:07:00.000-08:00

The more u say Who cares !! the more u care. Then why the hell does one say tht ?? May be just to let it off his minds table .. just to create that aura of " This things not important to me .. and it hardly matters whtevr the outcome is " .... So that u dont have to suffer in case it doesnt turn out your way .. which is the most probable to happen. And when it doesnt turn out to be your way .. u pretend to be happy .. u see "IT HARDLY MATTERS" .. " I NEVER GAVE A DAMN TO IT " .... bullshit

This goes true max with relationships. U care for a girl .. start liking her .. and thus u develop certain expectations, truly speaking which u shudnt bcause this is a ruthless world .. and no one actually cares for u .. One might ask u : " How r u " .. or ask others : " How is anuj " .. as if they really care .. damn .. whtevr

So u shudnt have expectations .. try to keep it as plain as u can .. but then if u are a desperate hopeless SO CALLED ROMANTIC moron u cannot help it. It happens naturally .. u trust people easily. For them ur an open book .. with ur heart written out at everypage .. a book that everones interested to read at a first go .. but the time it doesnt suite there type of reading .. they put up some kind of bookmarks .. & leave .. leaving the book wrecked .. alone .. and shud the book care .. i guess it cant help it .. its meant to be read .. so it craves for a reader .. and again the same old story.

And even if someone stays for too long .. he will be like a tortoise .. ur an open book .. " KNOWN WELL " .. and u keep trying hard to get something out of the other person .... not because ur inquisitive just because u wish to feel that feeling of sharing .... U feel that when i have trusted u throughout & let u know me all .. why r u afraid to trust me .. and let things out .. but all goes in vain. Possibly thts wht u have to pay to be a hopeless romantic. But ur helpless cause when there was time u nevr tried to master the game of HIDING THINGS .. and now time wont allow u to learn .... so u cant help it .. and lol .. if ur a self maintained idiot then even others cant help it .... so no offences to anyone .. its not ur fault ..

And this mind is such an enemy of ur own thoughts .. U have to jst give it a signal tht things arent fine & u wish to feel A BIT SAD .. and it will setup the things for u .... throwing u out in the oceans of loneliness & sadness when u dont know how to swim & reach a peaceful island .. and all u end up is moving ur feets & hands in desperation to feel the ground .... but ur helpless .. not even drowned .. not even on shore .

How many times does it happen to u that u give up unto understandin life .. and decide with all conviction tht u arent gettin in to that dangerous web again .. but as i said earlier .. ur helpless .. evry moment it pulls u an inch towards itself again .. and with all ur force u cannot move out .. the only way out is to cut the vibe tht connects u & life .... and it is then that u realise that deaths a friend & not a foe :D

I am a little bit of loneliness, a little bit of disregard
Handful of complaints but I can't help the fact
That everybody can see these scars
I am what I want you to want, what I want you to feel
But it's like no matter what I do, I can't convince you
To just believe this is real
So I, let go watching you turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend that I'm not
But I'll be here cause you're all that I've got

I can't feel the way I did before
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
Time won't heal this damage anymore
Don't turn your back on me I won't be ignored

I am, a little bit insecure, a little unconfident
Cuz you don't understand I do what I can
Sometimes I don't make sense
I am, what you never wanna say, but I've never had a doubt
It's like no matter what I do I can't convince you for once just to hear me out
So I, let go watching you turn your back like you always do
You face away and pretend that I'm not
But I'll be here cause you're all that I've got

I can't feel the way I did before
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
Time won't heal this damage anymore
Don't turn your back on me I won't be ignored

Hear me out now
You're gonna listen to me like it or not
Right now, hear me out now
You're gonna listen to me like it or not
Right now

I can't feel the way I did before
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored

I can't feel the way I did before
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
Time won't heal this damage anymore
Don't turn your back on me I won't be ignored
I can't feel
Don't turn your back on me I won't be ignored
Time won't tell
Don't turn your back on me I won't be ignored

---- Faint ( Linkin Park )

PS :: hehe dont be surprised .. i m not a normal human being .. very insane indeed .. and i guess this is expected of me .. and hey nothings happened to me so plz dont confront .. i knw u care .. but who cares :D hehehe .. so remember whtevr happens .. u like me or not .. rather even if u hate me & wish tht i die the moment u read this ... " I LOVE U " .. muaaaaah !!

PS 1 :: sorry with all my hardwork .. i cannot jst hate anyone .. hehe .. yups i m setting things up fpr me here .... but whtevr .. how does it matter to u .. so i cannot hate u .. sp u can be as rude to me as possible & still i wont forget u .. i wont consider u an enemy .. rather ur unluky :D .. and thts ue fault not mine .. so again " CAnt help it ... I love u alll " ;)

sIgNiNg off .. ciao

2005-12-07T08:41:00.000-08:00

You came to me as a nice surprise
You said you liked the way i write
In those days I was down and broken
And You werent different & unshaken

U came out as a phoenix
May be healed .. rising from the ashes
The world wasnt kind anymore
And u decided not to stay with that feeling
The feeling of not being known as oneself

I said I AM A FAN
And I mean it all
Its not because U r a girl
Its because U have touched my life
I know u arent leaving but still it cuts like a knife

You once said you dont forget anyone
Birds fly different destinations
but they dont forget places they dwell in
And so are u .. a bird .. flyin high .. very far away .. but very sweet & beautiful

You once said It aint necessary to meet physically to be friends
Friendship is what u have taught me
Friendship is what i have learned from u
Its not about distances .. its abt shortening them .. the wind is ur messenger

I know U arent gone .. Ur still there
I know U wont forget me .. Cause i wont let u
And for me u will be the same kiddoo !!
Not because ur a girl .. because ur TARU .. the TREE .. the PHOENIX .. the BIRD ..
and because ur my FRIEND !!

PS :::: TARU i didnt like u leaving ur blog .. but I msut respect ur decision .. and i guess thts wht friendship is. Hehehe .. i knw its lots of professor stuff :D .. but chalta hai .. be happy . And hey dont complain wy i wrote this .... this is my space & i can write wht i wish to !!

On the first cold day ..

2005-12-05T09:15:00.000-08:00

For those moments of hapiness
u feel blessed
In those moments of ecstacy
u touch the crest

On the waves of ecitement
U surf
Along the winds of cold mountain
U whisper to ur heart

On the hurricanes of pleasure
u set ur ground
On those lovely music tunes
u move around ....

U shiver with the cold breeze
holding on to oneself tight
But its not oneself whom u feel
its some one hugging ur zeal

Those words of care entice u
U flatter on that simple smile
In Her actions of stupidity
U feel thy charm

U lend ur ears for all those babbles
U dont understand a word yet u dont toggle
U wont say a word to let her talk
On those winters when close she walks

U look in her eyes to read
her desires, love & feelings
she is all u need
for all ur healings

Confused to hold her in arms
Astonished with her charm
U try to make her giggle
It is her whom u tickle !!

U express your Love
U shower all the care
and u utter those words ....

But then ....

Lightning strikes in ur head
U wake up all perplexed
A smile on ur lips
the confusion up ahead

The dream is gone
you are back in to the world ....
the similar world .. the similar world ..

But yet U complete the unsaid ..
For wht .. For wht ?? May be just in cae
Just in case of what ?? .. JUST IN CASE OF LIFE
With those unopened eyes .. though they r bright with hope
With those fractured lips .. though they manage to put up a smile
with cluttered hairs and accompanied by a yawn ..
you utter .. " YOU ARE THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO MY LIFE "

PS :: I wrote this on the first cold day :D . Isnt this great u dont hav any idea whom ur saying this to .. but saying that to the air around u gives a kind of peace .. cause one day the wind will take away that air far far away with it .. close to her ears & whisper .. " YOU ARE THE ... " .. and for a moment she will smile. And not knowing who that she is .. is the fun of the game called LIFE

the need to be disingenuous ??

2005-11-29T05:48:00.000-08:00

Do i need to be disingenuous .... is being manipulative the impression ??

1. U jst went out with somebody .. u come back & people [ ur so called friends ] surround u ..

" Hey wht happened " ..... " how did it went "

Inspite of askin how did u find her ..... or what tht person is like ?? they wud ask u .. "did u managed to touch her somewhere ?? " ..... "any kisses ?? " [ though some mean it .. & some ask it for momental fun .. whtevr ]

" hey hey leave this .. we will inquire it later ....... comeon tell us the whole story .. "
and u knw wth this guy isnt one of those HIDING types ... so he yells it all .

We went there ... did this ... she said tht & i said this ...... and as this is the first meeting nothing really happened .... rather lots of stupidities did ... hehe .. quite normal !! And when hes reciding it all .. right frm the core of his heart assuming tht people standing rite over his head wud understand & may be .... jst understand .... but u knw wht goes over his head .....

hes yelling it all out .. with some shyness .. some blushing cheeks .. and a happy heart .. and they .. the one standing over his head .. make a secret gaze to each other .. and their eyes pointing downwards .. towards tht guy .. saying :: " U see this jack ass .. haha .. yelling it all" .... " another stupid jackass " .. and they knw tht he will be on for an assault some time later if things dont really workout for him !! How pathetic of tht guy :) .. [ lol .. even i m one of those asshole friends .. i aint a saint .. but its bad man .. i need to rethink now .. wont play with anyones feelings .. promise ]

[ this isnt personal .. and this thing wasnt abt how boys think abt girls .. it was abt how people like me can be insensitive at times to others feelings .. and give a damn .. very very bad .... ]

[ nahin dear .... we guys arent tht bad as u girls think we r ..... see we may talk abt it .. but nevr feel like tht .... ab exceptions r alwayz there .... but its in girlz too ..

as saif said in HUM TUM ... " MAIN ACHA ADMI NAHIN HOON " .. but then he had his fingers crossed .. actually u wudnt hav noticed it .. but i saw it ..

so HUM LADKE BURE NAHIN HAIN .. zara NAZARIYA BADAL KAR TO DEKHO .... U WILL LOVE THE HIDDEN PART ;) ]

2. hehe ..... after a long long time .. u find some person [ girl ] u knw .. and u say : " Hey remember me ... kahin bhool to nahin gayin " .. and lol ... no reply ??
and if u wud ask someone ... he wud say ... " Hey she didnt even knew u well .. is she supposed to remeber u ... " .... Ok fine .. agreed .. but then they say .. u cud have said something else ... "something interesting" .. .. hey comeon .... i m what i am .. if i wish to ask it straight & stupid " REMEBER ME " thing .. then thts the way i ask .. sorry if this doesnt work in the common " HOW TO IMPRESS " dictionary .. no regrets for tht ..... i am the way i am .... and i wont be some MANIPULATED SHIT !!

3.Now this ones funny .. suppose .. u fall for a girl .. i knw u dont need to hurry .. u have to give her time to think & understand .... but they say : " If u admit it all .. ur a jackass .. BHAV KHAYEGI .. be mysterious .. " .. again tht stupid thing .. " BE interesting " ........ come on .. get off me !! Wht kind of a process is this to make someone fall for u .. haha .. they call it the road to love .. or some other crap .... R U KIDDIN ME ... and they wud say : " THTS HOW IT GOES BRO " ... LOVE .... i dont give a damn to it then [ hehe jst kiddin :D ]

4. Am i too complicated .. or people have no knowlegde of easy riddles ??

HUH !! This world of perpetual antagonism !!

lol .. how do i knw all this .... hehe ... a hopeless romantic knows it all ;) .

so ANUJ sudhar jao .. be the good mama's son & obey ur dad who says " Dont hurt anyone " ..

CIAO :)

PS : Today my horoscope said : "If you feel it, think it or care about it, it's going to be written all over your face -- so hiding your feelings is entirely out of the question. If you've got something to say to someone, resistance is futile " ..... so i m not to be blamed again :D

isnt it all abt passion ??

2005-11-24T09:56:00.000-08:00

Dean :: U know the greeks didnt write the obituaries .. they only asked one question after a man died ..... Did he have passion ???? .. [frm SERENDIPITY ]

Ur walking alone in the corridor .. and frm tripathi's room came the sound : " Pehla nasha pehla khumar .. naya pyaar hai naya intezaar .. " .... and u jst sway as amir did .. u jumb higher then him .. legs at 45 degrees , the arm trying to touch the ceiling .. u take off the towel frm the rope .... and dance with it .. one step to the left .. and then one to the right .. and u sway & sing .. " pehla nasha pehla khumar ... " ...... aint it passion ?? dont knw .. but whtever it is its nice ..

Its all abt passion. In one or the other way everyones passionate. And when u cross those thin lines of passion .. u enter the so called OBSSESSED terittory.

Dance ::The music plays .. and the feet starts moving .. be it rock n roll .. or a freakish bollywoood song .. or even " TUM TO THEHRE PARDESI " fame songs .. u jst cant stop. There r 2 kinds of people who make the most of their stay on the floor ::
1. the one whos galloped bottles of wine
2. the one whos galloped bottles of passion

And its not abt catchin the rythm [ though in my case it is ] .. but its abt swaying ur body along the music .... u become that leaf which moves along the breeze unaware of the fact tht it wud be lost in the mist .. ur tht passionate leaf ..

Sports :: AHem !! " Mujhe harna pasand nahin, par kya karoon jitna nahin aata " .... but still whether u win or u loose .. atleast u played .. and in those final moments of 14 each [ in a 15 point game ] .. second serve .. the nerves r high .... sweat runnin down ur spine .. He serves .. and with that all hot & passioned arm u give it a smash .. the serve breaks ..the battle half one .. now winning or loosing hardly matters .... u have done wht u wished to do .. U lived up the passion .

Material stuff :: Ya u hav passion for some materialistic stuff .... some for SUTTA .. some for bikes .. spikes .... long hairs .. accesories ... bags .. the list goes on. They just give a feeling of pleasure.And it sounds gud to say : " Hey i m passionate abt X .. jst cant resist it " ..

Love :: love ?? .. love is really capricious .. very unknown indeed. It entices u .. and at the same time lets u down. One point of time u wish to hear slow music .. at a moderate sound .... and then u just wish to blow ur ears out .. with the max they can bear. Its all on a swing .. up & down .. high & low .. excitement & fear. Its pretty real .. and then u realise that it never existed. Is it so independent tht it behaves this way or is it governed by some other force which we have no idea of. I guess ....

Love aint fidel
Love aint fiddle

Love aint fear
Love aint dear

Love aint sane
Love aint pain

Love aint a buddy
Love aint foe

Love aint me
Love aint you

Love aint soft
Love aint strong

Love aint morning
Love aint twilight

Love aint rosy
Love aint bleak

Love aint Love .... Love is a hopeless romantic !! :D

now what shud i say .. u knw wht .. i was searching for an appropriate pic for this post .. and i typed passion .. hehe .... its was all kissing & some stills of sexual pleasure. Now let me clear this Passion isnt all abt Sex. Anuj's theory :

Only passion ---> lust ... so called .. " my god SEEEEEEEEXXXxxxx " .. the taboo word .. come on its not like tht .. sex is not seeeeexxxx .. its a feeling. whatevr ..

