my own ?

From dimmed lights of passion came a hand .... rolled the nob towards left .... water came running from the shower .. a free fall .. mildly warm it ran all over thy body .. all wet he stood underneath .. THE filth had been washed .. but wont it return ?? The body shivers .. the cool breeze trying to dismantle his thougths .. but they are untouched .. unwashed .. as if the stream of falling h20 over his head made him focus. And he continued thinking .... washed yet he was there .. wishing to get drowned. The same thoughts ..which when came crippled his mind .. the moment they came he became a WALKING CORPSE !!
They were haunting but they were his own .. so HE never denied there occurence. And all he wished at tht time was an escape .. not from his thoughts but from HIMSELF. He tried to run .. from them .. from himself .. and whever he tried .. they never even tried to follow him .. it was HE again who turned back to them ... cause they were his own .

The nob turned to the right. The h20 stream faded in to droplets .. the sound of running water died down to falling droplets ...Peace .. rather a deafening silence.

dayzzz passed .......

A cheerful looking dude .. normally dressed .. stands by the window of his room [ its the HOSTEL ] .. the window acquipped with two glass panes .. and one meshed wire pane. The closed window gave an odd look. At one side theres the crystal clear GLASS .. and the other side theres the mesh of pretty thin & scantily rusted wires. quite a contrast.

He gazed down the window .. at the BADMINTON court .. looking at people playing . How happy they seemed to be. Anytime anyone manages a powerful smash or a wicked drop .... theres that faint smile of confidence. The faces glowing with pleasure and the acts stuffed with excitement. But aint this momental ?? Would they be happy when they r out of that arena of smashes and drops. Would they be the same " powerful smashing & delicate dropping " dudes .... wont they be weak .. wont they be sensitive .. wont they wish to cry .. wont the excitement faint ??

Standing on the window he analysed them .. once through the glass pane ... and once through the complicated mesh .. and the same individuals seemed different. Both simple and comlicated. And so were his thoughts simple but complicated. They were simple to think but complicated to believe. But he never shoowed them off ... cause they were his own.

The " very FLASHY " halogens turned off ... the light fading slowly .. slowly in to darkness. And he was alone again. It was darkness outside .... and there wasnt any illumination inside either.

Again there was a slience. A mocking one. He laughed .. laughed .. laughed .... and a salty drop of H2O ran down his cheek. But he never regreted it .. cause it were his own.

And he perished in to the darkness of night. The other day he was the same individual .. "The happy go .. faked smile" ..

Days come and disappear in to darkness ... we dwell in the nights .. but the first ray of light steals it from us. We cherish things but dont really achieve them .. we regret things but they cant be escaped. But yet they r our own. They r a part of our " On the edge of darkness & light " life. They are part of an individuals 60 years [ on an average ]of experience of pain, hapiness, love, hatred , of being ditched and of ditching others. All revolve around him. They r all his own.

So, to CUT THE CRAP i wud say :::: The love tht i missed, the pain tht i gave others & got equal returns .... the simple but complicated thoughts .. the smile & the tears .... the long dirty hairs .. the boring & sultry days .. the lonliness & state of being confused and unanswerable ... the unachieved goals .. the newly planned aspirations & aims .... the capricious fate and a fickle mind ..... they r all my own. And wht to say .... i dont know whether i deserved them all or not .. or whether i deserved better is not the question here ....

the question here is ::
Why was I the one chosen to own all these .. & ONLY these ??

Its a human nature to condemn thyself. And i do condemn ... [ though at times i feel i m lucky ]

The alchemist says :: " one is loved because one is loved " .... i guess its the same here .... anuj says :: " one owns wht he owns because he owns it" .... theres no question of deserving things here. Because if in anyway it was the question of deserving .. it shud have been calculated on the basis of present life deeds [ i do believe in more than one life ] ... but they say : " whatever happens with us is already planned & written somewhere [ lol ... wht a database ]" .... so its all abt allocation .. which is done way before u even understand how to breathe. So u dont have a choice .... u can just add on .

whatever ..... the crux is .. I never wanted my life the way it is today [ obviously demanding idealism .. aint i human ? ]. I wanted a lot .. but got nothing [ nothing means NOTHING ]. And the story continues .... not happy .. not happy ..

I never understood why do we humans love to choose pain .... when we do have better options .. or DO WE HAVE BETTER OPTIONS ? Aint pain the best option to dwell ur life in .... cause its stagnant .. and wont leave u ever .. its fidle .. assuring tht it wont ditch u . So i dont regret this pain .... cause its mine ..cause i own it .. rather I have CHOOSEN it !!

PS 1 ## The more you know .. you know how little you know !!

PS 2 ## Ek aur asafal prayas kuch likhne ka ... but then they say : " try try again .. until crap is stated a CRIME under the LAW . So i will keep trying to come up with better craps ;)