the urge of being a better man

I know m a confused guy . Probably, as confused as confusing it can get . I wish to do all of it .. nd somehow end up doing nothing. And this confusion is killing me slowly. But soon I will be on the track .... lets hope so. There have alwayz been problems with me . Rather i have been a problematic guy all together.

Whatver i do in life , nd whatever i have been through in life were solely my decisions and I not supposed to regret them. But I do. I have this creepy habit of cribbing myself most of the times. Why am I not like this & that stuff !!

I went to a session today, conducted by IMS . THere was this guy .. the so called motivational speaker or the SOFT skills guy .. ohk fine .. he was gud .. bt he gets paid for tht , so he ought to be good. He was a man of extrovertism, some very cheap jokes but still knew how to catch peoples attention. And as is with such guyz he touched that very point which intrigues everyone . He wrote only two things on the board ::

WHO AM I ??
WHAT DO I WANT TO DO IN LIFE ??

And that was it .. rest was all crap . AS if he knew who he was, but ya since he has done quite a lot in his 35 yrs of life, so may be he was sure what he was supposed to do next. What if he was a youngster with a hell lot of worriers & pressure . I knw he might have been a youngster sometime .. bt thn was he d same individual as today . Did he knew the ans then.

Now, I dont exactly know WHO AM I ? the point i put this to myself, I get some very obscure answers like ..

' I am anuj panwar. Umm .. presently m a lil confused as to what to choose & wht to leave . I m walking down towards the AB rite now. I knw i have lots & lots of things to think about. But i just think & hardly react. I wish to do evry damn thing out there . Have tried to develop some varied interests lately .. bt thn i screw up most of the times .. as if i dont have time .. huh '

' I am anuj. umm .. may be this is a crap question . HOw can i figure out myself. Why is everybody more mature than me .. man they have got an insight .. i know i too have one .. but .. '

' I am anuj .. ohk . shut up now '

2 . WHAT DO I WANT TO DO IN LIFE ??

' ya sure . lots & lots of thigs. Its there in my thoughts bt the point i try to write down 1 thing i wish to do .. i donno .. nothing comes to my mind .. the state of being unsure is quite pathetic. Ya ya .. job, money, family & stuff r all there . But thats all normal stuff .... what exactly i want to do .. m not sure about . May be never thought of it seriously . And i am not even sure of the options that i have .. damn .. i suck at answwering such questions '

U see .. thts why questions like where do u see urselves 5 yrs down the line .. I hate them . I donno .. who knows abt tomorrow & ur talking about 5 yrs .. moreover to a lazy guy .. no way .

So u see, its all about these two questions. Umm .. probably they r some NP- hard problems .. ( haha .. forget it ) .

I wonder why i sometimes interfere in to peoples life. Trying to get too personal, thinking as if it is my job to see to it that the things r rite. And may be its just for some initial interest that i develop in certain individuals .. may be a normal attraction. But u knw its too bad to be personal. I shud think of leaving people by themselves .. cause seriously no one can help neone . My honey words my make someone feel good, but in the end its his/her life , he/she is supposed to handle it by themselves. Why do i worry ?? May be i dont .. its just that we are too scared to peep in to our own life, nd thus try to make others better off . ANd u say its a gud deed .. proabaly not. Treat yourself better .. nd you will be a better person tommorrow.

Sometimes I wish ( strongly ) to be a person of standards. I mean to have some of my own standards .. I do have some presently but havent really figured them out. But u knw theres a stage in life when you feel that almost everything is perfect .. you dont have anything to cribb on .. no regrets .. nothing.

Its this urge of being a better man .... every single day.

PS :: ohk . fine. Its yet another wierd post. so wht .