Passion + emotion + care + bla bla bla [ :D ] ----> love .
So love isnt all abt passion & similarly passion isnt all abt love & sex. Its some love .. some passion .. all one need is a nice mix ..

Boys & Girls :: now whos more passionate ?? any answers ?? or is there any point of competition ....

as per dictionary ::
Passion :: 1. A powerful emotion
2. Ardent love.
3. Strong sexual desire; lust.
4. The object of such love or desire.
5. Boundless enthusiasm
6. The sufferings of Jesus in the period following the Last Supper

Ur walking alone in the corridor .. and frm tripathi's room came the sound : " Pehla nasha pehla khumar .. naya pyaar hai naya intezaar .. " .... and u jst sway as amir did .. u jumb higher then him .. legs at 45 degrees , the arm trying to touch the ceiling .. u take off the towel frm the rope .... and dance with it .. one step to the left .. and then one to the right .. and u sway & sing .. " pehla nasha pehla khumar ... " ...... aint it passion ?? dont knw .. but whtever it is its nice ..

SO wht do u wish the answer shud be .. when ur out on the other journey .. out of this world .... and people asking ... DID HE/SHE HAVE PASSION ????

Ps :: Focus .... Focus anuj .. Focus !!

a life called ' serendipity '

2005-11-17T09:55:00.001-08:00

In the month of november .. in the darkness of night and under the powerful moon .. a soul took birth . He was send to this sinful earth ... and before accepting this .. he asked for his answers and was confronted by GOD .. and was convinced of his need on mother earth . But still whatever the reasons may be he knew tht being on earth wasnt a good sign for a soul .. cause if once a soul was sent on it .. it was bound to gointo cycles of life, death & acts .... and it wasnt soon that he cud come back to thy place .. the place he earlier used to dwell in.

After experiencing 21 years of life .... the soul looks back .. [ hes named ANUJ ]

To him being sent to earth didnt sounded gud .. and thus he felt unlucky .... but as GOD had conveyed to him .. he took birth in a loveable family. The honest,emotional, loving, caring [ overcaring rather ], educating, understanding and a loveable individual .. his father . He is the man who taught him how to walk .. and not to stumble .. and how to take ground on things that u believe in [ he nevr said tht .. but ANUJ learned this only frm him .. ANUJ dont knw when & how .... but he did ]. Hes the one who infused in him feelings of love & care .... and to be calm in situations of distress .. never to boil .. evn if the temperatures high .. to be as patient as possible .. to give respect and to earn it in greater amounts .... to be disciplined yet a rule breaker .... to be nice & gud to others .. and never expect a return .. to give .. give & only give ... nevr to demand . Now all ANUJ thinks abt is tht has he been successful in implementing all he learned .... though he strives ..

The innocent, lovely, very caring & all giving women .... his mother. ANUJ knows wht phases of life she had faced .... when in her childhood she lost her father .. and with no brother .. and only 3 sisters .. how they all managed to make the ends meet. A women who hadnt seen much of a love at a time when she needed most of it .. one who didnt got the lessons from her father ..... yet she managed to pour so much of intangible LOVE on her children & her hubby .... dont knw how she managed tht ???? She is the one who taught him the lessons of life ... tht lifes not a bed of roses ... but whatever it is .. jst walk on it .. and give ur maximum to it .. it might tease u .. but then ultimately ur the one how has to LIVE it out. A woman who taught her to be sagacious but not shrewd. And ANUJ thinks wud he ever be able to return the amount of love she showered on him ..... but for sure she will always be there in his heart ..

And then those two nice & nerdy brothers. He spent the years of his childhood playing with them ... with lots of fights .. booooom .... baaaang ... and lots of unshown love. And he always tried to discover them as individuals .. and the quest goes on. And ANUJ prays tht he always keep loving them more then himself.

Then one fine day ANUJ came out of that cosset world .. out in to a new world .. a world full of strange yet loveable people. He met his friends .. god had told him abt them .. " they need someone whom they cud play with ... someone with whom they cud share secrets tht arent even known to there mom & dad .. someone with whon they can hangout .. have fun .. someone who is always there for them .. both in odd & even times ....someone who understands tht there mood is not good today yet messes with them .... someone to fight with .. someone on whos shoulder they cud cry .. someone who will be half their life .... THEY will be ur FRIENDZ .... " .. and each word of it was true. They were weird yet he wished to knw them .. and inch by inch he came closer .... some denied him .. and some gave loads of love .. but he knew that was a part of life ..

And even today .. he just keeps on looking for more & more. Its becuase he heard it somewhere : " THE MORE YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE YOU KNOW " .. so he just keeps on going .. in search of more friends .. [ and this BLOG thing was a true serendipity ] .

In 21 years of his life he had seen the world but through his eyes .... he had made others see the world but with there eyes .... but the one was missing who cud see the world THROUGH HIS EYES .... the thing tht he feared in this whole world was this EYE 2 EYE game .... and the one that was yet to be found was the one in whos eyes he cud gaze for days .. and yet not blink. Someone who wud be the world to him .." THE SPECIAL ONE " ....... the one GOD called " THE LOVE OF UR LIFE " .. and this haunted him .... cause he knew that life on earth was wierder then the people who dwelled there .. it cud be gone at any time .. any moment .. or it wud just go on long .. crawling .. a nothing life .. and he feared tht .... cause if by anyhow he was here .. he wished to make the most of it . So he jst wonders .. waiting for a serendipitacious moment ;)

And these 21 years were quite enough to make him realise that it wasnt bad actually .. that it was not abt the needs or anything .. tht it was abt understanding something more imp .. it was abt relations .. abd his idiosyncrasies .. to undertsnd himself .. his soul .. and the LORD .

And after these 21 years .. he knws wht it is .... its ..

A LIFE CALLED ' SERENDIPITY '

PS :: HEy u knw wht these posts dont jst come out of blue .. ya i watched serendipity today .. i had watched it on STAR MOVIES before years back .. but didnt knew tht it was serendipity ... lol .. newyaz the movie is real gud . Now i knw why is it almost everyones favourite.

hopeless romantics

2005-11-15T13:23:00.000-08:00

Its really hard to discover urselves. U knw things that are always there .. but most of the things keep on changing .. and they just surprise u of urself. But its life .. as capricious as it cud be. Got a new name for my blog .. this is probably the 4 th time i have changed it .

HOPELESS ROMANTICS !! Its an outrage i guess .. an alarm to myself .... to adhere to the truth .. to follow the voice thats calling me home [home as in to peace ].. to follow my dreamz .. to strive realising them .. to be besides myself .... to understand thyself .... not to change for anything or anyone .. cause romantics dont change .. hopeful or hopeless whatever.

HOPELESS ROMANTICS !! Its NOT a defeated warrior .. though it had lost the combat .. but its better to run sometimes then face & just vanish .... so in seclusion it plans thy war .... and wont let go .. Its not that " HES BACK" .. its like "HE WAS NEVER GONE !! IT WAS U WHOM HE FOOLED !!". And he isnt defeated cause "The more combats you face the more an assasin you become .. u just wait for the right moment" .

[[ READ THIS ]]
Everything here is imaginary .. but aint this true ?? AT certain times u quit a battle just because u hav got exhausted or probably bored of it !! But its never gone .. its there .. people mock on u for being cowardly .. but u knw tht in the end its TIME tht knows who wud mock whom .. So u ready for d battle ????

Hopeless romantics, here we go again
On a similar road to remain insane
To think, feel and bear the pain
A similar try to discover the life lane

Hopeless romantics, here we go again
Untouched, unlearned and the usual
To strive, fall and let go all in vain
A similar try to discover the love lane

Hopeless romantics, here we go again
Unknown, unheard and the unordinary
To put up a smile & go out
A similar way .... the usual .... the hopeless !!!!!!

PS :: A combat with life & love .. Got the name from one of the EAGLES songs :: " THERES A NEW KID IN TOWN ". So theres nothing intentional about it .. and plzzz people dont form opinions over this haan [ ur free to comment though ] !! lol .. lots of people here think tht i m obssesses with love .. no it intrigues me a lot .. it teases me .... to dare understand it .. as dhruv said ::"TO KNW WHT THE FUSS IT ACTUALLY IS " !!

confused .... in a mood to revolt ..

2005-11-11T12:04:00.000-08:00

Life is always on a swing ... when ur on a high .. ur excited , happy and u just wish tht the moments stop .. though theres a fear .. but theres this pact between FEAR & EXCITEMENT .... one hides the other .. rather most of the times one aides the other .... but when the swing comes down .. the excitement departs .. and u feel tht in the next swing u might fall .. and then fear takes over excitement .. and this fear induces a feeling of pain .. the pain of not touching the heights .... hte pain of fallling .... the pain of growing fear & departing excitement ..

A sloppy figure sitting on the chair .. the thoughts run .. the moods swing .. and its pain tht wins over all excitement & hapiness . U can nevr know when certain things that u dumped times back may turn back on to u .... not in the exact form .... a different look .. but the same perspective.

Understanding thy mind & thy heart .. has always been an arduous task. Apart from dealing them separately wht is most difficult is to understand the relationship the two share .. though it smells the same as that of FEAR & EXCITEMENT .... but here .. its not abt aiding or hiding the other .. its about conspiring. Each one conspires against each. If heart desires something .... the mind conspires to get the desire fulfilled .... and when the mind puts a demand .. the heart does the same . BUt in this doing & supporting the two contradict each other . And in this mutual warfare They create an atmosphere of confusion for the one who adheres to them.

GOD knew that if he was supposed to create soomeone whom he was to give enough powers to take his decisions & act accordingly .. then in order to prove thy superiority .... he was bound to render control not to a songle entity .... cause it wud never lead to difficulties & confusions .... and that was what he wanted him to learn face & fight .... the confusion ....

SO sitting here most of the time of a normal 24 hrs day .... i face this cofusion .. and as a brave warrior i never denied fighting it .. but then its a long battle .. and i aint that powerful to continue fighting endlessly .... and it is this time that one give up .. and surrenders .. though GOD wishes him to continue fighting ... but now tht i have learned by reading this book [ " THE FIFTH MOUNTAIN " by paulo coelho ] thts sometimes u r required to go against thy LORDS will .. and u need to fight GOD .... u dont quit ur deeds .. but u just forget ur past & move ahead .. without an air of confusion around .. against his will .... and against ur own thoughts ....

If untill yesterday I was crazy abt LOVE .. and the secrets tht it held .... it wasnt me who choose it .. it was something i was bound to be crazy abt .. i cudnt have helped it .... nobdy can help it .. whatever happens to u .. ur not accountable for those .... but ur sure accountable for ur deeds .. so all ugot to do is move along tht path .. and at times u may even voilate the path ....take a turn .. ultimately to return to it .. after some rest & some efforts [ though against ] .

SO i m not against love or something .... but i m against the confusion it creates .... the "longing for someone attacks" ..and obviously the pain it gives ... though pain is trustable .. fidle .. but do we really wish for it ?? or do we really have a choice ??

Lay a whisper on my pillow,
Leave the winter on the ground.
I wake up lonely,
There's air of silence in the bedroom
And all around.
Touch me now,
I close my eyes and dream away.

It must have been love
But it's over now.
It must have been good
But I lost it somehow.
It must have been love
But it's over now. [ ROXETTE ]

PS :: THe head was heavy .. the nose was red [ with flu ] .. and the temperature did the rest .. and then read MIRAGE's post .. and it nailed the coffin .. how can GOD be so cruel .. hasnt he got brains to think abt certain thngs & plan them accordingly . neways under these circumstances i m not to be blamed for this post.

Thy Princess - 1

2005-11-09T12:26:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer :: Hey this series is abt the girl who hasnt yet come in my life .. and even if shes entered my life .. its not yet official .. i mean i dont hav a clue abt it yet. I have been madly lookin for her .. cause the earlier i get her .. the more time i will have to knw her & more time to spend with her before death departs us. SO its abt her & the way i feel for her [ lol .. isnt it insane to feel for someone u dont even knw yet .. and even if u knw u dont knw tht for whom it is .....]

I aint a prince .. but then i wish to become the one she has always dreamt of .. the one who comes on a horse .. and teases her emotions ..

She aint got a kingdom .. but for me shes a princess [ though she nevr comes in my dreamz .. not even on a mare ] .... dont knw how she looks .. dont knw how tall she is .. dont knw does she hav long hairs or not .... dont knw a thing abt her .... but she exists .. forsure .. somewhere .. in some kingdom .... all i need to do is find my way .... read my signs .. reach her & make her my queen .

BUt its hard aint it ..... u just try to find LOVE & the LOVE conspires to let u get lost .. and u just end up with nothing but pain . ANd then u think .... she aint there .. then one fine morning u wake up with smile on ur face .. twinkling eyes .. and the first thought in ur heart says ..... shes there .. thts why i smiled today ..

GOd created men, women, this world & hes the one who defined love .. but then GOD too fell in love one day .. [ LOVE never spares anyone .. not even the creator ] .. and then the greed to get tht LOVE made him change some rules .. it made him mad .. and from then no one knws wht actually LOVE is .. when it grips u & when it leaves u with scars all around ur soul .. LOVE is capricious .... and thus each day i fall for thy princess .. and capriciously its stronger & weaker .... but its there ....

ALL i wish to say to u my princess [ read it if ur there ] is this ....

I can show u the world
Shining, shimering, splendid
Tell me princess when did u last let ur heart decide

I can open ur eyes
Take you wonder by wonder
Over sideways and under .. on a magic carpet ride

A whole neeeew woooooorld .....

A dazzling place u nevr knew
But when ur up there its crystal clear
THat now u need a wole new world .... with meeeeee ....

Unbelievable site, indescribabale feelings
Storming, tumbling, revealing through an endless diamond sky
A whole neeeeeeew woooooooorld ....
Dont u dare close ur eyes ....

Let me share this whole new world with u ...
A whole new world thts where we will be ....
The running chase .. a wonderous place .. for..
YOU and ME ....

[ a song frm ALLADIN ]

PS :: its always gud to have these series .... i have this HOME .. and HUM TUM series .. they r fun .. and u do hav something to write when theres nothing on ur mind. ANd i guess people like it as well.

finally i have been tagged !!

2005-11-07T12:16:00.000-08:00

Two gorgeous, bubbly and very mysterious girls tagged me [ hey manleen .. hey megha wht do i get for this praise haan :) ]

I always wanted to get tagged .. but now tht i m trying to write .. things seeem to freeze around me. Its cold out here.

Milo taged me first. SOunds difficult .. 20 things about me .. do i knw myself tht much. Lets try ..

1. Extremely lazy .. i hav always believed in tomorrow [ i hate it though ]

2. A bit particular abt being messy .. things around me could be messy .. but me .. naaaaah .... so i love being neat, clean & a bit sophisticated.

3. Intrigued as usual abt lots of things .... almost everything around me .. wish to knw things tht revolve around me

4. Its music tht drives me .. nevr imagined a world without it .. And dont even wish to imagine. Somehow it completes the missing part of mine.

5. Girls .. i think they r the best creation of GOD .. not becuase they r d opposite sex .. and not because they induce some hormonal feelings .. just because we boys cannot survive without them .. in different roles .. a mom .. a sis .. a mysterious friend .. and as an acquaintance they r a part of our lifes.

6. crazy about english movies .. it wasnt so tht i was born watchin a hollywood boxofice hit .. i started it just years back .. but they hav influenced me a lot. Favourite movie .. SWEET NOVEMBER .

7. When i look down upon my life .. it seems to be a bit pathetic .. but it was cool in its own way .. as i have grown i have learned a lot .. grown as an individual .... and have made some very loveable friends

8. I m a bit fashionable. NOt at those dayz when mom used to stuff me up into wollen sweaters & all . BUt now tht i no more adore them .. i have become a bit fashionable .. and i just hate it when they say FASHION IS ALL ABT BEING COMFORTABLE IN WHAT U WEAR .... thts bullshit ..

9. love my mom .. papa .. and the two [very humorous & interesting ] brothers. Family is what i cannot part frm. The most important part of my life.

10. Learned to waste time .. and yes hav mastered it .. more than dhruv .. and anybdy else in my wing. ORKUT has been developed for people like me only ;)

11. Love to listen to others .. specially there problems .... since last 1 year i have come across some very interesting people have heard there problems & tried to provide a solution .. though i havent ever found solutions to mine

12. At times i can be very pathetic .... specially when i m sad & pain takes over me.

13. Easily influenced by others [ BAD i knw it .. but hey i m learning ]. ANd i do trust people very easily. So i m kindof an open book to most of my friends.

14. Though quite open .. yet i m very shy .. if i dont knw u .. never expect tht i will approach u first .. sorry thts not gonna happen.

15. love babies . Those young & mishievious kids & their very innocent acts .... though they can be headache at times .. but its worth it.

16. My friends r my life .. they make my life move swiftly & with fun .. cant imagine a life without family & friends.

17. Always in search of tht special one. I have always believed tht GOD has made a special one for every individual .. all he forgot was to make it sure tht the two meet. SO only some lucky people manage to find her .. and knowing tht i m not tht like .. all i can do is search. Hope i find her shortly & quickly.

18. love this blog stuff. THe only creative stuff in life.

19. I m crazy abt travelling [ though havent been to many places ] .. but wish to see most parts of d world. THings r beautiful out there.

20. ANd finally i am a dancing freak. Once on the dance floor .. my feets dont stop till they throw me out .. so anyone throwing a party do keep me in mind.

PHEW .... there r things tht seem simple but turn out to be noncracking nuts ..

ANd now for Mirage ....

I. 7 things i want to do before i die:
1. live !!
2. write a book
3. be a bit knowledgeable
4. hear : " I love u " from a girl
5. find the right girl ..MArry .. have children .. and fun ofcourse
6. learn photography
7. visit lots of places on mother earth

II. 7 things i can do:

1. talk .. talk .. talk .. whtelse do u need
2. dance...quite a sort of!
3. waste time .. almost all of it
4. think [ not sure actually ]
5. eat .. most of the gud things
6. love .. just try & u wont be dissapointed
7. trust u .. thts the best i can do .. its up to u .. ditch me or not ..ur choice

III. 7 things i say the most:

1. u knw what ..
2. bullshit
3. pagal hai kya
4. hmmmmmmmmm
6. Shit !!!!!
7. kya yaar !! [ in a dull & pathetic way ]

IV. 7 things i cant do:

1. Study !!
2. be someone i'm not
3. stop eating .. loving people around
4. live without music
5. have dirty feet [ uggggggghhhhhhh get off me ]
6. cant make conversation gor long long ours .. i nevr understood why dont people talk sensible alwayz
7. cant look eye to eye [ i m learning though ]

V. 7 things that attract me to the opposite sex:

1. innocent face
2. eyes
3. hairs
4. honesty
5. confidence
6. voice
7. how dumb she is [ lol ]

VI. 7 Celebrity crushes: [ hey i read it wrong ... so chnges r there ]

1. kate winslet [ very beautiful ]
2. Tom Cruise [ hes worth it ]
3. Keanu Reeves [ its all bcause of sweet nov .... so let it be .. CHARLIZE THERON]
4. Abhishek Bachhan & hrithik roshan [ MANDI MOORE ]
5./* ricky martin [ ofcourse not for his songs ] */ [ avril lavigne ]
6. natasha [ cute face ]
7. Ganesh Hegde - 'G' [ dancing sensation ] ..... [ kareeena kapoor .. all bcause of KYUN KI .. she looked gorgeous ]

VII. 7 people i want to tag:
1. johney
2. shveta [luke ]
3. Triple six
4. taru [phoenix]
5. anand
6. rennie
7. xtremely_insane

finally done with it. hmm good .. wasnt it ??

It was this day ....

2005-11-06T12:28:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time ....

THere was a soul .. a happy go creature .. nice & jolly .. a happening dude [ even souls have these days salutations .. they adapt u see ] .. happy with the place he dwelled in .. all & everything was fine there .... the people .. the resources .. evrything was just perfect. Then one fine day he was called by GOD . He wished to meet him .... wanted to thank him for whtevr he received frm him .

He went to meet him .... when he was there ... he heard a voice [ GOD is invisible to souls as well ] .. it called

GOD :: " MY dear son .. u no more belong to the place u dwelled in .. now u will have to move .. i wish u to go to mother earth "

SOUL :: " [ all startled .. no more thankful ]MY lord wht wrong have i done. I m happy with whatever i have got .. u have been kind to me .. plz dont send me to tht sinful place .. "

GOD :: " MY son .. u havent done anything .. whatever i have created is all moveable .. nothigs stagnant .. and so isnt ur life .. so u will have to move .. to tht place though sinful .... its when u travel tht road u realise tht u arent meant to be far frm me .. ur a part of me .. and then when u suffer .. when u encounter pain .. u wish to come back to me .... "

SOUL :: " DEar lord i abide by ur decisions .. but my lord guide me .. tell me the reasons of my being there .. guide me lord .. show me the way .. "

ANd then GOD explained .....

GOD :: " My dear son .. there is a women out there who has lots of love to give & lots of care to render .. tht women needs someone whom she can shelter in her own body .. give it life .. she wants someone whom she cud shower immense love on .. tht she carries in her heart .... someone who wud be her pride .. someone who wud hide his mischiefs .... someone whom she wud protect .. whom she wud teach how to pray & give love ..someone whos handmade food u wont resist .. someone for whom she wud be the most beautiful women in the universe .... SHe will be ur MOTHER .. "

SOUL :: " Yes my lord "

GOD :: " Dear son theres a man out there .. he will be the source of ur existence .. he wants someone who will be his image .. he has lived his youth .. now he wants someone with whom he cud play .. someone who wud learn to walk holding his finger .. someone who wud realise the dreams tht he had but he cudnt fulfill ... someone who wud carry forth the honour & respect tht he had earned .... someone whom he wont hug .. but his eyes wud say it all ... someone who wud argue with him but with all due respect .. someone who wud grow taller than him .... someone who wud be his SON ... U will call him FATHER ... "

GOD :: " There r souls out there ... who r of the same age as u are [ yes souls do have ages .. i mean they live forever .. but theres this younger & elder stuff wrt there arrival on mother earth ] .. some younger & some elder .... they need someone whom they cud play with ... someone with whom they cud share secrets tht arent even known to there mom & dad .. someone with whon they can hangout .. have fun .. someone who is always there for them .. both in odd & even times ....someone who understands tht there mood is not good today yet messes with them .... someone to fight with .. someone on whos shoulder they cud cry .. someone who will be half their life .... THEY will be ur FRIENDZ .... "

SOUL :: " yes my lord "

GOD :: " Dear son theres a soul .. which resides in a girls body .... she wants someone who takes care of her more then her mother .. someone as handsome & respectable as her father .... someone more adorable then her DOGGY .. someone with whom she cud spend hrs yet not knw of time .... someone who wud adore her all her life .... someone who cud look in to her eyes & not blink .. someone whom she cud trust more then herself .... someone who is the dream of her life .. the same person she used to drean abt during childhood .... the price charming on tht black horse .. someone who wud run his fingers through her hair .... someone who wud nevr make her cry .. someone who wud dry her tears .. someone who when gives her tears follows it with a kiss .... someone who make her close her eyes and gives her a surprise hug .. someone who wont ditch her ever .... someone with whos eyes she wud see the world .. someone who wud be the world for her .. someone she cud hug .. she wont feel cold in the warmth of his arms .... someone who wud make her giggle .. someone for whom she is the most beautiful women in the universe after his mother .... someone who wud always forget to bring her chocolates .... someone whos her best friend & soulmate .. someone whos the best gift of her life ..send by ME [ GOD ] only for her .... someone who wud be her life .. THE SPECIAL ONE .... someone very special .... SHE will be the LOVE OF UR LIFE .. "

SOUL :: " Oh my lord "

GOD :: " There r people who want someone whom they can give the knowledge they have .. sometimes they wud be weird & total headache .. but truly they arent tht bad [ though they arent tht good as well ] .. they will make u learn .. they will be ur TEACHERS ... "

GOD :: " SO many people need u there .. for all these deeds .. arent these reasons fair enough .. "

SOUL :: " My lord i respect ur decisions [ DO I HAVE A CHOICE !! ] .. but we have similar people out here as well [ souls do have g.f 's in heaven as well .. lol .. theres no place where these girls cant reach ] ... so whts the need to go on tht sinful place ?? "

GOD :: " My dear son .. u do have the similar kind of people here .. but the relations here r not the same .. everything here seems to be nice & fine .. but there it wont be .. u will be wacked by ur mom .. but theres a hidden love & lesson behind it .... ur father wont agree with u on most of the things .. but thts becuase he wishes u to be on the right path .. he wont let u fall anytime .. ur friends .. u will have the worst of fights with them .. u might not talk for dayz .. but if anyone dared hit u .. hes is ON for a slaughter .. ur friend wont let him go before hes killed .. he wud hug u when ur in tears .. and make u laugh with his PJs ..... and sometimes everyone wont be a friend .. people will ditch u .. then u will learn tht they r the same souls but at a sinful place .. and thus they have turned ..... so u will learn .. evry moment .. every hug .. evry whack .. every ditch will teach u a lesson ....... and my son i wish u to learn ...... it wud be pain & love at the same time .... but u will learn ..... "

SOUL :: " Ok my lord .. i wish to experience .. give me ur blessings & let me face the world .. but this is the first & last time ... "

GOD :: " ya go & have fun .....and hey .. Ur name will be ANUJ .... "

PS :: I just kept on writing and the day when i was born passed ... but as i was abt to complete it .. the power went off & the UPS ditched me .. no wonders i learned a lesson .. i managed to save it .. but when power resumed there wasnt a thing ... bullshit technology .... neways renny encouraged me to write it again .... finally i did ....... but as u knw things tht r written first r original and D BEST ... neways ... i m 21 .. sounds old .. and i do hate it .. i wish the time to stop .. i wish i m 19 .. alwyzz ... why to wish for things tht wont happen ever .. so .. HAPPY BDAY TO ME ...lov u all ;)

home 2

2005-11-05T02:35:00.000-08:00

It wasnt long enough since i came back from home .. and i headed again for it. And guess wht .. i took a pretty wierd route to reach home .. sometimes it better to see India .. then go straight with those boring train journeys. So reached FIROZABAD via bus [ frstly reached AGRA .. had a nice pizza at PIZZA HUT .. rang the bell in happy mood ]. Then caught the train frm there. Well i always look for some interesting things during these journeys. And i m hardly disappointed .. rather my eyes manage to find some or the other interesting stuff.

ONE FLASH GIRL ::

So there it was this time as well. To an angle of 45 degrees approx. was sitting a MUSLIM girl .. somewht cute .. somewht innocent. And then ofcourse started those EYE games .. looking .. then pretending to be not looking .. sometimes gazing .. sometimes the eyes smiled .. and sometimes amazed. And u already knw how bad i m at all this. ANd to my utter happiness she landed up at kanpur only .... but nevr saw her after tht. May be wont see her ever.

But there r sme faces u see in ur life .. they r there in front of for hrs only .. but the memories r long lasting. And i do have enough sapce in my innocent heart for some cute innocent aquaintances.

LYCRA MTV STYLE AWARDS ::

TV is the best buddy at home. I donno why my 2 bros arent in to watching english movies .. and they make my survival as a "NON BORING GEEK" difficult. umm for me TV is all abt MTV, Channel V, Star Movies, HBO, Star World .... nothing else [ a bit of laughter champions though ].

So it was Lycra MTV style awards .. a blend of fashion and music . One of the satisfying organised events i have watched. Well i do have an inclination towards fashion these days .. Though the kind of clothes they wear during these shows cudnt be weared .. so wht .. the show was fun .. with .. Bombay rockers .. the Swamis .. & lots more.

ANd at the end they had a WILD party ....i have always wished to be a part of such wild parties [ ya i m a dancing freak .. anybdy inviting ?? ] but nevr managed to be a part of any of them.

MTV KYA BAAT HAI ::

hmm a nice show. Very nice indeed. Discussing some very untouched social topics .. takes notes frm both the youth & the grownups . Last they were discussing on HOMOSEXUALITY ... and there was one girl .. seemed somewht disturbed .. saying : " Homosexuality is a sin .. and the bible says so " [ she was frm DELHI i guess ] .... then one other girl from bangalore said :: " Lady i think u have a problem .. so go and get LAID [ oooooooopsss ] .. and i have read my bible .. it does mention abt homosexuality .. chap. 22 " ....

I was kind of fun tht argument ... and hey i m not writing this so to defend homosexuality or something .. its a general comment.

AGENT LOVE ::

Two girls gave some nice tips on kissing ;)

GARAM MASALA ::

Again one of those trying to make people laugh by doing all sorts of controversial comedy .. gud .. but bad as well. Akshay at its prime ... i mean hes meant for those mishievious roles na ..... lol .. john .. superb overacting .. he aint a comic guy [ sorry if i hurt someone .. i knw MEGHA's a fan .. but admit it .. hes not gud at comedy man .. all i love abt JOHN is his VOICE .. and the CUTE DIMPLE SMILE ] .

KYUN KI .. [ i dont knw whos fate is it .. mine of there ] ::

Nice but obnoxious at times. Umm i nevr understood wht were they trying to show. Salman dies in the end [ ha ha ha i ruined someones movie haan .... ]. The songs r obviously gud. Kareena liked after a million years .. wud continue hating her soon ..

well thts it i guess .... did few more things. Though it wasnt boring as was dusshera .. but yet u knw this freaky mind demands fun every second .. and the heart conspires .. and thus i feel a bit of boredom.

SO happy diwali friendz.

Light up my thoughts & my dreams
Let the mind think & the heart conspire
GOd .. show me the way ....
take me to LOVE ...

PS :: gone crazy for 'G' - Ganesh Hegde .. the songs so so .... but wht a superb dance man. DAncing sensation na. THe last 2 lines r frm BRIDE & PREJUDICE .. wasnt tht bad a movie .. is it ??

hum tum - 2

2005-10-26T10:52:00.000-07:00

Hey u must have read huM tuM . Well that might have sounded creepy and stupid .. but i loved doing it. So Its time for part 2. ANd this is the time .... hum tum ke beech PYAAR badhane ka .... so wht even this post might sound stupid .. but aint the so called " LOVE - PYAAR " supid and creepy.

So here we have very insane HUM ... and not so sane TUM ..

hum :: (whistling) ... Ladki kyun na jane kyun ... hmmm
tum :: tum hamesha bas ye gana hi kyun gate rehte ho. Kya tumhe ladkiyon se itni nafrat hai. Kya tum mujhse bhi itni nafrat karte ho ?? bolo bolo .. tell tell ...
hum :: ladkiyan .. aur nafrat .. no way .. they r so loveable .... main kya koi bhi unse nafrat nahin kar sakta ... [ tht naughty SAIF smile ]
tum :: sacchi ?? tum sach bol rahe ho na
hum :: hahaha .. maine aaj tak sach bola hai jo aaj boloonga .. hahaha tum bhi poori buddhu ho .. are tum sari ladkiya hi buddhu hoti ho .. bas kuch impressive bola nahin .. and bas blush karne lag jati ho .. DUMBO !!
tum :: huh !! Shut up .. [ tries to ignore ]
hum :: hahahaha look at ur face .... hahahaha ....
tum :: jyada smart mat bano ok .... agar hum ladkiyan na hoti to tum ladke kisske samne rote .. kisse apni baatein share karte .. jab bhi koi problm hoti hai .... chale ate to face latka kar .... itni hi nafrat karte ho .. to why do u approach me evrytime
hum :: are mitr .. tum to naraaz ho gayi. Aur haan i m a boy .. we never cry okk [ fingers crossed ] .. aur i approach u cause tu to meri dost hai na ...
tum :: bas bas jane do .. kab tak main ye sab karti rahongi .. main tang aa chuki hoon is dosti se .. jab ladkiyan ghumani aur patani ho ... to meri yaad ati hai .. kya milta hai tumhe inn " HIP HOP " ladkiyon se haan .... restaurants ka lamba chauda bill .. gifts ki list ... and dher sare nakhre .. ab main bhi baat nahin karoongi .... agli bar ana to 500 rs le ke ana ... i m opening a consultancy firm [ huh attitude ]
hum :: hey kya hua mitr .... why r u reacting like this .. mujhe kuch jalne ki boo aa rahi hai ....
tum :: jaloon aur main .... amin kyun jalne lagi .. tum chahe jo bhi karo .... aur ghumo .. khub money barbad karo .. smoke & drnk with them .. mujhe kya farak padta hai ....
hum :: hey come on yaar .. u knw na .. main to un ladkiyon ko bahv hi nahin deta .. vo to vo hi mere peeche padi rehti hain .. ab dekho na .. yesterday rashmi ne mujhe khud phone kiya .. and we r goin on a dte tonight [ again tht naughty smile ]
tum :: uuuu.... how mean of u .... kal tune hi mujhse rashmi ko phone karvaya tha na .. u knw i said almost 15 lies to her .... ur spoiling all good deeds tht i do .. and uske baad bhi u call me DUMBO .... dont even listen to me .... no chocolates for me ... bahut gande ho tum ....
hum :: are to usme kya galat hai .... whts wrong in calling a dumbo a dumbo dear .... face the truth dudette .... [ laughs ]
tum :: acha .... u come next time ... tab batati hoon ..
hum :: hey come on ... acha theek hai .. i wont go with all those girls .... wont tease u [ fingers crossed ] ... hey ... ek kam karte hain na ..... wud u go on a date with me ...
tum :: hahahaha .. mujhe kya kisi pagal doggy ne kata hai .. date .. and with u .... u knw na .. i dont like dates ..
hum :: hey thts not fare haan .... tu mujhe kisi aur ke saath bhi nahi jane deti .. and khud bhi nahin chalti .... whts with u haan [ frowns a bit .. an overreaction ]
tum :: [ a tear runs down the cheek ] tum nahin samjhoge .. tum sab ek jaise ho .... [ leaves ]
hum :: are wht the heck yaar .... sun na ... sun to ...

And they move out in opposite directions. tum reaches her home .. and tht typical filmi drama [ though serious ] .. she runs .. and falls on her bed .. catching the pillow ... and trying to submerge in it .. trying to hide .. all in tears .. the felings erupted today ...

Hum reaches his friends place as usual [ home is not one of the places where he dwells ] .. for him it was usual .. but today it was quite different .. the one person who used to give him tissue papers during those SENTI + MENTAL movies .. had cuased a tear to his eyes. He wasnt able to figure out a way. He had never thought abt her tht way .... or had he but never tried to put it to picture .... [ fingers crossed ]

And all he manages to say is :: " Main kehta tha na .... ek ladka ladki kabhi DOST nahin ho sakte [ a frown ]" ....

TO be continued for sure ....... [ ye ek lambi kahani hai ]

PS :: hey hey i knw ... there was no pyaar vyaar in this .. but it has started .... TUM has had enough of him .. and HUM is all confused right now .. and as was said in the movie " KAL HO NA HO " .... now he will run afte the girl to knw tht why is he confused .. [ i knw thoda ulta ho gaya .. par kabhi ladkiyon ko bhi to confess karne do na yaar ] . aur haan again it wasnt any of my personal experiences .. lol .. if it wud have happened i wud have been a happier lad .... its all a mind game ... and next one wud be total heart game ;)

someone very very SPECIAL !!

2005-10-25T13:05:00.000-07:00

A baby asked God, "They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?"

"Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you."

The child further inquired, "But tell me, here in heaven I don't have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy."

God said, "Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you. And you will feel your angel's love and be very happy."

Again the child asked, "And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me if I don't know the language?"

God said, "Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak."

"And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?"

God said, "Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how to pray."

"Who will protect me?"

God said, "Your angel will defend you even if it means risking it's life."

"But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore."

God said, "Your angel will always talk to you about Me and will teach you the way to come back to Me, even though I will always be next to you."

At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from Earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, "God, if I am to leave now, please tell me my angel's name."

"You will simply call her, 'Mom.'"

Love u mummy ....[ One of my friends says the best word to use is MAA .. but does the name really matter here ].

Ps ::: Other than the last line .. others r TAPAU from some place .... but its the last line tht means a lot & is imp. Hey and this blog does deserve such kind of nice stuff .. so posted it here .

sweet November

2005-10-23T08:26:00.000-07:00

23 rd october .... Novembers approaching .. and so is something else !!

Since last 2 days .. watched the movie Sweet November 3 times almost in a row .... i mean 3 times completely .... ummm listened to its songs ..hundreds of time .. watched those SENTI + MENTAL scenes [ actually they r called loVe scenes ] again 100 times .... and for the first time it wasnt boring .. rather i wanted to watch it again & again [ though it caused a headache .. u know wht let me give u a tip :::: " Nevr watch those SENTI + MENTAL scenes again & again .. cause it wud stuff ur head with such intense feelings .. the ones you can hardly handle .. and u end up with a FEELINGS FETCHED headache" ... and it hurts ... and no balms or sprays work ].

Well i wont tell u the story .. its a nice movie .. so if u can get the movie [ i guess even buying a 200 rs dvd is worth enough ] .. just get it & watch it .. i dont want to RUIN it by telling u the story. Well most of u .. who wud have watched it wud argue tht whts the big deal ..... its another sad love story ... nothing new .... whtever senor .. its me .. i like it . But one things clear :: My god these women r damn crazy abt these DISH WASHERS .... uuughhhhh ...

hmm so novembers coming .... and i know it wud be equally sweeter .. it has alwayz been .. theres something special abt it [ u get a chocolate for guessing ;)]. I feel something new is entering into my life .... going through a change ... dont know whether its positive or not. And it wud be illuminated by candles & deepaks .. and celebrated with a BLAST !!

Ahhhh November ...

The cool breeze touches u to ur bones .... and u try to hold ur body tight into ur own arms .. giving warmth ..try to be as compact & fitting as possible. A season during which even skinny people look all puffed up. Stylish jackets .. flashy scrafs .. itching wool sweaters [ uuuuggghhhhh ] .. tht u can barely see anybodies skin. The mornings when its horrible to get out of the blankets ...gosh u hate all classes & profs at all those mornings [u hate them newayzzz ] . The season of "save water" plans !!
Dayzz when u wish to dig ur palms deeeeep in to ur pockets .. when u rub ur hands as if u have just spotted a tasty dish !!

Sweet november ....

The nights r lonnnng and the dayzz short .. The trees r wet in the morning ..with the games of passion the night played with them .... the flowers capriciously fresh with dew ..as if they cried all night .....even the birds wake up late ..as if they had a night out ....the sun blazing beautifully ..as if its the only source of warmth & light...... the grass is all wet & glowing ..as if it had put a hair gel ...... the air breathes .. with the fragrance of fog & chill ......the woods r prone to fire ..as if they knew they were meant to get burned ...... the roads r scantily crowded .. as if few of them strolling around were chucked from the sky ......the moon throws a smile from behind the clouds .. as if it was shy ...... when ur lips r screwed .. as if the season denied any kissing ......when people with high levels of attitude step on the mother earth .. as if scorpions were the best lot ......when things r rarely visible .. as if they were planning to hide since last season ......times when I wish to hang out ..as if i love to get freeze .....a season which lets the feeling of walking hand in hand grow stronger !!

Ahhhh ... this SWEET NOVEMBER .

my own ?

2005-10-21T03:45:00.000-07:00

From dimmed lights of passion came a hand .... rolled the nob towards left .... water came running from the shower .. a free fall .. mildly warm it ran all over thy body .. all wet he stood underneath .. THE filth had been washed .. but wont it return ?? The body shivers .. the cool breeze trying to dismantle his thougths .. but they are untouched .. unwashed .. as if the stream of falling h20 over his head made him focus. And he continued thinking .... washed yet he was there .. wishing to get drowned. The same thoughts ..which when came crippled his mind .. the moment they came he became a WALKING CORPSE !!
They were haunting but they were his own .. so HE never denied there occurence. And all he wished at tht time was an escape .. not from his thoughts but from HIMSELF. He tried to run .. from them .. from himself .. and whever he tried .. they never even tried to follow him .. it was HE again who turned back to them ... cause they were his own .

The nob turned to the right. The h20 stream faded in to droplets .. the sound of running water died down to falling droplets ...Peace .. rather a deafening silence.

dayzzz passed .......

A cheerful looking dude .. normally dressed .. stands by the window of his room [ its the HOSTEL ] .. the window acquipped with two glass panes .. and one meshed wire pane. The closed window gave an odd look. At one side theres the crystal clear GLASS .. and the other side theres the mesh of pretty thin & scantily rusted wires. quite a contrast.

He gazed down the window .. at the BADMINTON court .. looking at people playing . How happy they seemed to be. Anytime anyone manages a powerful smash or a wicked drop .... theres that faint smile of confidence. The faces glowing with pleasure and the acts stuffed with excitement. But aint this momental ?? Would they be happy when they r out of that arena of smashes and drops. Would they be the same " powerful smashing & delicate dropping " dudes .... wont they be weak .. wont they be sensitive .. wont they wish to cry .. wont the excitement faint ??

Standing on the window he analysed them .. once through the glass pane ... and once through the complicated mesh .. and the same individuals seemed different. Both simple and comlicated. And so were his thoughts simple but complicated. They were simple to think but complicated to believe. But he never shoowed them off ... cause they were his own.

The " very FLASHY " halogens turned off ... the light fading slowly .. slowly in to darkness. And he was alone again. It was darkness outside .... and there wasnt any illumination inside either.

Again there was a slience. A mocking one. He laughed .. laughed .. laughed .... and a salty drop of H2O ran down his cheek. But he never regreted it .. cause it were his own.

And he perished in to the darkness of night. The other day he was the same individual .. "The happy go .. faked smile" ..

Days come and disappear in to darkness ... we dwell in the nights .. but the first ray of light steals it from us. We cherish things but dont really achieve them .. we regret things but they cant be escaped. But yet they r our own. They r a part of our " On the edge of darkness & light " life. They are part of an individuals 60 years [ on an average ]of experience of pain, hapiness, love, hatred , of being ditched and of ditching others. All revolve around him. They r all his own.

So, to CUT THE CRAP i wud say :::: The love tht i missed, the pain tht i gave others & got equal returns .... the simple but complicated thoughts .. the smile & the tears .... the long dirty hairs .. the boring & sultry days .. the lonliness & state of being confused and unanswerable ... the unachieved goals .. the newly planned aspirations & aims .... the capricious fate and a fickle mind ..... they r all my own. And wht to say .... i dont know whether i deserved them all or not .. or whether i deserved better is not the question here ....

the question here is ::
Why was I the one chosen to own all these .. & ONLY these ??

Its a human nature to condemn thyself. And i do condemn ... [ though at times i feel i m lucky ]

The alchemist says :: " one is loved because one is loved " .... i guess its the same here .... anuj says :: " one owns wht he owns because he owns it" .... theres no question of deserving things here. Because if in anyway it was the question of deserving .. it shud have been calculated on the basis of present life deeds [ i do believe in more than one life ] ... but they say : " whatever happens with us is already planned & written somewhere [ lol ... wht a database ]" .... so its all abt allocation .. which is done way before u even understand how to breathe. So u dont have a choice .... u can just add on .

whatever ..... the crux is .. I never wanted my life the way it is today [ obviously demanding idealism .. aint i human ? ]. I wanted a lot .. but got nothing [ nothing means NOTHING ]. And the story continues .... not happy .. not happy ..

I never understood why do we humans love to choose pain .... when we do have better options .. or DO WE HAVE BETTER OPTIONS ? Aint pain the best option to dwell ur life in .... cause its stagnant .. and wont leave u ever .. its fidle .. assuring tht it wont ditch u . So i dont regret this pain .... cause its mine ..cause i own it .. rather I have CHOOSEN it !!

PS 1 ## The more you know .. you know how little you know !!

PS 2 ## Ek aur asafal prayas kuch likhne ka ... but then they say : " try try again .. until crap is stated a CRIME under the LAW . So i will keep trying to come up with better craps ;)

eye 2 eye

2005-10-14T12:05:00.000-07:00

eye 2 eye , i guess this the worst & may be the toughest test ever designed. Cause all it tests is the dignity of ur own self. Its too difficult to look right down in to those 2 demanding & all enquiring .... desperately staring & closely observing .. yet very beautiful eyes.

Well to clear it all before i proceed .. it aint the eyes of my beloved .. its quite general .... well personally i think most of us have beautiful eyes .. cause they r the one which talk no bullshit .. reflect the truth .. and bare it all .... and those - the one which show maximum possible conviction. As they say :: "Eyes dont LIE " [ i mean someone wud have said it .. and if not someone .. then be it me :)].

Well the very moment i have a manipulated talk .. right there at the doorsteps of my tongue .. to be delivered as luceratively as possible .. to refect conviction .. my eyes always fail me. I mean even if its a boy .... i dare not look in to thy eyes. And u know wht its always easier to overlook.
Well to tell u the truth .. the friends [ GIRLS ] i have recently [ since an year ] been with .. always complain to me tht i overlook .... but truly i cannot gaze in to any of those eyes with all the conviction inside me ..... well its not because i dont respect them as a friend .. I DO [ and ofcourse with all conviction ].... its just tht i havent been good to them. And with not doing this gazing stuff i guess the story continues.

As a part of my life i love to observe people. And one particular thing tht i have noticed abt girls is tht they try to peep in to ur eyes .... as if they knw the secret path to ur heart & ur thoughts. They have been blessed with tht austere quality of reading ones eyes [ Being a boy i dont knw .... wht boys r blessed with .. if anyone knws plzz do let me knw through a comment ].

But whenevr i m out ... out as in .. for bird watching .. u knw wht this word sucks .. i guess beauty watching is much better & perfectly suiting ..... so whenevr i go out in town for beauty watching i always try to peep in to those eyes .... i dont knw wht do i search for .. but it gives me a kind of peace inside .. and its heavenly if u receive a sweet smile [ cause tht means tht the conviction in my eyes hav been approved ] .... and its hell if one frowns [ its rare though .. but i guess there the problms with the individual himself .. i m not to be blamed ].

And i always wonder wht shud one do when trapped in such kind of obnoxious tests .. i guess theres no solution as such. Being a good fella i wont advocate the fact of drawing false conviction in thy eyes .... well one can try to be less manipulative [ i knw its hard .. cause ur surrounded by masks around .. but then he who is GREAT is different frn the LEAGUE .... u knw not being a SHEEP sort of a thing ] .

To reveal certain secrets :::::

The no. of boys i have peeped in to --- eye 2 eye .... well very few .. but i guess i m evolving .

The no. of girls i have peeped in to --- eye 2 eye .... an enormous number .. lots of them .. i dont remember the faces .. but i do remeber the sweet smiles they showered at me .... and for tht i m obliged. Dudettes u have been kind. U have helped me grow.

The no. of girls who have peeped in to thy eyes ---eye 2 eye -- hahaha --- hahaha --- AINT IT FUNNY -- till date may be none .... mmm may be i didnt gave anyone a chance. Lets see wht my eyes have in store for there future. Best of luk !!

umm presently it feels so beautiful to write all this .... all this makes me remember those hollywood movies .. The GIRL searches for the BOYS eyes [ those hazel eyes ... arent they CUTE ].. the BOY looks back .. as if he had never shown such a conviction in his life .. as if all he felt was being recited .. through his eyes .. and in this mist of LOVE the eyes talk ..... one 2 one .... eye 2 eye .... the lips come closer ... and BANG ..[ lol ]

But they say lifes not a MOVIE .... but arent the moives a thought of an individual .. so they r a part of ones life & thus closely reflect life .. so they r worth to learn frm. I dont knw whether i have learned or not .... but i have definitely LOVED them.

So whoever reads this [ by mistake though ] .. whether he/she is a LOVER or a BROKE [ like me ] .... let ur loved ones knw how much u care .. THROUGH UR EYES ... all u need to do is .... an EYE 2 EYE ;)

PS :: remove ur specs first.

home .....

2005-10-13T01:16:00.001-07:00

hmm i m back. Added few more pounds to my very STOUT body. This time it was quite a long holiday .. and as i write this, i feel as if i m quite new to this keyboard. Its been days i touched it .... adored it with beautiful thoughts in mind. But this time the visit to home was highly boring [ though this wont discourage my attachment to the place where i once dwelled ... and the place which still smells of my sweat & which is still dirty by my muddy feet .. though shoes have taken over].

So i said the visit was very boring. And mom as always knew it [ how cud these women read ur mind ] .... so she was kind of sad with me. Even the only timepass at home .. TV .. wasnt good enough. How can one appreciate some bull**** remixes when the minds not at peace & the hearts not gay.

well so the dayzz passed by .... and the only thing the family cud find fun in was RAMAYANA. It was being shown on a local channel. Though it was 102 nd time we were watching it .... but to my father it was as interesting as it was the very first time. And thus we saw it all ...... the graphical ARROWS ... BHRAHMASTRA .. and all ..

They [star movies] showed TITANIC yesterday .. but .. RAVANA was mightier i guess .. so RAMAYANA continued .... well i just wonder do we really learn anything frm it .. if i call my elder bro by his name .. a mere RAMAYANA [tht to a mere series on TV] wont change my mind. For sheakspeare there was nothing in name .. but for me its all in ur name .. its ur identity .. the identity given to u by the one who chose u to take birth .. the one who sowed the seed ..

I desperately wanted to go to DANDIA .. but my family not being tht sociable hardly has any contacts .. so i got no passes and may be thts wht worked me to boredom. And to add to my frustration i watched its LIVE telecast on tv .... ha ha ha ha !!

While comin back I just landed in to the auto [ they call it TEMPO in my city ] with a huge bag .. all full ofcourse .. And as i struggled for a seat among the people already inside .. the kid in front of me stared .... the same way as i used to stare people with bags & baggages when i was a kid .. and all i cud say to him n my thoughts was :: " Hey come on !! i m a KID too .. just tht i have grown up a bit & mistakenly joined a college .. so now i need to carry bags ... and theres clothes only .. no chocolates dear."

So it was not something like a holiday fun ... but its always painful to depart .. to see those dull faces of my parents waving me good bye. But dont worry DIpaWALIS near na .... ;)

oct 5 .... 2k5

2005-10-05T08:13:00.000-07:00

woke up in the morning .. and wasnt in good mood at all. I guess it was cause since last two dayzzz i have had a blasting mood .. "HAVENT BEEN HAPPIER" kinds .. but then lifes not a peice of cake .. and even if it is .. the taste changes evry single time. SO even if u have some pretty damn good reasons to be happy .. certain things .. or certain people to be precise .. wont let u be happy. But r they really to be blamed for this .... now tht i have started believing tht whtevr happens in life is already planned .. so i might not blame anybody .. not even myself. But then one may ask .. then why do we do things?? ... well we actually dont do things ..we r just involved in them .. cause we r supposed to be involved & so r others .. SO NO ONES TO BE BLAMED ACTUALLY .

Hey i didnt went home today .. i really hate this .. when my decisions r driven based on others decisions. I knw thts pathetic .. but thts the way it is. And i do blame myself here. I knw its confusing. But whos not confused on this mother EARTH .. atleast i m .. for sure [ no confusion in tht ;) ]. BUt finally got tomorrows ticket so tht i m bound to go.

Apart frm this i have some better thing to say here ::::

O dear LORD !! I dont knw who u r .. i dont evn knw whether u exist or not .. but theres something tht i do believe in .... and i knw thts somewhere inside me only. Though I havent found it yet. But whtevr it is .... let me call it GOD [ i m no exception ] ..

So dear GOD !! i wish to thank u today for whtevr u gave me. I know i have been criticising destiny .. tht u wrote for me .. but aint i HUMAN ?? And i guess i m supposed to behave this way only. SInce all these years of my life .... i have seen lots of people around .. GOOd .. bad .. ugly .. poor & rich .. lovely & caring .. pretentious & wild .. and i have always thought of being among the RICH, the GOOD & the LOVELY ..

I thank u tht u have always infused me with such nice thoughts [ i feel it tht way ] tht i havent been bad. Though i have few regrets in my life ... U gave me the best parents .. loving brothers .. aNd some very caring friends. U might have missed on few things [ ;) ] but i guess tht hasnt been much of a pain.

And i pray to u tht i change the least during the rest of my life. And nobody those i love part frm me [ exaggerated .. but quite humanistic ]. JUst need some blessings .. and the life wud be rocking again .. [ ya forsure i have had some very good times in my life .. havent been always pathetic yaar ]

And i pray tht i have the same love & respect for my parents & bros. I willing bear my responsibilities .. now & at later stages ..

No specifications for love life till now ;) . Its been pathetic till now .. but it hardly matters .... sometimes its even worth crying for no good reasons .. or for some stupid reasons.

So just be with me .. as u have always been .

AMEN !!

hollywOOd !!

2005-10-04T14:55:00.000-07:00

Watched a hell lota Hollywood these dayz. Never wished like studying .. so wht could be a better time pass. But this time it was not a mere timepass .... it was more to it. Cause movies deserved more. Well this time i gave it a thought .. tht though watchin movies is never a wastage of time .. but yet u do invest some ipm part of ur life in them .. so better try to learn from them.

Cause if theres something in front of u .. the things tht ur watching with all interesting eyes, alert ears & complete sense .... have been there in somebodies mind .. and tht is why there .. And since they have been a mind product [With a bit of heart game as well ... i tell u both conspire ] .. then they r worth understanding & sometimes taken in to account. So let me start now ..

October Sky ::

The movies all abt aspirations, dreams & the ZEAL inside. Its abt being deterministic on wht u dream at .. though today it may be new rather WEIRD [ to be more precise ] .. but its ur dream & ur the one whos going to realise it actually .... so its all abt to u .. to GO FOR IT or to DUMP it. Its all abt going against the odds & then in the end turning them ur way.

As for the story part its abt the dream of a boy to be a ROCKET SCIENTIST .. and his dreams were set back by the very fact tht he lived in COALWOOD .... a city of call mines. A city where from grandparents to grandsons .. all have been miners & nothing MUCH .. nothing LESS .

Based on a book by HOLMER HICKAM :: "rocket boys" .. its a nice movie with nicer music.

The Shawshank Redemption ::

Hmm another nice move. Well there nothing special in this movie .. other then the dialogues & tht BLACK guy [Morgan Freeman].. hes a damn good actor .... watched him in a lot of movies .. and hes like too good.

Its all abt a person who was once the VICE PRESIDENT of a reputed bank in the states. But he gets a life sentence for killing his wife & the one SHE slept with. [ though till theend of the movie u might not make it out tht did he really do it .. cause he says he didnt SHOOT ] .. and then how with patience & just strong will manages to dig a tunnel across his cell but just using a sletch hammer .

And he escapes the prison .. through the SHIT PIPE . ugggghhhhh i aint .. prisons a HEAVEN ... to hell with freedom [ lol .. i knw i m overreacting .. but its HOLLYWOOD going on here ]. Hmm this is all crap let me tell ya some thing much better abt this movie .....

Theres this scene in which this creep [ Tim Robbins ] somehow plays a OPERA music on the jail calling radio .... and MAN u shud have seen the relief & hope on the faces of people out there [ hell lota actors they r ] And for this offence he beaten like hell .. and when he joins others they ask him why did he do this . He says ::::

" Theres something inside they cant get to .. something they cant touch "
"Whts IT ?? "
" HOPE "
" HOPE my friend is a dangerous thing .. It can drive a man INSANE " [ said by the black guy ]

Then at the end after getting free .... the creep writes a letter to the BLACKY ::

"HOPE my friend is a good thing .... MAy be the best thing .. ANd no good thing if it DIES " .....

ANOTHER ONE :: " I m so excited .. THE excitement a free man can feel ... THe one whos started a long journey whos conclusions uncertain".

Mean Girls ::::

Lindsay .. i dont knw whether shes good at acting or not .. though shes done a pretty decent job .... but forsure SHES hell lota CUTE & has a very pulling VOICE. Hmm guess wht my latest CRUSH. And forsure again .. i m not kiddin .. shes just soo .. whtevr .... shes a CRUSH ....

So abt the movie its one of those emotional hollywood movies .... the girl whos never ever been to a real school before lands up in to a typical AMERICAN HIGHSCHOOL straight frm AFRICA .... now u wud wonder how cum LIVDSAY shes white .. & frm AFRICA ..... was the director NUTTTS ..... whtevr

Ya so the chicks new to the college .. and with the pretentious & egoistic .. turn others down .... kind of a world around her .. SHE turns mean [ but shes still cute ;)] .. and then she realises her mistakes ...... and wishes tht she was bevr in such kind of a world. And then shes back .. & as beautiful as she was before.

And hey hey .... SHES a MATHS jenious in the movie .. i knw its weird but she is .. & tht adds to the crush ....

The Lord of the RIngs ::::

Watched all three parts. all simply superb. Wont say much abt it ... but one thing

" Know ur responsibilities ... and be willing to bear their burden .. to carry them till they r realised "

PS :: Hey me going home. So i thought just putting up a big pst this time .. c ya after few dayzz . happy holidazzzzz . Buh Bye .

Deep Down ..... Gone !!

2005-10-02T15:45:00.000-07:00

Hahahahaha .....

Two posts in a single day ..lol ... tht too in a span of 5 mere minutes ...
But dont be scared friends .. this ones going to be a SHORTER crap !!

I just happen to write a SCRAP to one of my very old & DEAR friend whos in MERCHANT NAVY .... and i ended up being a bit poetic & philosophical .. so I just wished to share .. I leave it to U to extract the deep down hidden meaning ... or LOL is there any ??

So the LINES r [this is an extended version ]::::

The waves may entice u
The dolphins may offer u a charm
The storms may throw u a challenge
The ships may give u spirit
The harbour may attract ur peace
The islands may adhere a welcome
The stars may show U direction
The icebergs might HAUNT you
And being a part of the VAST SEa may give u pride

but ...

Nevr forget the one on land ..
The one who faces the cool breeze from tht very sea
The one who waved U goodbye times back
The one who wishes tht storm turns his way than urs
The one who prays tht stars tell u the right path
The one who wishes the icebergs to melt
the one waiting for u ..
with all love & affection !!

PS :: Obnoxious na .... hey 5 minutes dont change a mans moood !!

?? ...... ??

2005-10-02T14:56:00.000-07:00

One fine day (yesterday to be very precise) .... i woke up late .. and i cannot admit here how badly i hate sleeping .... i feel its a mere wastage of time .. though while awake .. i do nothing better then wasting precious moments of an important phase of my life. Will i regret this ever ??

And all the damn MINd comes up with r questions .. one after the other ..... or is it the HEART thts throwing those questions at the MIND .... ugggghh its a dirty game the two of them play & leave me confused & in distress. neways here r few of the questions tht demanded answers ...... but who cares ...

hauNting queStions :::::

1. Why do I like my rooms door closed & locked ?
2. Why do I loVe being alone though I have a nice roomie ?
3. Why do I wish to write though I know its pathetic ?
4. Why do I listen to others fears & pains though I myself am weak ?
5. Why do I long for loVe though I have so much of it around me ?
6. Why am I not serious abt certain things tht govern my life ?
7. Why do I wish for more friends though I have many ?
8. Why dont I take initiatives though I wish to be on top ?
9. Rather Why do I wish to be on top ?
10. Why am I not so knowledgeable ?
11. Why do I feel my lifes pathetic though I know GOD has been kind to me ?
12. Why Why Why ...... Why this goddamn Why ?

13. Why do I wish to close my eyes when I know there things I need to face ?
14. Why am I such a DESPO ?
15. Why havent I realised any of my dreams till date ?
16. Why am I so aimless & confused ?
17. Why do I love wasting time though I know it wont come back ?
18. Why the hell did I got drunk though it was the first & the last time ?
19. Why doesnt happiness stays forever ?
20. Why are guys GAY ... though I dont object LESBIANS ?
21. Why do I ask such obnoxious questions as well ?
22. Why have I taken birth .... any purpose .... naaaah I dont think sooo ?
23. Why do I wish to hide the pain & show tht FAKED smiling face ?
24. Rather Is there any pain actually .... or its an illusion ?
25. Why dont I feel like working hard ? [ A bad question ]
26. And why the hell these questions have no answers ????????
27. Rather Why such questions ??????

I knw even if there r any answers they wud be more HAUNTING !!!!

PS :::: Today I m in good moood. So plzzz dont conclude tht I was sad or something .... yups the mood was fluctuating yesterday .... its was kind of obnoxious !! And forsure there r hell lot more questions tht I wont write here ??

9 point someONE ..

2005-09-29T14:58:00.000-07:00

[ The latest read being 5 POINT SOMEONE . The narrator aimed the reader to feel tht hes reading his own story & for sure he got me. It seemed to be so me in the book .... the only differences being

1. I m not an IITian
2. I m not a 5 pointer
3. I dont have a girl ]

This is a story of a 9 pointer [ grr does it matter ]. Got an admission in an institute which was then striving to be a premiere institute of India [ and to the best of my badluck & damngood indian politics .... it left tht strive & no more longs to rise to the apitome of technology & management ]. People used to ask why did he choose this institute .... wht the heck .... it was never chosen .. we never have a choice here in India .. U only get it .. nothing choosing. All u need to do is work ur ass out & come up with some good AIR .... but hard work was nevr there in my dictionary.

And therefore it does signify tht to be a 9 pointer does not mean tht u need to work ur asses out. Atleast not here. MAy not in any other institute leaving the IITs. Rather i wud say tht its MUGGING every where. The only difference is tht in IITs they do it most of the times .. and here its ocassional .... rather the examination night only. So all i have managed through 9 is by being in to best of my senses .... mug up the right things .... vommitting them right there .... and may be lots of luck.

But then have i been such a "9 point JERK someone" all my life .... definitely not .... i almost always wished to be the TOPPER one(rather the CREEPY ones). But this desire was never backed up by HARDWORK. MAy be i never believed in hardwork & may be even today i dont believe in it ....I know i havent done one till now. I ditched my parents dream of seeing me in to IITs. Umm wasted most of their efforts & hardwork. And all i cud manage to keep them happy & a bit satisfied is a 9 point something.

As an individual .. I wish to be a STUD .... dont knw wht this word actually means. But all i understand frm this is being nearly PERFECT. ATleast being at the Top of ur world & ur Dreams. If i see FEDERER .. i wish i was a GOOD tennis player ..[ i nevr feel being a CRICETER .. they SUCK ]. If i see TRENDZ [ a fashion channel of ZEE ] i wish to be a FASHION DESIGNER ... and this feeling is stronger. When i write i wish to be a NOVELIST. Presently i m in to Engineering but i have never dreamt to be a good engineer. Rather i never came to a conclusion on wht a GOOD ENGINEER is all abt.

I long for a girl to be in my life .... to be a part of it .. but people think tht i m a so called DEVDAS [ and i hate being called so ]. I wish to undrstand loVe. But all went in vain .. and there r very less expectations now.

So i guess till now life has not been worth it .. except from the fact tht i belong to a very LOVABLE family .. i have the BEST parents .... considerate BROTHERS .... and a hell lota caring friends around me. Isnt it enough ?? Or am i demanding too much ??

So being a 9 point someone is easy but not coooool enough. U have better things in life to care for. As RYAN [ one of the characters ] says it :: " Life is much more then this system and its foolish policies. Its the AGE of fun & enjoyment. Its the AGE to live, love & make life feel worth LIVED " [ lol ... the quote is mine .. i just used the character name .. though he conveys a similar idea ].

SOme excerpts from the book :::::

There is a reason wht they say men shoud not cry, they just look so, like , ugly.

There r times in life u wish dinosaurs werent extinct and cud be whistled to come & gulp u down

Its hard to say NO to pretty girls or to ice-cream.

Girls loVe laughing at their own jokes.

It is funny how ur mind comes up with questions.DAmn it, it is up to the mind to come out with the answers, so why cant it just keep its doubts to itself ?

few Drops of vodkA ...

2005-09-28T14:13:00.000-07:00

Few drops of Vodka .... and the pain is all gone .. evrything forgotten .. into a new world I go. I knw friends ur worried but I havent got addicted to it & for sure i wont. But sometimes u r bound to cross the boundaries u set for urselves .... its called moving against ur WILL. And i m happy i did i once in my life.

Its all so tasteless .. rather it has a very bad taste .. then why the hell people drink it . Maybe becuase of the relief it gives.

Why the hell r people so misunderstanding. Or am i a fool of such sort tht i am not capable enough to have myself understood. Its all so confusing. I take an oath everyday tht i wont come to this goddamn internet again .. but cant help the addiction i m in to. And everyday all i end up in to is more pain & more confusion. The only thing tht has always been on my side has been this blog. It has always helped me pen down my feelings. To vomit it all out here. Be it good or bad.

ANUjs Dictum :::: Whenevr in pain, always write.

So people plzzz listen to the one who cares. Never let him down. Never give him a feeling tht hes not worth U [ though he may deserve better ]. Love him the same way as he Loves U. Be compassionate & caring [ try to be less human ].

Cause if one day he leaves .... then may be u wud loose something tht u wont even be able to regret upon.Ciao.

the heaRt

2005-09-25T13:49:00.000-07:00

.

If i cud melt ur heart
We wud nevr be apart ....

ummm wht does melting ones heart means .... May be heating up a bit with the flame of feeling. But isnt this very philosophical. So whts practical.

WEll i never understood what actaually a HEART is. Is it a mere organ ( rather the most imp. one ) tht pumps in & out the blood tht circulates in a body. And does it have anymore importance ( being it a lifeline is worth an importance but here i m lookin for something more .... something at a higher level ).

I m a human, thus a social animal & with no exceptions all tht i have learned through my 20 years of life is based on experiences of others (unfortunately even they r human) and certain things written in books tht were either believed or proved by certain inquisitive individuals. So my repository of knowledge (which is highly limited) is based on a basic assumption of believing them all.

And believing this as i have heard & read ... they say tht " HEART is not a mere pumping organ .. its something u can talk to". ummm to put it more literally they say tht humans have two modes of responding to situations :: Either listen to ur MIND or ur HEART. And i firmly believe the first one cause i have heard my mind speak. But the second one is a bit doubty. Doubty why ?? Cause i have always heard two voices ... though one is very weak & the other very strong.

Now the crux here is tht how does one figure out which one came from where. Which ones "THE MIND THOUGHT" which they say is always practical ... and which one " THE VOICE OF UR HEART " which they term to be say fictional, non practical & quite troublesome. Everysingle day i read my horoscope ... and it says "TODAY IS THE DAY TO LISTEN TO THE VOICE OF UR HEART" ..... and as a firm superstitious ... whenevr a complex situation arises .... i do hear two voices .. but nevr figured out which ones the heart one. SO as always it left me confused.

Now even if this is cleared .. and i knw this art of talking to ur heart (A place where they say GOD resides).... but then wht does this MELTING ONES HEART mean. DOes it mean when ur able to establish a connection btw two different hearts ....

Its not like i dont knw the answers to these questions. I knw them very well (any queries invited) cause i have exrerienced these things. I have felt something. I knw whtevr GOOD i dream has been there sometime in my heart. And i knw tht whenevr i have HICCkUPS theres someone remembering me.

Sorry dont knw where i started frm and where have i ended up.

All i knw is tht heart gives u something. But u have only two options :: Either loVe or pAin .... and the fun is tht u wont be given a chance to choose .... And moreover theres no criterion. Its all unknown. But whtevr u get (as a consequence of FATE) it wont evr let u feel satisfied. And u will be a sLave .... demanding for more ..

It will lead you to the ocean of emotions on a seemigly safe boat .. but u wont be able to survive the storms .... and it wont leave u in the mist .. but will sail u through to an Island .. very secluded .... all lonely. And then theres no escape .... And then u wud think .. Why did I listened to it .. And by the way WHOM did I listened to ..... was it my mind or the heart. And u hear those two voices again ....

Everywhere around me i see pain
And i thought i was most unlucky ....

huM tuM

2005-09-23T14:06:00.000-07:00

hum :: (whistling) ... Ladki kyun na jane kyun ... hmmm
tum :: Hey . Hi . Kya kar rahe ho ? ( with a sweet smile )
hum :: Sa Re Ga Ma se call ayi hai. Practice kar raha hoon. ( overlooks ... attitude)
tum :: huh !! Shakal dekhi hai ayine main ...
hum :: Kyun face dekh ke gana gaya jata hai kya ?? Aur viase main roj to aina dekhta hi hoon !! ( runs fingers through his hair )..
tum :: Haan haan pata hai. Pata nahin kaya milta hai in lambe gande baloon se. Tum bal kata kyun nahin lete ...... ( a frown )
hum :: Are tujhe kya pata fashion kya hota hai. Rehne de tu nahin samjhegi .... ( gives a mocking look ) ..
tum :: (whistling) haan bas ek tum hi to ho jo bachpan se fashion karta aa raha hai. To tu fashion designer kyun nahin ban jata.
hum :: I guess ur right. Vaise bhi main engineering se bahut BORE ho chuka hoon. Teachers ko padhana nahin ata aur mujhe kuch samajh main nahin ata. Pata nahin tum ladkiyan kaise teachers ke peeche padi rehti ho. Hamesha marks ke liye rona dhona .... Give me a break yaaar ..... ( again a mocking look)
tum :: Shut up ok .. tum ladke koi kam ho kya ..Tumhe koi kam to hota nahin hai. Bas koi lady teacher ayi nahin aur natak shuru ( THE boys mouth opens a bit .. a *sigh* ) ... are muh to band karo .... U all r so sick !!
hum :: Are tumhe kya pata life kise kehte hain. Jevan jine ka matlab sirf saturday, sundays ko shopping karna aur baki din college main boring classes attend karna .... aur lecture dena hi nahin hota miss ..... wht do u knw abt enjoying life !!
tum :: Acha .... aur tum boys to bada jante ho life enjoy karna hain .... life ka matlab hai ladkiyon ke peeche ghumna ... roz nayi ladki ko coffee ke liye poochna ..and if she refuses .. to " NOT MY TYPES " bol ke overlook karna .... bas yahi life hoti hai na ...
hum :: Shut up okkk . AUr haan yaad rakhna main kabhi ladkiyon ke peeche nahin bhagta ... Wo to ladkiyan hi ... ( Raises his collar ..)
tum :: Haan haan vo to mujhe pata hai. paanch bar to main hi paanch alag ladkiyon ko tere LOVE letters de chuki hoon. Mere ko mat bana ok .. o knw u better than even urselves ... ( tht attitude of GOTTYA ... )
hum :: Are vo to mere doston ne insist kiya ... varna main aur ladki ... no way ... Main in sab musibatoon main nahin padta ...
tum :: Acha to ab hum musibaat bhi ho gaye .. Ab agli bar ana tu NOTES mangne ... phir batati hoon ki musibaat kise kehte hain ..
hum :: Hey hey main to mazaak kar raha tha dear ... u knw na I love u a lot .... ek tu hi to hai jo .... ( The girl makes a move ..)
tum :: Chal main to chali class ... ( the boy frowns inside .. how sick of her ... )
hum :: Are ruk na .... Are sun to .... Are sun na plzzzz

To be continued for sure ........

PS :: Written while burning midnight oil .. so dont be surprised over this INSANITY !! And its not one of those talks with any girl of my college. Its all a creation of a creepy mind & an insane heart.

Closing note ::

The Road

2005-09-20T12:34:00.000-07:00

There was a class this evening. On my way to class i walked on to tht same road which i had been walking on since last 2 years. Most of the mornings .... sometimes in the evenings & ofcourse every sunday ....... the same road travelled for 2 long years of my life. The years of my life when i gained some maturity & an infinite amount of INSANITY .

But this evening & may be all the forthcoming mornings & evenings & sundays .... I never will be able to know this road. It seems to be so familiar yet so unknown. Since years this road had been walked by thousands of people .. some sad .. some happy .... some alone & by some coulples ...... and even if they would have ever tried to discover this road ( As a test of there insaNity ofcourse ).... all would have had a different perception .... a different knowledge. Everyone would have known it a different way. And if i assume that most of them were really great (insaNe) enough to have known this road ........ then either this road has so much in it which makes everyone feel differently ..... made everyone know it differently ....... or may be nobody ever came to know it. May be this was as unknown to them as it has been to me since last few years.

And if thats true .... ie nobody really knew the ROAD ... shud i be happy that nobody is different from me .... rather i m the same as they r ... a SHEEP ...(My gosh ... this is a sheepish society). But did i ever wished it that way. Did i ever wanted to be a SHEEEP . Definitely not. I have always wished to stand my ground (I have KSHYTRIYA blood running in my veins). I wished not to be a hell lot different .... but i do wish a recognition which is worth it.

So i have always strived to know this road .... to travel it .... to walk it with all recognition.

How would have this road felt since years .... being ruined by lots of known faces .. and yet everytime they walk it again .. its all so different ... a different attitude .... a different gesture .... a different recognition. But still this road has something to cherish .... to behold ...it has the memories.

But think of a road tht is unwalked ... never used ... all alone . It has no memories .. It never gave anyone any recognition. Its all new, fresh & lonely.

But then every thing has DAY ..and NIGHT as well.

I have always wished to walk this road all through. To reach the end of it .... and then say proudly " I knew this road .. I have walked it once".
This road of LOVE !!

saNity vS insaNity

2005-09-19T14:47:00.000-07:00

insaNity :: Hey I loVe her !!
saNity :: Wht the heck .... do u even knw wht loVe is ??
insaNity :: May be i dont .. but i do feel someThing. something nice & close.
saNity :: and wud u dare to tell tht somethinG plZZZ ..
insaNity :: weLL its a feeling tht has nevr been there or may i say ..which has always been there. Its abt feeling someone close to ur heart !!
saNity :: hahaha ... cLose to ur heart . Stupid SHE doesnt even recognise u. U were nevr cLose to her .... and may be u wont evr be close . and u call this SOMTHNG HAPPENING ..... it's so insane .....
insaNity :: Hey i nevr put those constraints of recognition. I knw the things r screwed up but i will find my way ...
saNity :: lOOk whos talkin !! U havent ever been able to find urselves .. how the hell r u supposed to find ways .... to an impossible ... rather a non existant destination ??
insaNity :: ok if its not loVe ..... wht the heLL is it ??
saNity :: May be attraction ....
insaNity :: attractions never last 5 long years ..
saNity :: thEn its insanity ...
insaNity :: But then there has to be a cause for this insanity .... isnt it ? and the cause is SHE .. so isnt it loVe .. to be waiting for a single person for 5 long years .... remembering her all day & night .... and that too when u dont even have memories of being together .. All i remember is a pretty & innocent face ..... and if it was not loVe then wht the hell in this world has let me remember HER .. Have i been stupid .. or have i been worse ..
saNity :: well dont knw ......
insaNity :: hahaha ... now thts insanity .. tHe very fact of not knowing is inSanity dear .... and if even saNity is not supposed to knw then who is ?? Am i trapped here ... unanswered ... Determined yet confused !!

Hey !! PHOENIX .... a very considerate reader gave me a solution. i read his blog & found tht hes in pain too. May be a pain bitter then mine (or theres no pain for me .... its just an illusion .... but i have nevr admitted to be an illusion .. rather i m not ready to take it tht way). I owe u quite a bit dude. May GOD relieve u og this pain & give back the hapiness tht u deserve. The solution is ::::

"If u find urself trapped, listen to sanity, because ur mind speaks thru the so-called sanity. Insanity is just ur heart's voice, always listen it, hear it out, but do not necessarily act on it. When ur hands freeze and eyes solidify listening to the "sane" u because the other voice is too string, then the other voice has become the voice of ur inuition. Then, and only then, give it a chance. Keep ur feet on the ground, and give it a chance, with 200% of urself. And take it, come what may, with a smile."

Finally a Hope !!

2005-09-17T14:25:00.000-07:00

Last few days of life have been quite Motivating. A mixture of self motivation & motivation from other parts of my life (ofcourse my friends). Well all this motivation has been there may be to resist a Change. A big one indeed.

Urs truly aNuj was moving towards a change. From a happy go creature to a maNiac deVdas. And obviously this is not acceptable to my friends ( GOSH !! how much they care ).And of time i have been realisisng this tht how imp it was to resist this change.

So friendz i m no more a deVdas ( though i m still a maNiac ....any crazy thing and u can turn up to me anytime .... i wont dissapoint ). Now the question wud be .... Wht happened to tht girl ......... lol ... SHE stays where SHE was .. my hEart ofcourse !! But this time loVe ( or whtevr they cal it .... infatuation .. attraction .. ) will be a poositiVe one. Very unconditional & motivating. May be this way i have a found a way of self motivation. Lets see how long it works.

Lol .. but the poems will keep coming. Sorry .... u will have to bear with it.

Well then if its not going to be SHE then wht am i goin to write abt. grrr ... Theres nothing else worth telling. The blogs r said to be INTERNET DIARIES ... but r they really ?? whtevr .... i use them to pen down my feelings.

September 18, 2005 :::::

The day .. or should i say midnite started with rupturing someone ASS .. well i didnt do it .. i was late ( and i m very considerate as well ). It was sandeeps Bday. Five minutes of gathering .... sometimes to celebrate & most of the times to satisfy the empty tummy .... as they have something or the other to eat.

But this life has its own fun. Came down after getting my part of the party done .... sat in front of the Pc .... lol ... i have been sitting here since years .... may be lifes. This is a hell lot of a prayer .... May be the god of IT ( i feel IT is on such a boom these days tht even GODS may feel the need of an IT department ) would be pleased ..... and thus grant me a Virus & Bug free platform called HEAVEN .

umm Its 3:24 .... morning 8:00 is a class .... a continous 5 hrs class .... lol ... lots of time to sleep. The techers a total geek .. knws a hell lota prigramming languages ..... uggh i hate this stuff. Craming up. And then lunch .... which i wont ever even dream to touch ... forget tasting it. Its been years since i had lunch. And then again a 3 hrs class.

Wow ..... wht a SUNDAY its gonna be. All fucked up. And then when i come back in the evenin ....a bit og BADDI .... and again ME & MY SUOLMATE computer. AAAHHH !! we make such a good pair. May be i should have fallen in loVe with it .... atleast we wud have been close.

Thts it for now. .. CIAO !!

So u just saw .... diary writing stuff .. isnt it boring. SO lets see wht has lifein store. Bubbly says it has much more to give !! So, presently i m enjoying this HOPE of being wht i have always been ...... SMILING ...

eNough !!

2005-09-15T12:36:00.000-07:00

.

I know all you out there would have been scratching ur head out whenever u visited this blog. This " mAd iN loVe gEEk " has nothing else to write then his boring loVe poems ..... some times waiting ....sometimes crying .... most of the times behaving like a kId who didnt got his chocolatEs tht he always expected to get. But folks thts the way it is.

Umm but things shouldnt go this way .... if not for me then may be for u ( Aint i conSiderate ?? ).

Well u must be wondering ... did someone hit something on his head .. how come this change .... well read a few articles on happiness & then few enlightening posts on other blogs. ( But will this bring a change .... hahahaha .. a deVils laugh )

But its not tht i have always been the " Rotadu " types. I have been happy .... rather one of the most lively personality among friends ( Hey !! anuj .. was tht a jokE ?? ). But then this bUg called loVe .... grrr .. if it bites u .... either u r on the other side of the river .... happy & satisfied ........ or u drown !!

Well have i drowned or not would be a bad question to ask at this point of time !! But yes certainly there r things tht r not very pleasing but then if some of u have watched tht movie called " MOHABBATEIN " ...... srk says ::::

" When i fell in loVe .... i never demanded tht sHe would also fell in loVe with me .... Love signifies only to give .. not to expect returns .... its foundation is not kept on the promise of Equality of Returns "

( lol ... Somewht like tht ) .
So same here. But then i m a normal human being ..... i do have expectations. Expectations tht i feel when fulfilled, would make me happy. And its all so natural to expect.

I may have written these poems here so tht if anytime by LUCK ( grrrr ) she passes by this blog ...... sHe gets to knw abt someone who misses hEr .. someone who cares .... and that tht someone is me :: Anuj . But then should i expect .... dont knw.

And this very fact of not knowing ...... huRts !!

And then the fact tht sHe doesnt recognise me .... no repLies .... my increased desperation ( grr .. i hate it ) .... And being helpless ..... it all so hurTs ..
But then one of my friends once told me tht we r here on this planet to bear the pain . TO vitness agony & accept it as a teSt .... we r here to sUffer .. But wht r the benefits ........ a stupid HEAVEN ( Ughh .... let me go to hEll ).

So u see the pain is there & it will be there .... more poems will be coming .. more crying ........ amd may be a long wait.

Today u dont recognise me
Cause i have behaved like a fOOl
But tomorrow you may regret
Cause u will be the reason for me goin inSane !!

Today you may not fall for me
Cause I have never confessed
But tomorrow you may long
For the same loVe that made me Obssesed !!

All i have to say is
I wont be a fOOL
I wont go insaNe
If ur there to hear to my pain !!

i loVe u !!

PS :: I wont give up .... lol !!

Vanished Tears .... A faking sMilE ..

2005-09-13T11:02:00.000-07:00

You have been .....
My dreams .. My Future .. My Hopes .. My Past .. my Friendliness .. My Exuberance ..My Zenith ...

U r in .,....
My Voice .. My Will .. My choice .. My Innocence .. My Trust .. My Security .. My Sencerity ..

You r there in ...
My Childhood .. My Joy .. My Love .. My Compassion .. My SelfImage .. My Faith ..

U will always be ...
My Empathy ... My Senxuality .. My Sensuality .. My Belonging .. My Desire .. My Friend ..

U r ....
My Religion .. My prayer .. My Laughter .. My Life .. My First Date ...

I wish u to be ....
My Sanity .. My ability ... My conscience .. My name ..

And U r ......
My Identity ..
My Smile ..
My All .........

And in this Mist when things r not going fine, against destiny & fate ..... I stand .. ERECT ..... UNMOVED ...... to face everything & anything tht comes my way. Today U may not recognise me ...... approve me ..... may be this DREAM wont come true ever .... May be there will be people who will be more loveable ...... But i stand my Ground to protect the SPACE U DESERVE in thy heart.

And there comes again tht FAKING SMILE ....... demanding the TEAR to vanish ....

The TEARs of hOpE vAniSh ...... in the rAin ..

A tear

2005-09-11T00:49:00.000-07:00

Her thought crippled my mind
Her name caught my voice
And on to that faking Smile
Dropped a tear !!

The Tear fell deep down
In to the hands of destiny
Not knowing the day
when it could smile !!

I will Wait

2005-09-08T02:20:00.000-07:00

.
SHE has been my passion .. SHE hs been in my emotions .. And I miss her a lot .... though SHE was never close but i never felt her to be far .... but now something seems to be parting frm me .... I need to be strong to hold on .... to wait ..

I was here
To bear the pain;
I have been here
To witness Agony;
I will always be here
To suffer !!

I was here
To be loved;
I have been here
To be adored ;
But now I wont be there
Longing for Love !!

All innocent
I stand stagnant
In this mist called life
Winds pass by and
There is just a blink !!

With no hopes
And all fear
I wish for someone
Who can rejuvinate
Thy thoughts !!

But there is
just a Wait
Wait and A wait !!

No response .....

PS :: The thoughts r in accordance with the picture outside and the feelings inside.

Want to know u Inside Out ... To hold u close & tight

2005-09-05T09:12:00.000-07:00

SHE .... My only prayer to god .. the one i aspire for .. the one i wont forget ever ..

I wish for u ....... i long for u .... u make me go crazy ..... everything seems stagnant .. things seem to end and start ..... its like at the edge of life & death .. the edge of hell & heaven ...

ohhhh that pretty face .. those "make me drown" eyes ... tht innocent smile... ahhh those dimples .. tht childish voice .... those long dark hairs .... unorganised yet beautiful .

Those eyes I would always wish to follow .. peeping frm behind someone (her sister).. giving that very innocent look of " I m an angel, i dont belong here, the world is not the place where i dwell .... i will be there in your dreams ... u cant catch me .. " .......

That dimple smile .... on that pretty face .. lighting up your thoughts .. letting me knw there r things I havent got. Its like giving life to the one starving ..... the fragrance of a flower.

I long to run my finger through her hair ....to lend my shoulder when she feels sleepy .... to lie on her lap & talk for hours .... just make her sit right in front of me .....watch her for hours ,days , years .... a lifetime.

To hear ur dreams .. ur feelings .. ur wishes .. to feel ur love, ur aggression .
To have a fight & then feel bad .. then try to make u happy again ..... to make u laugh.

To hold u close & near. Tomake love to u & to be loved .
I want to SCREAM & SHOUT , i want to know u INSIDE OUT.

My dear SHE i wish to knw u inside out ....

A Missing Friend

2005-09-01T11:23:00.000-07:00

* SIGh * I always wished for such a friend but " Pados Main koi ladki hi nahin thi :( " .... and even now everything stands the same ..... grrr ...thanx to nice things written in my destiny .... ugggghhhhh .. luckily The unluckiest man on earth.

Hey this is not a joke ... i m damn serious abt it friendz .... and ohhh these typical karan johar style bollywood dramas add up to my anxiety. Hey but is it really true .... does such a lucky couple really exists ...... and if it does My GOd i would pay any price to be one of those couples ....lol i m not desperate ....its just a wish .

It would be wow to have someone pretending not to give a damn abt me but in her heart she has all the feelings & despite her pretention i knw tht she cares & i love her the same way ( here LOVE does not mean only bf-gf ). I would do all the boyish mischiefs and she shows me tht attitude. Whenever in trouble she comes running to me ..... and i just tell her how a DUMBO she is.

I go to her running whenever i spot a new girl in the college ( lol ...how flirtatious of me ) .... ans she just overlooks it cause she doesnt want to share her part of love. She calls up in the morning to wake up a stupid .... shouting tht hes getting late for the classes .......

And then those never ending discussions abt either girls r DUMD or Boys r SMART ( lol ...sorry it should be whose better :: Boys or girls ).... and with no exceptions at the very night before exams i run on to her for notes & when i dont understand a damn word .... i reach her with all innocence on face & ask of help .... and very rudely she says " Come Over " ..... lol .... i knw she cares ....

On her bdays ( which i always forget to wish ) i never give her presents & quite contrary to this she is the first one to wish me ...( this one is a bit exaggerated though .. i m laways there for her & she knws thts the best gift for her )......

Then those days & nights when i would miss her like hell .... when she would be far ... but wont call cause of tht EGO ... ugghhhh .... and as soon as she returns she is tooo excited to tell me her experiences but i as usual overlook .....mot interested in crap ...

She talking abt Tulsi ( kyunki saas bhi kabhi bahu thi ) and I abt Rock ( WWE ) ....

But the boy is not tht bad in the story yaar .... When she has a fight at home .... she feels lonely .. i always make her laugh .. my shoulder is always there for her.... and tht hanky of mine which she sneezes in to & always returns without washing ....ugghhhh but I love it tht way ......

Me protecting her frm all sorts of onlookers ...... giving her treats even when i m broke .... giving a small little slap on her head whnever shes stupid .. hear to her when she sobbs .... not hearing her when shes angry ....... ..

And theres lots more tht the two has to & can give each other. And this love i tell u is untouched, uncomparable, everlasting & the purest ...... but everyone is not a lucky dog. lol .... i m not happy with it.

Oh god !! If this wish of mine ever comes true in any life ......
MY DIL WILL GO MMMMMMMMMM ..........

Download this song

Salaam|Namaste - My dil goes mmmm..

Ladka ::::

AAti hain woh aaise chal ke, jaise jannat mein rehti hain
Dekhti hain sabko aaise, jaise sabko woh sehti hain
Par gusse mein jab aaye, aur ankhein woh dikhlaye
Ladte ladte galti se muskaaye
My dil goes mmmmmm....4x

Ladki ::::

karti hu jab usse baatein, lagta hain sone wala hain
Soke jab jabbhi woh jaage, lagta hain rone wala hain
Par chupke se woh aaye, meri neend se mujhe jagaye
Le baahon mein aur khud hi gir jaaye
My dil goes mmmmmm....4x

Ladka ::::

Ha woh na na karti hain
Ha bada akadti hain
Ha thodi si ziddi hain
Ha akal se piddi hain
Jaate hain sab aaye, na aaye woh jaati hain
Tedhi in baaton se mujhko yeh satati hain
Har waqt se pehle aanaa sunn na na koi bahana
Par dekhna mera rasta rozana
My dil goes mmmmmm....4x

Ladki ::::

Ha picture mein rota hain
Ha khulle muh sota hain
Ha zara nalayak hain
Ha pitne ke layak hain
Jaane kya kehta hain jaane kya karta hain
Sofe pe chadhta hain pardo se ladta hain
Jab karne lage safaai samjho ke shaamat aayi
Fir thak ke jab leta hain angdaai
My dil goes mmmmmm....4x

Ha thodi alag si hain
Ha thodi galat si hain
Ha thoda alag sa hain
Ha thoda galat sa hain
Aaisi bhi hogi woh aaisa na socha tha
Aaisa hi hoga woh aaisa hi socha tha
kyo lagta hain yeh apna
Yeh sach hain ya hain sapna
Dar lagta hain kahi ho na jaaye jhuth
My dil goes mmmmmm.... 12x

Walking Together !!

2005-08-30T16:04:00.000-07:00

Hey witnessed another beautiful morning & all of them inspire me to write something ( though crap ...lol ).

Walking Together

I wish that we walk together in this mist called life ...... being close ..... following one another ..... leading when the other is wrong ..... holding when one stumbles ...... but for sure the path is not a bed of roses .....lol ....the path has not yet begun ..... we arent close .... neither together ....... but i wish this world of dreams never ends ..

These lush green fields
Oh these high rising mountains
This cool touching breeze
Oh this sound of running water
They all invite me !!

These fields invite me to join
To join the joy of being down to earth
The joy of being stable
The joy of being tempered yet being productive !!

Oh these high mountains invite me to rise
To rise to touch the sky yet feets on the ground
Being rough and hard yet beautiful
To stand with that sense of pride !!

This cool breeze invites me to swirl
Be a part of the untouched fragrance
The delight of being free
The power to make things move !!

Oh the sound of running water invites me to flow
The peace of quenching ones thirst of desires
The pride of being 70 % of you, me & everyone
The fun of free fall from up above !!

But all these invitations sound worthless
If you arent a part of me
If we dont rise yet being stable
If we dont fall freely in this HELL called LOVE !!

So do u accept thy invitation .......[ SHE ] ....

PS :: I was half asleep when i wrote this ....lol ... so dont mind .

What should I do ??

2005-08-27T12:45:00.000-07:00

Some beautiful demanding lines not written by me but they really convey my feeling ::

What have I got to do to make you love me
What have I got to do to make you care
What do I do when lightning strikes me
And I wake to find that you're not there

What do I do to make you want me
What have I got to do to be heard [ Elton john's song ].

( i wrote here onwards )
What have I got to do to make u mine
What do I do to beat my destiny & conquer you !!

What should I do to make you feel as I do
What would I do when i will realise tht getting You is impossible
What should I do when you haunt me in my thoughts
What would I do when you will become an addiction !!

What can I do when i feel so helpless
What can I do when I long to be close
What do I do to make go things our way
What do I do so that You understand What u mean to me !!

What Should have I done When u said u dont recall me
What should I do when i am sick of thinking abt You only
What should have I done when I had all opportunities but no Luck
What should I do when I wish to fight Destiny !!

What do I do when i knw that i cannot resist this feeling
What do I have to do to be sane
What can I do to remove the distances
What do I have to do to feel blessed !!

The Crux of the Whole "What Should I do" story is :::::
What should one do when hes in LOVE !!!!

All Alone !!

2005-08-24T18:26:00.000-07:00

Hey no misinterpretations ........I m surrounded by lots of loving people close & far...... but its just tht i did a NIGHT OUT (not the blog yaar )..... and i was eventually able to witness a very beautiful morning .....and in this weird mind of mine came a geeky thought of writin a poem ...... and ugghhhhhhh this time i realised how pathetic a poet i can be. I guess my earlier posts were still worth readable .....but i still dare to post is cause its original right frm heart CRAp ....hope u wont like it .....lol........

With the sun about to rise
And Moon about to vanish
Smelling this cool breeze
I sit here all alone

The morning all beautiful awaits
The dark night still not over
In this dilemma of happiness & being lonely
I sit here all alone

The future seems to be bright
But dont knw the path tht is right
On this edge of identifying reality
I sit all alone

Theres no one around me
Was there anyone around me ??
Will there bw someone around me ??
Sighing on these unknown answers
I sit here all alone

There seems to be a road ahead
But its all unknown & lonely

Standing here at the crossroad of life
I wish that SHE holds my hand
And WE walk this road altogether
With no fear & lonliness ........

SO tht I dont have to sit here all alone ..................lol

So tht was it .......THe CRAp .....

Party Sharty !!

2005-08-17T14:07:00.000-07:00

Hey hi Blog !! Long time no post. I was busy with my new blog ......but still nobody read it ..... go DUDES !!

This evening had a very nice party to welcome the new comers in the college ..... well the only good part abt it was I GOT TO DANCE !! I love doin that ..... i mean i m not that good a dancer ..... DANCE as if NO Ones WATCHING !!!!

Danced for long hrs with friends ... seniors... juniors & all .... It was real enjoyment.

Last few days have been very dramatic ...... well they always have been there. U go for a class .... waking up early .... disturbing all ur sweet dreams ( i rarely get them )... And with those sleepy eyes & unwashed body ... we go to see a face giving us some kind of lecture that would make us COMPUTER GEEKS !! But the face never appears .... the teacher doesnt come ..... lol

And when someone shows a rare appearance he/she is not alone ...... he brings abt the others as well ..... and then u have 12 classes on saturdays & sundays .... all of them trying to make an appearance at the same day & may be same time .... TOO BAd !!!!

WEll to tell u abt the MOOD .... well i think its runnin on some kind of timeline .... varies every now & then ....U may be feeling happy abt not having classes & being free ..... but then that enthu of making a career (obviously a bright one) creeps in ....... & then that emptiness is always there ..... lol .... Me ... EMPTY .... My friends would laugh ....i mean emptiness of thoughts ....

All in all its like ::::

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming/confusing
This lack of self-control I fear is never ending
Controlling/I can't seem

To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure

Discomfort,endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting/reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I can't seem...

Boring days

2005-08-10T13:32:00.000-07:00

The days r real bore. The nights long and hard. Dont feel like sleeping, eating and no normal stuff. Scrueing my studies as always. Every today i promise myself to study TOMMOROW & i wait for a better tommorow. But as they say : " Tommorow Never Comes " & it truly never came till now. And i am desperately waiting for a tommorow that will become my TODAY.

Bored with all this stuff & after getting a 24 hr. internet connection at my room (which wastes most of my time) i got another NEW blog. This one is different & goin to be fun. Its a kind of combined blog. Its going to be Me & one of my friends Rennie (from Brazil). Even i wish to see how this India-Brazil combo works. The start seems to be fine, lets see where it goes. Listening to all this one wont be surprised that i am a TOTAL INTERNET TIME WASTER ( People usually call these geeks : Internet Savvy ).

Dont know whats goin to happen tommorow. But as natural i have made another promise for another tommorow. I guess nobody can help me, i need to sit back and think. Possesed with all these thoughts & the beauty of season I wish for a MIRACLE.....

Tell Me UR Dreams.......

2005-08-08T15:07:00.001-07:00

Came out with another poem.
Share ur dreams with me. Make me a part of ur thoughts & feelings............

On all dark and moonlit nights
I long to share ur dreams
On all harsh and withdrawing days
I care to hear ur deeds

In all odds & unsupporting evens
I wish to take a stand
On every stumble & fall
I long to hold ur hand

In days of fun & frolic
I hope to see u smile
In all ur wins & achievements
I hope to see u go wild

In moments of love & hatred
At times of hope & despair
For all my life .....
I LONG TO MAKE U MINE !!!!

PS : Now the excitement has turned in to a TRAUMA !!

EXCITED !!!!

2005-08-03T22:02:00.000-07:00

HEY i m excited rather too exited. Its not that theres no reason. Yes definitely there is one but may be cant share it. And I feel this excitement would kill me, its kind of overwhelming.

U never know what things u might do when u get excited. U feel like going out of all bounds, breaking the shell & may be fly high. Its all emotional & lovely. U feel that something very fresh & nice has touched u. U feel lifted, in ur thoughts & deeds. U behave like a geek (thou i always do so, nothing special). U feel special, very special. And i feel all of this, and may be one could imagine how happy these things can make one.

In our life we get very few moments when we feel elevated. Few moments of happiness & pride. But u know they would vanish soon. Its like a mist of air. Sooothing & refreshing but not long lasting.
And when its gone ur again surrounded by that darkness of lonliness. All scared & insecure. I guess i will have to find ways to get excited more often now. But who am i fooling ?? THYSELF.......

Well yesterday evening was a mixed one. I woke up after a nice sleep & with something crept in my mind. Felt as if i was there standing alone on a lonely ISLANd with noone around. And as i went to the hostel balcony, there was this beautiful scenic sky. Nature can give u such happiness.
SO now it became a mixed attitude. I hate this stuff.

WEll dont know what i wrote CAUSE I M EXCITED ..........TO THE MAX....... May be the whole day is going to be fun. Atleast i have few days to remember in my life. Good for me.

Friends

2005-08-02T20:29:00.000-07:00

Nothing much happening in life. A usual wake up in the morning, doin some daily sruff, getting ready ,taking the breakfast in a hurry so as not to get late for the class & when u reach the Academic block u wait...........wait........wait...........and the prof never appears as if he never was there. Same old story. Dont know what life has in store but one things for sure that this schedule will never change. And whats wrong even we are happy for not having a class & getting ample of time to waste.

Well got a new FWD & the poem is really cool :

>>>>>>>>>>>>Around the corner I have a friend,

> > > > > > In this great city that has no end,

> > > > > > Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,

> > > > > > And before I know it, a year is gone.

> > > > > > And I never see my old friends face,

> > > > > > For life is a swift and terrible race,

> > > > > > He knows I like him just as well,

> > > > > > As in the days when I rang his bell.

> > > > > > And he rang mine but we were younger then,

> > > > > > And now we are busy, tired men.

> > > > > > Tired of playing a foolish game,

> > > > > > Tired of trying to make a name.

> > > > > > "Tomorrow" I say! "I will call on Jim

> > > > > > Just to show that I'm thinking of him."

> > > > > > But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,

> > > > > > And distance between us grows and grows.

> > > > > > Around the corner, yet miles away,

> > > > > > "Here's a telegram sir," "Jim died today."

> > > > > > And that's what we get and deserve in the end.

> > > > > > Around the corner, a vanished friend.

A nice poem, so plz let ur friends know how much u care & what ur life would be without them.

A Wish

2005-08-01T03:39:00.000-07:00

Came up with something. U r still in my thoughts........

Sometimes u feel very lonely
At times u wish to hide
Sometimes u feel like crying
At times u wish to go wild !!!!

You wish to know who u are ??
What is ur IDENTITY ??
Moreover do u need one
Wrecked with all this cold war
I WISH TO LIVE ............

Life says I m not worth living
Heart says I beat for nobody
Soul says I have nothing worth giving
Mind says I wish u to be something
But SOmething ECHOES...........
I WISH TO LIVE..........

People come, people go
They wish to share (rather know )
But is it worth telling ??

- The burdens of my Soul
- The emptiness of Heart
- The corruption of Mind
- The lost control of Senses
- And the fact of not knowing THYSELF

So what should one do ??
MAY BE ...... JUST WISH TO LIVE...........

I feel Enamoured
But do I really know what LOVE is ??

Well couldnt find my answers
May be I never will ....

Then should one feel LONELY
should one wish to HIDE
should one feel like CRYING
should one go WILD ??

SHOULD ONE ........... WISH TO LIVE ........

Lost in quetions & unfound answers
In illusions of being Enamoured

I WISH TO LIVE
TO LIVE ALL CONFUSED, ALL MAD
BUT ONLY WITH YOU [ SHE ].

PS : NOTHING

Back & Fresh

2005-08-01T02:56:00.001-07:00

hi friends. I m back...........though i was never gone. But wasnt in to writing & its good to know that few of u missed it. It has been long since i wrote last. Lots things have happened and lots of them r happening.

I have come in to third year of my engineering. Now its feels like i have grown up........ rather it feels old seeing the first year kids enter in to the college. But then they say " U have to be young at ur heart ". And i m & will be for all my life. Amy be i m learning to be a bit happier. Or is it the people around me that make me feel so. Whatever it is life is getting better. May be for a while but it is.

well dont have much to write, but it wont take long.

Miixed feelings........

2005-07-04T01:15:00.000-07:00

Since last 1.5 months i have been reading a single book. Moving at a snails speeed. Well its not that i was not in a mood to read that book. I mean no body could be. Its a LUDLUM masterpeice "BOURNE IDENTITY". Its a superb peice of writing. Very entertaining. The very name of the book says unavoidable. So the question of me being uninterested is ruled out, the problem was that of time. i didnt have much time to devote, And even if i had, i was made to divert. Yes, thats true. It happens. Neither my parents nor my LG's know how difficult it is for one to keep his hands of a novel which he had started few days back & which has reached quite an interesting phase. All they know is the this bunch of papers is a total wastage of time. Its an addiction (thats true) & that too a non beneficial one (now that outrageous).

So, couldnt complete it till now. Last two chapters still left. So close yet very far. And the one who reads knows, how thwarting it is not to read it, when only the climax is left.

The book is all abt a human being (though highly professional) who has lost his identity. He has images that come back to him, but he couldnt relate to,........... he remember names but not the faces............. & then how he discovers who he is (quite dramatically though) & then............. still to read guys........

Whatever.......

Tonight i m leaving delhi. Going for a break. Going to vaishno devi. Still to pack my bags (Aint I a DUDE !!!!) ...........

Brother of one of my friends who just had been there told all the dharamshalas have been filled. Dont know where will i stay. But then we r guys ..........can putt up anywhere............or do we really need to put up somewhere.........

Mom called & said it was raining there, so it was cold & thus ordered to take some warm clothes. I love this stuff, mom knowing that i will do things as i wish but still instructing me.........i love the way she cares..........i guess everybody loves it.......

Everyone has a child inside, which says "I want attention".........thats why we guys behave insane in front of girls........wishing to be taken care of..........thats why a boy holds her girls hand when there is a road to be crossed.....though he knows she is capable enough..........but the sheer fact of showing that u care & u want to be cared.........makes it real fun.

dont know wht i have written down. So y friends. See u after few days.

Enamoured

2005-06-29T23:15:00.000-07:00

One more poem for my SHE. I know she is not reading it, i know she dont know my feelings, and i know i may never even see her again. but she will always be there. Right besides me (though not physically), there in my thoughts, there in my dreams, there in my aspirations & there in my deeds..........

I feel like writing poems
I feel like thinking (abt her)
I feel like making a wish (for her)
I fell like getting the stars that r twinkling
Am i feeling Enamoured ??

I dream of me being with her
I dream of making her laugh (rather smile)
I dream of sitting next to her
I dream of being her better half
Am i dreaming to be Enamored ??

I wish to smell her feelings
I wish to hold her in arms
I wish to give her everything
i wish her not to be far
Am i wishing to be Enamoured ??

I crave for her love
I crave to hold her hand
I crave to walk by the sea side (with her)
I crave to sit with her on sand
Am i craving to be Enamoured ??

She means the world to me
Her love means a life
Her feelings make my soul
She is the one I like

Making her mine is all i desire
All i need is to lite up my fire
But whatever destiny does with us
I will always have my feelings for her

So, yes I am Enamoured
Enamoured with HER.